. . .: Dusty Baker's lineup...

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Dusty Baker's lineup...

Dusty Baker just will not stop playing Corey Patterson, even though he's hitting a cool .195 this year. Like most Reds fans, I'm wondering how this happens. Here's what I imagine...

[Dusty Baker is in his office, door closed, pacing.]

DB: I'm in a quandry! Who do I play in Center Field? [Turns toward large mirror in corner of office] What do I do, Mirror?

[An image of Dusty in full uniform appears in the mirror]

Mirror Dusty: [over-laughing] Dusty! You handsome son of a bitch! What's going on!

DB: I just can't figure out what to do!

MD: What? You got this shit on lock down! You're Dusty Baker!

DB: The team is sinking fast, Mirror. My shortstops keep disappearing on me. Junior won't return my calls. Now I can't figure out who to play in center.

MD: [looks confused] That is a tough one, Dusty. Well, who's the fastest guy on the team?

DB: Well, Corey Patterson, I guess.

MD: There you go! Your fastest player plays center field, everyone knows that!

DB: Yeah! You're right, Mirror! That's one problem down. Okay, let's put the lineup together...who hits first?

MD: Your center fielder! Those are the rules!

DB: [doubtful] You sure, Mirror? He's only hitting .195, and rarely walks. Wouldn't a more logical move be to place the player with the higher on-base-percentage first, so that someone is on base when the big hitters come up later in the order?

MD: On-what-percentage? Come on, man you don't want anyone clogging up the bases! Play Patterson!

DB: [wavering] Mirror, I don't know...

MD: Have I ever failed you before? Who told you to keep wearing wristbands even though you don't do anything that makes you sweat?

DB: [sheepishly] You did.

MD: And who told you to play Neifi Perez at shortstop with the Cubs?

DB: You did.

MD: And who told you to ride Kerry Wood and Mark Prior into straight into the ground, ruining their careers?

DB: That's right, you did!

MD: And Marvin L. Bernard? He was just an below-average Giants farmhand before I came along. Now he's your butler! Did you ever dream you could have a butler?

DB: [excited] That was you, Mirror!

MD: Hell yeah it was! Now get those sweatbands on and get out there, the game started ten minutes ago.

DB: [over-laughing]

MD: [over-laughing]

Labels: baseball, Reds Theatre