. . .

I was shocked, shocked, I tell you, to hear that a professional athlete competing at the highest level possible with millions of dollars at stake, would dare use a sort-of-illegal substance to gain a theoretical edge over his opponents. In my view, the only thing we can fault A-Rod for is being dumb enough to continue using detectable substances when he knew a test was coming.¹

The tests were supposed to remain confidential, but were seized by your federal government as part of its $55 million prosecution of Barry Bonds for "lying" about using a legal substance. The absurd persecution of the greatest baseball player since Willie Mays has led the prosecutors to raid the home and threaten prosecution of the relatives of ancillary figures in the case.²

The story that is being conveniently ignored is former Cincinnatian Dana Stubblefield "cooperating" with the BALCO case, apparently naming fellow NFLers who also used. Like with Bonds and A-Rod, I don't really have any sort of problem with Stubblefield using, but I think the sports world's relative silence on this matter is interesting. Other NFL drug weirdness:

• Star OLB Shawne Merriman gets suspended for four games for steroids. The silence of NFL writers is deafening, especially that of noted moralist Peter King, whose columns are regularly filled with rhetoric decrying Bonds, Clemens, and other baseball steroid users.
• Luis Castillo uses steroids before the 2005 draft combine, is caught before the draft, and is still picked in the first round. Last year, he was on the cover of the Spanish-language Madden 08.
• There's more public concern over the Patriots' videotaping "cheating" than their continued employment of steroid user Rodney Harrison.
  

Why the free pass? After all, if we're just considering the effects of steroids -- increased muscle mass, ability to train longer and harder, and increased healing -- wouldn't they be far more useful in football than baseball? If Shawne Merriman is 6-4/270 and run a 4.6, he's most likely going to be a star if he has a modicum of football talent, but if you can't hit the ball or throw a strike, it doesn't matter how fast you are or how much you can bench.³ I think that it's because football has become less a sport than America's favorite soap opera, and the athletes are more actors than anything else, and everything is disposed of after the season; baseball is almost mythic, instant history. I have no proof for this, of course, other than my own probably unoriginal conjectures, but it does concern me. It should concern you too.

---

Footnotes:
1. Interestingly (to me at least) is that this story is being reported on by noted moralist Selena Roberts, a reporter best known for buying in full-scale to the Duke Lacrosse rape fraud. I'm not doubting her reportage on this matter, but I'm not sure how someone who was so stunningly wrong on a major story can maintain any sort of crediblity.
2. As always with these things, I'm reminded of a quote by P.J. O'Rourke: "Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
3. The career of Glenn Braggs is an instructive example.

Labels: baseball, football, media

• ...as I do have problems with the show, beyond the ones I've already outlined:
• Ted is a terrible character. He's a self-righteous, annoying douche and I just don't get why the other characters fawn all over him. He's the Poochie of this show.
• Anyone who's seen Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, Knocked Up, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall knows Jason Segel is just wasted playing a straight man. It does make his occasional freakouts much more effective, but it's kind of like using Albert Pujols as a late-inning pinch hitter.
• After seeing Semi-Pro, Will Ferrell is dead to me¹. It seems like instead of having an actual story, the entire film was based off the poster.
  
• One of Chuck Klosterman's pet theories is that everyone has (or needs) a nemesis² and an arch-enemy. My arch-enemy is Roy Oswalt. He's started 25 games against the Reds and he's now 22-1. What the fuck? Even the Pirates, who have been worse than the Reds over his career, have a decent record against him: "only" 11-6. Plus he has the same birthday as me. Prick.
• Speaking of birthdays, I'm now 28. I don't know what to think about this.³
  
• Christ, I'm sick of the election already⁴, and there's still two months left⁵. Some thoughts:
• I'm not voting for John McCain, and I cannot fathom why anyone else would, other than the "R" that's next to his name. We're talking about a fucking Keating Five member here, people.
  
• I'm also not voting for Barack Obama. He gives a good speech, but does anyone have any sort of clue what he stands for? As far as I can tell -- and it's not like he's been clear on the topic, the man seems only to speak in broad generalities -- the only sort of "change" he wants to bring is a reversion to '60s and '70s-style left-Democrat policies.
• No mainstream candidate is ever going to be acceptable to me. P.J. O'Rourke once said that no Libertarian will achieve success in the mainstream, since they tell you what they won't do for you (less government, etc.), whereas every other politician tells you what they will do for you.
• I briefly considered writing in Andy, but alas, he's too young to be President.
• So I guess I won't be voting at all this fall.
• I mentioned my love of continuity in the other post. Two examples where continuity killed my interest in a show:
• Yes, I loved Beverly Hills 90210. One season, they ended with a cliffhanger where Brandon and Valerie⁶ were making out. The next season opener they had some brief aside between the two where they basically laughed it off, which was cheap, but fine, really, because as Brenda's direct replacement as Brandon's sister, it never made sense to romantically pair off Brandon and Valerie. But a couple seasons later, Valerie and Kelly (Valerie's arch-enemy) were both sick with the flu (or something), sequestered in the old Walsh house, and arguing, and Valerie told Kelly the reason she doesn't like her. Well, they do a whole flashback to right after the cliffhanger, and in the new flashback, Kelly comes over right when Valerie and Brandon are about to do it, "ruining Valerie's shot with Brandon" as she put it. Well, that's not really what happened, as I well know.
  
• In King of the Hill, they established that Hank looks like and has the personality of his mother, which is the basic reason Cotton never really liked Hank. But then Cotton goes to Japan⁷ in a later season, and they meet Cotton's illegitimate son, which makes him Hank's half-brother from his dad's side -- none of Hank's mom's genes. So of course, he looks and acts just like Hank, which I know can't happen since, again, none of Hank's genes.
  
• The point is, if I can pay attention to all this shit, is it really too much to ask of the writers to do the same?
  

---

Footnotes:

1. It's very tough breaking up with someone you once loved. I mean, I loved Anchorman and especially Talladega Nights, and he has to go and do this and Blades of Glory to me. Why, Will Ferrell, why?
2. A nemesis is basically a friendly rival; think Larry Bird and Magic Johnson.
3. That's not entirely true.
   
4. That's not true either -- I've been sick of it since it started.
5. As long as we don't have another 2000-esque freakout.
6. i.e., slutty Kelly Kapowski.
7. Cotton "killed fitty men," remember?
   

Labels: baseball, movies, politics, TV

Dusty Baker just will not stop playing Corey Patterson, even though he's hitting a cool .195 this year. Like most Reds fans, I'm wondering how this happens. Here's what I imagine...

[Dusty Baker is in his office, door closed, pacing.]

DB: I'm in a quandry! Who do I play in Center Field? [Turns toward large mirror in corner of office] What do I do, Mirror?

[An image of Dusty in full uniform appears in the mirror]

Mirror Dusty: [over-laughing] Dusty! You handsome son of a bitch! What's going on!

DB: I just can't figure out what to do!

MD: What? You got this shit on lock down! You're Dusty Baker!

DB: The team is sinking fast, Mirror. My shortstops keep disappearing on me. Junior won't return my calls. Now I can't figure out who to play in center.

MD: [looks confused] That is a tough one, Dusty. Well, who's the fastest guy on the team?

DB: Well, Corey Patterson, I guess.

MD: There you go! Your fastest player plays center field, everyone knows that!

DB: Yeah! You're right, Mirror! That's one problem down. Okay, let's put the lineup together...who hits first?

MD: Your center fielder! Those are the rules!

DB: [doubtful] You sure, Mirror? He's only hitting .195, and rarely walks. Wouldn't a more logical move be to place the player with the higher on-base-percentage first, so that someone is on base when the big hitters come up later in the order?

MD: On-what-percentage? Come on, man you don't want anyone clogging up the bases! Play Patterson!

DB: [wavering] Mirror, I don't know...

MD: Have I ever failed you before? Who told you to keep wearing wristbands even though you don't do anything that makes you sweat?

DB: [sheepishly] You did.

MD: And who told you to play Neifi Perez at shortstop with the Cubs?

DB: You did.

MD: And who told you to ride Kerry Wood and Mark Prior into straight into the ground, ruining their careers?

DB: That's right, you did!

MD: And Marvin L. Bernard? He was just an below-average Giants farmhand before I came along. Now he's your butler! Did you ever dream you could have a butler?

DB: [excited] That was you, Mirror!

MD: Hell yeah it was! Now get those sweatbands on and get out there, the game started ten minutes ago.

DB: [over-laughing]

MD: [over-laughing]

Labels: baseball, Reds Theatre

Adam Dunn, as he is wont to do, hit a giant three-run home run to win the game yesterday. However, Dusty Baker, the Reds' manager, first asked him to sacrifice bunt the two runners over. Here's how I imagine that conversation going:

DB: [walking over to Dunn] Big man!

AD: [eating a hoagy] mmmmm. Hey Dusty. What's up?

DB: Look man, we're in a tight spot. We're down by one, it's the bottom of the ninth--

AD: [confused] It's the ninth inning? Man, time flies.

DB: [laughs] Big man, you're hilarious! Look, we need you to move the runners over.

AD: [opening bag of White Castles] Cool.

DB: I'm glad we're on the same page.

AD: [finishing White Castle #4] Yeah, I'm going to hit a homer.

DB: Nah, man, we need you to bunt the runners over. Manufacture runs! Old school!

AD: [eating White Castle #8] Hmmmmm? Bunt?

DB: Get them runners over!

AD: [confused] Me? Seriously? I'm 6-6, 275, I've only ever bunted twice in my entire life. I'm actually kinda unsure how to even hold the bat...[fumbles with bat] Like this?

DB: Fundamentals! Veterans! Manufacturing runs! Clogging the bases!

AD: [opening pizza box] Dusty, that doesn't even make sense. I mean, I can try, but I'm pretty sure we'd be better off if I just went up there and hit a homer. Shit, I've had 40 each of the past four years. That's a pretty long track record of success.

DB: That's why it's such a great strategy! They'll never see it coming!

AD: [finishes pizza] Well, okay, I'll give it a shot.

Labels: baseball, Reds Theatre

Jeff Keppinger, the Reds' "scrappy" shortstop, fouled a pitch off his kneecap and shattered it, putting him, and more importantly, my fantasy team, out for six weeks or so. He and Ken Griffey Jr. had a long talk yesterday, apparently. Here's how I imagine it going:

KGJ: [walking into training room] Hey Jeff, what's happening, man?

JK: [sitting on training table, leg in cast] Oh hey Ken. I broke my kneecap, remember?

KGJ: Yeah, I saw that...hey, man, you okay? You look a little down in the dumps.

JK: Well, I'm out for a couple months. I can't walk, much less play.

KGJ: So what? You get to sit at home and watch TV, then get better, and come back. What's the big deal?

JK: I might not have a job when I get back.

KGJ: Huh? How do you mean?

JK: I'm 27, it's only my third full year in the majors. I was never a prospect, and I don't have a long term contract. If Janish plays really well while I'm on the DL, I might be out of a job. Plus, I'm not exactly a natural shortstop, and I'm not a good enough hitter to play anywhere else but second base, and Brandon Phillips is there. So if I lose some mobility, I'm pretty much done as a major league baseball player.

KGJ: Hold up a second. You're telling me that you have some actual urgency to come back quickly from an injury?

JK: Uh...yeah.

KGJ: And you can't just rely on your natural athletic gifts, dazzling smile, and bloated reputation to coast by on a minimum of effort?

JK: Right.

KGJ: So you're going to work hard in rehabbing the injury, so you can come back at pretty much your old level?

JK: That's the plan.

KGJ: And you actually want to come back during the season, because -- let me get this straight, because I'm having a hard time following -- you might actually lose your job if you miss too much time?

JK: That pretty much sums up my situation.

KGJ: [bewildered, shaking his head] That sucks. I can't even fathom having to go through that. When I started getting older and my body began breaking down because I've never had to take care of myself and I never developed the discipline to work hard in the off-season to supplement my natural gifts, the team just kept giving me chances and cutting me a break. I had an eight-year contract, you know? They couldn't dump me because they'd have to cut a check for $100 million, and no other team wanted me because I kept getting injured, so here for the duration.

JK: Yeah, I know.

[Manager Dusty Baker walks in.]

DB: Junior! I've been looking all over for you! Oh, hey...Joe. What are you doing in here?

JK: I broke my kneecap in last night's game. And it's "Jeff".

DB: [pauses, looks confused] There was a game last night? Is this right, Junior?

KGJ: Yeah, we actually won. You kept texting me during the game.

DB: Oh yeah! Why didn't hit me back?

KGJ: I was in right field, man.

DB: Huh. Don't recall it at all. John, you ready to go tonight?

JK: "Jeff." I broke my kneecap, remember?

KGJ: Yeah Dusty, his damn leg is in a cast. And from what he's been telling me, he has actual urgency to get back quickly, because he might lose his job.

DB: He's probably right. I'm going to start Hairston for the time being. He's a veteran. He has a proven track record of success.

KGJ: [puzzled] You mean Jerry Hairston, Jr.? The journeyman with a .255 lifetime average? That's a proven track record of success?

DB: Hell yeah. He won't clog up the bases

JK: Guys, you're not helping. I'm still pretty depressed. I'd really just rather be alone.

DB: Keep your head up Jake! Junior, come into my office, we need to hang out.

KGJ: Dusty, man, you need to quit calling me. We can't get too close. Don't you know I'm trying to engineer a trade back to Seattle?

DB: [over-laughing] Junior, you're a cut-up!

KGJ: I'm serious. I'm having my agent plant stories in the media linking me to the Mariners, and I've been giving interviews about how much I miss Seattle and how I was forced out of there.

JK: Wasn't the opposite true? Didn't you whine and complain and sulk your way into a trade, and then would only accept a trade if it were to Cincinnati?

KGJ: Yes. And?

JK: Don't you see anything wrong with that?

KGJ: Nope, I'm a Superstar Professional Athlete. That means I can say and do pretty much whatever I want, and as long as I'm not linked with steroids or any criminal activity, there will be no consequences.

DB: That's veteran presence! Junior, I don't think there's a game tonight, let's go grab a bite to eat. Jack, we'll see you later.

Labels: baseball, Reds Theatre

Labels: baseball

• First, a little crowing: Madieu Williams is no longer a Bengal, making Andy's dog's name (Madi) obsolete. I believe I predicted this.
• Oh, more crowing: I did enjoy Blogtober ending with a whimper.
  
• For about six hours, Shaun Rogers was a Bengal. Whoops, now he's a Brown. Why can't the city of Cincinnati have anything? More specifically, why can't *I* have anything? Seriously, whenever I start liking a team (Duke excepted) they suck. Example: I've been to roughly 100 Reds games (that's probably low, but it's an estimate). I think I've seen at least 70 losses. Seriously. And now that Dusty Baker is the manager, well...let's just say the outlook is not good. Look: Notre Dame sucks now, the Mavericks, Rangers, Bengals...any team I enjoy = suck.
• This was supposed to be Scrubs' last season, but now it's apparently not. This is only notable for one thing: it's possibly Zach Braff-less. Maybe I'm not cursed.
• The Wire is down to two episodes left. Now, my criticisms from earlier this year are still valid, but the show is still great. The media plot is ridiculous and heavy-handed, and I don't agree with its premise (Journalism, etc.), but it's proving dramatic.
  
• I don't really have anything else.
  

Labels: baseball, football, random, The Wire, TV

• Enough, Boston. We get it - your sports teams (for now) are good. Okay, Cheers was pretty funny. So here's a list of shitty things you've given us:
• Dane Cook
• Jack Nicholson's "accent" in The Departed
• Bad regional accents in general
  
• Race riots
• Puritans
• Noam Chomsky
• Danny Ainge
• Half of Bill Simmons' published work
• Dane Cook
• Johnny Damon, the celebrity (as opposed to Johnny Damon, the average center fielder)
• Overrated beer
• Red Sox Nation, which we can blame for the rampant rise of "[insert stupid thing] Nation"
  
• the "Curse of the Bambino"
• Dane Cook
• I can't stand Tony Romo - I don't like people who actively court celebrity - but I have to say: well done, sir, well done.
• Yes, Andy, my No. 1 gal is now on Heroes. No, I will not be watching. Unless her superpower is humping librarians, I don't care.
• I've been using Firefox Portable at work and it's changed my life.
• I saw The Darjeeling Limited in Dallas. I loved it of course (I need to see it again to form a proper opinion). We saw it at the Angelika, an arthouse theater at Mockingbird Station in Dallas, a high-end open-air mall. Man, the douche factor was off the charts. Every time I'm down there, I start thinking it would be cool to live there, then the assholes just come out of the woodwork.

A short one, I know.

Labels: assholes, baseball, movies

The masses have spoken and have demanded that I post again!¹

• In case you've been paying attention², that "MLS" on the end of my signature means I (shockingly) graduated.
• In other shocking news, I have a job! I start tomorrow.
• Obviously, the big TV news was the series finale of The Sopranos. How do I put this? It³ sucked.
  
• No, not because there wasn't a bloodbath, or even a definitive ending. The show has never been about that. The show has been about depicting what Tony's (or any Mafia life) would be, creating a sense of constant tension and uncertainty. But not everything comes to a giant climax because not everything in life comes to a giant climax; in other words, not much happens on the show because, well, not much happens in real life. The problem with this approach is you often get a boring, anti-climatic show. In the first three seasons and season five, this wasn't a problem because the things that built up to the anti-climax were actually compelling.
  
• The really inexplicable thing was all the stupid, pointless "predictions" thrown about last week. My "favorite" was the speculation that Tony was going into witness protection. Really? A show whose creator has been insistent about this not being a stereotypical Mafia drama is going to end the series in the exact same way as Goodfellas?
• Gilmore Girls also ended. I bailed in November.
• How disappointing was this season of Scrubs? Here's a list of things:
• The lack of development in JD's character. He's actually regressed since season one.
• The lack of development/maturation of JD & Dr. Cox's relationship. There's no respect, bordering on pure contempt, from Dr. Cox towards JD, which was understandable if JD was still an intern, but he's an allegedly good doctor now. Of course, since he's turned into a giant douche, Dr. Cox's contempt is somewhat understandable.⁴
  
• The utter waste of Elizabeth Banks' talent in a pointless, chemistry-less relationship with JD.
• Oh God, the stupid, intelligence-insulting Kim-lies-to-JD-about-the-baby storyline.
  
• The forced tone of the wackiness combined with the poignant that was once effortless, and to me, the most disappointing thing in this list, since it made the show so great.
  
• Back to something actually great: Knocked Up. Regular readers of the blog⁵ know how much Judd Apatow's work, ranging from Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, and The 40 Year Old Virgin, has meant to me. Not suprisingly I absolutely loved Knocked Up.
  
• I've also started to NetFlix back episodes of The Shield, which is very good. Not at the level of The Wire, but what is?
• The Reds suck, and since I've moved down here the Rangers suck too. Clearly, I'm baseball poison.
  

---

Footnotes

1. They have not.
   
2. You haven't.
   
3. The whole season, for that matter.
4. For a good example of a maturing relationship within the show, look at Dr. Cox and Turk. He's gone from utter dismissal of him, to a grudging respect, to now, where they are more or less friends.
5. All one of you.
   

Labels: baseball, movies, random, TEG, TV

Oswalt improves to 19-1 against the Reds

Labels: baseball

Opening day¹ is almost here! A few predictions for the season:

• The Reds will lose 90+ games, and be out of the race by June.
  
• They will not finish last however, because the Pirates suck even worse.
• Ken Griffey, Jr. will demand a trade in July. He'll be traded to the White Sox, and go on a tear, leading them to the playoffs, where they will lose to the Red Sox.
• Adam Dunn will also be traded, causing Marty Brennaman and Hal McCoy² to throw a Pacman Jones-esque party. Dunn will be traded to the A's for a box of baseballs, a fungoe bat, and left-handed relief pitcher.
  
• Josh Hamilton will hit 30 HR's and win NL Rookie of the Year. However, after Marty and Hal's party, he'll relapse³ and never be heard from again.
• Bronson Arroyo and Aaron Harang will have another great year, but finish with a losing records.
  
• Joey Votto will have a great year in AAA, but in his first MLB game he'll go 0-4. This will prove to Jerry Narron that he isn't ready, and he'll be sent immediately back down to Louisville, and traded in the off-season.
  
• Homer Bailey will be in the rotation by July.
• Ryan Freel will suffer a career-ending injury on Opening Day when he falls off the top of the dugout while chasing those white doves they release every year.
  
• Alex Rodriguez will hit 50 HR and win the AL MVP. However, he will go 0-5 in the first playoff game and will be tarred and feathered outside Yankee Stadium.
• The Cardinals will beat the Angels to win their second straight World Series on the back of Albert Pujols, causing Tom Greaves to spontaeously combust in anger.
  

---

Footnotes

1. I do not recognize the ESPN-driven Sunday night opening game. Monday is Opening Day for me. Yes, I realize I sound like Ryan but that is one tradition I enjoy nonetheless.
2. Marty and Hal (and Dolph) hate Adam Dunn, mainly because he doesn't run to his position.
   
3. Josh was a top-five pick coming out of high school. IIRC, he had a crazy sports dad who never let him have a life outside of baseball, so once he got some freedom and money he became a crackhead, of course.
   

Labels: baseball

Bill Simmons has a shockingly good, logical article about the whole McGwire-HOF thing.

Labels: baseball, steroids

• Oh, man, I'm seriously procrastinating bad. I have a very large report for my cataloging class that is due in about ten days that I haven't started.
• So, apparently the comments were set to moderate on this blog. I just found that feature tonight and approved them. I switched that off, but I left word verification on. Anyway, there was a comment here that needed a reply.
• People here are going fucking apeshit over the football. You have to be down here day to day to understand the effect the Cowboys' play has on the area -- if they win, they're going to the Super Bowl and everyone's happy, if they lose, Parcells is the worst coach of all time, all the players are shit, they should dump the rest of the season, and everyone is ready to commit mass suicide on Dealey Plaza. It's insane. Also, there were 46,000+ at Texas Stadium this weekend for a *high school* football game.
• Speaking of football, Notre Dame took a big old dump on Saturday. They just don't have the athletes at this point to consistently compete with the state schools and USC.¹ What they should do (and what they're probably doing already, since they're smarter than I am) is identify the smart kids early on and super-recruit them. Unless they're all stupid, which is a distinct possibility, and ND is screwed.
  
• Don't bother with Gilmore Girls this season, it's been god-awful so far. The new producers just can't cut it.
• The Wire has been predictably great so far this season.
  
• Scrubs is back on Thursday!
  
• Baseball Hall of Fame voting starts soon. The two most irritating figures from my childhood of sports, Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn, will get in. I cannot stand either of these people.
• Ripken should be obvious. Whitebread, bland, always-with-the-creepy-smile, on and on about how he loved the game, blah fucking blah. The establishment media loves this shit and predictably buys into it wholesale. Great, you played a bunch of games in a row. But you were easily the most talented player of your generation and you never became what you could have been if you had just taken a break once or twice a month. You *know* he hurt his team by playing too often and not being fresh by the end of the season. Does any of this get brought up in the mass fellating that his Ripken media coverage?
• Gwynn is similar. He is one of those guys who presents a great image of himself, as this jovial, roly-poly, safe for white america black guy, a stance which really irritates me and can't possibly be real.² And as a result, he gets very favorable press, based on his one skill, hitting singles. The fact is that Barry Bonds is about 800x the hitter Gwynn ever was or ever could have been, but you still hear about how Gwynn is the "best pure hitter ever", and that goddamn show of him talking with Ted Williams about the "science of hitting" always gets the nostalgists misty-eyed. Whereas you have Barry Bonds, keeping it real -- he's a dick, he knows it, and he's never tried to hide that fact, something that will always get my respect, if not the general public's.
  
• One thing you can be sure of is that Mark McGwire will not get in on the first ballot. First of all, yes he deserves it. For a good ten+ year stretch, he was the best power hitter in MLB, and that counts for something. But you will hear two reasons why he won't be in. The first is that he only hit homers. That's true, more or less, but he still has 583 of them, despite being hurt a lot. Then there's the steroid thing. What really hurts him (with me and the establishment media) is him pussing out at Congress. From the establishment's standpoint, it was basically an admission of steroid use, which in sports media world even the taint³ (see Sammy Sosa) is a capital offense. My problem is that he should have admitted it (if it was true, which there is still no proof of course) and told Congress to go fuck themselves. But he does deserve to be in the HOF.

---

Footnotes
1: Speaking of that how the hell does USC have the talent base that they have? They're a good private school, so I would assume they have great admissions standards (which is why Notre Dame, a school I probably couldn't get into (not that I tried), can't get the great recruiting classes of yore). I mean, they are in LA and have an incredibly hot coed fanbase, but something else is going on there...or else Pete Carroll is the greatest recruiter of all time.
2: See also Kirby Puckett.
3: *giggle*...taint...*belly laugh*

Labels: baseball, blog stuff, football, random, TV

For a dude as sophisticated as I am, I sure do love juvenile humor, specifically funny-sounding names or words. "Tea bag" and "tossed salad", no matter the context, crack me up. "Pianist" made me laugh for a good 15 minutes the other day. So I couldn't have been more pleased at this headline:

Dick Pole named Reds pitching coach

...

Labels: baseball

...while I watch the World Series. I'll try to keep these to one line on the edit screen. No footnotes either.

• In case you're wondering, yes, I am irritated that Sean Casey is playing in the WS now.
• I love baseball, but I hate both teams in the WS. I'm watching, but I want everyone to lose.
• I don't like this kind of speculation, but Ivan Rodriguez hasn't really been "Pudge" for a while.
• I'm glad the beard has made a comeback. Alas, mine doesn't connect.
• It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown was on tonight. It is the only part of Halloween I like.
• Q: How are Dolph and Jay-Z related?
  
• A: Neither's retirement lasted very long.
• I want to watch AT&T Home Turf starring Deion Sanders like I want super-lupus.
• Re-reading it, my big wedding post is a big embarrasment. I sound like an 16-year old emo kid.
• You know, The O.C. starts back next week, and I haven't seen any FOX promos. Odd.
• Wait, no, not odd -- the show blows.
• Jeff Weaver and his hilariously long blond hair look so out of place in the Midwest.
• Okay, Standoff, I'm glad that Ron Livingston is getting work, but when you start ripping off bad Denzel Washington message movies, might be time to hang it up.
• If you haven't already, go see The Departed.
• The Cardinals currently have an outfield of an old Jim Edmonds, Preston Wilson, and So Taguchi. These are your (probable) 2006 World Champions.
  
• You know, during the Super Bowl, all the Detroit media stories you'd hear were about "rebirth," "renaissance," etc. The very few stories I've heard during the WS have all told the truth; one called Michigan the "Mississippi of the Midwest". Tells you something about the NFL's ability to control the media/stay on message. Or it's nothing.
• Broke the rule there. Damn.
• ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING "GOD BLESS AMERICA" ALREADY! One superfluous patriotic song a game is more than enough, MLB.
• The "up and coming R&B group" that tried to sing the above song is called "Varcity". Really? "Varcity"? That's how the kids roll these days?
• Rhetorical question #1: if a pitcher commits an error that leads to a run, why isn't it an ER?
• Rhetorical question #2: is this post's theme working for you? Should this be a regular feature? Inasmuch as anything is "regular" on this blog, anyway?
• Several one-word reviews of various things:
• The Departed: best.
• Scrubs reruns: godsend.
• The Hold Steady: genius.
  
• Jim Leyland: grizzled.
• Tony LaRussa: overrated.
• Joe Buck: prick.
• Tim McCarver: senile.
  
• Tom Greaves: tiresome.
• How do you walk Preston Wilson, Fernando Rodney? He swings at more pitches than Adam Dunn.
• I'll be back in the 'nati from Dec. 21-Dec. 27. Set your plans to be snubbed by me now.

That was harder than it looked.

Labels: baseball, movies, random

Is there any worse television program than the Home Run Derby? Let me count the reasons...

1. It's excruciatingly long. You've got 14 at-bats of at least 10 pitches. Add in all the no-swings, and it's probably 20 minimum. That leaves a lot of time to kill...
2. Chris Berman. Who likes his schtick? Is there anyone out there who still giggles at "backbackback...GONE" screamed over and over and over? Or the stunningly awful last name puns that haven't been funny since 1994? Why is this man still employed?
3. The rest of the ESPN announcing crew. I really want to love Joe Morgan. He's the best 2B of all time, he's smart and well-spoken, he's a Cincinnati legend (I have a half-suspicion that my brother was named after him), and he's onery...I should be this guy's #1 fan...but he just says some dumbass shit. Like how Jose Reyes, the Mets' slap-hitting SS, is their MVP, over David Wright (who was "batting" at the time), and Carlos Beltran, who wasn't even mentioned. Harold Reynolds is a poor man's Joe Morgan - not half the player Joe was, and far dumber. And John Kruk. (That's all I have to say on that one, just his name.)
4. The douchebag first-timer all-stars who are sitting there with video cameras. I realize this is a most likely once-in-a-lifetime event, something you've been dreaming of your whole life, but come on - you're a professional baseball player, act fucking cool.
5. MLB's pathetic attempt to pimp their all-star jersey's by making the players wear those instead of their team uniforms.
6. Oh, God, if I have to hear Chris Berman's voice one more time...

...

Labels: baseball, TV

Well, the Reds traded Wily Mo Pena, the Dominican man-child outfielder, this week. Well, what did they get for him, you ask? A shitty-music-playing, groupie-fucking, dreadlocked asshole of a pitcher, Bronson Arroyo. That's it. One pitcher for one of the most interesting outfield prospects that's come along in a while. Do you mean to tell me that this is the best Krivisky could do?

Arroyo is a league-average pitcher. Well, okay, that makes him automatically the second or third best pitcher on staff. But, Arroyo is a flyball pitcher. The last flyball pitcher the Reds signed? That's right, my pal Eric Milton.

Something that's gone largely unheard in the wake of this fiasco is the first base situation. Before the trade, Adam Dunn was going to move to first following the Sean Casey trade. A positive move, one they should have made a couple years ago in fact -- it allowed them to put Pena, Kearns and Dunn on the field at once. The outfield defense would have been atrocious -- Kearns was hurt too much early in his career and hasn't developed as a defender, Griffey has lost a ton of range and was overrated to begin with, and Wily Mo, well, he's Wily Mo -- barely concious -- but getting rid of the out machine that was Sean Casey would have more than made up for it.

Now what do we have? The Reds mysteriously signed Scott Hatteberg, the A's former 1B'r, as a backup. Now, given Narron's veteran fetish, you knew that wasn't going to last. Dunn will be back in left, and Hatteberg starting on opening day, just watch. Hatteberg can't hit. His OPS+ last year was 79. That means his OPS was 79% that of an average player. That's any player, and Hatteberg is a first baseman -- the position where you shove your shitty defenders who can stroke the ball (see Thomas, Frank, Thome, Jim, etc.). That's why Dunn was going to move there. Hatteberg is obviously not going to hit well, and he'll have to be benched. So who's next? Rich Aurilla was told to get a first baseman's glove, that's who's next. Are the Reds trying to give me a fucking stroke?

The correct move would be to put Chris Denorfia, the sole prospect in the Reds' organization who is even remotely close to the majors, in left and leave Dunn at first. That won't happen of course. If they're concerned with Dunn at first, there has to be a minor league free agent or a Rule 5 guy they could have picked up who can hit better than Hatteberg or Aurilla. This lack of imagination is why the Reds will likely be condemmed to mediocrity for the the forseeable future.

(Oh, and as if you needed any further proof this is a bad move, Ryan is in favor of it.)

Labels: baseball

Noted whiny asshole Danny Graves isn't looking well:



Maybe it's a bad angle, but this was a nice pick-me-up...

Labels: baseball

("Oh, you think so, Doctor?")

Goes to Dan O'Brien, Cincinnati Reds General Manager, for this gem:

"We've got a lot of room for improvement"

Labels: baseball, Colonel James Memorial Award

Griffey, although he was shut down for most of the last month of the season, didn't go on the DL in 2005. (I know!) So no one wins the pool. He had a great year, and I (seriously) couldn't be happier for him.

Labels: baseball