. . .

Education Secretary Arne Duncan: No Graduates, No Game for College Basketball

So Das Boot is on Encore's rotation again. It's about 8,000 hours long, so even under normal conditions it would be impossible to watch straight through, but it's probably the tensest movie I've ever seen. If you haven't seen it (and I'm sure the four people who read this shitty blog haven't), it's the story of a German U-boat during World War II. It's tense for me in two ways:

Labels: movies, philosophical questions, Pointless reflection

So this shitty, shitty decade is coming to a close, and as a result, plenty of my favorite review sites are releasing their best-of lists. And being a shameless follower, I was planning to write one of my own. Lately, however, I've been reconsidering. What would I really have to say? Are the four (maybe) people who read this shitty blog really going to be surprised that The Wire is first? Or that I like The Life Aquatic more than others? So what's really the point of doing the work? If you want me to post something, leave it in the comments. Otherwise, fuck it.

Labels: Pointless reflection

When we say something is "underrated" or "overrated", what is it that we mean? Well, when we rate things, the "rating" we give them is particular to the person doing the rating; Andy hates Jackie Brown, whereas I love it, so I can say that he "underrates" Jackie Brown. But when we just throw out that, say, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is "underrated", who is doing the rating? There's not some sort of independent rating agency that establishes the worth of a piece of entertainment; art isn't baseball. I also don't believe in the "wisdom of crowds" nonsense that's popular these days. Look at Flickchart; I liked The Dark Knight as much as anyone, but can you really say that it's the best movie of all time? Or that The Professional is #20? Crowds are often dumb because people are often dumb; lumping them together doesn't (always) make their choices any smarter or better.

I guess my point is that "-rated" is another meaningless buzzword. Even my example of Andy "underrating" Jackie Brown is bullshit. He rates Jackie Brown exactly correct for him. To me, it seems like he's "underrating" it. (And he is, because he's wrong, but that's another post.)

Labels: Pointless reflection

Nothing has happened in the seven months since I last posted. That's not entirely true. I bought (okay, leased) a new car. I drove to Cincinnati. I attended weddings and a funeral. I had a nice vacation.

Now what?

Labels: Pointless reflection

Andy Richter to Rejoin Conan O'Brien as 'Tonight Show' Announcer

Labels: TV

For some reason, I can't seem to get anything out of my head and into this shitty blog for the past year or so. I broke my sole New Year's Resolution (well, the one I'll talk about here anyway), which was to write for an hour a day, just to see if I have any talent for this whatsoever. That one was busted on January 3. On the plus side, that's a new record. Christ, my last post took me two hours to write four short, unoriginal paragraphs about steroids and sports. What am I, Rick Reilly? So lately I've been putting up crap like this and this and this. So thanks to Will Leitch, here's another one, about my iTunes library:

Number of songs: 8,789
Number of albums: 862
Total length: 23 days, 6 hours, 6 minutes, 58 seconds
Total disk space: 33.04 GB

Most recently played song: "My Favorite Things", John Coltrane
Most played song: "'Charu's Theme' From Satyajit Ray's Film 'Charulata'", Satyajit Ray
Most recently added album: Blood Bank, Bon Iver

First song alphabetically: "'A' (morse)", The Conet Project
Last song alphabetically: "Zurich is Stained", Slanted & Enchanted / Pavement
First song numerically: "1-10 Announcement", The Conet Project
Last song numerically: "99 Year Blues", The Anthology of American Folk Music / Julius Daniel

Shortest song: "There's a Riot Goin' On", There's a Riot Goin' On / Sly & The Family Stone (0:04)
Longest song: "Bitches Brew", Bitches Brew / Miles Davis (27:00)

First album alphabetically: A.M. / Wilco
Last album alphabetically: Zen Arcade / Hüsker Dü
First album numerically: #1 Record/Radio City / Big Star
Last album numerically: 89/93: An Anthology / Uncle Tupelo

First artist alphabetically: Aaliyah
Last artist alphabetically: Zoot Sims
First band alphabetically: The Aardvarks
Last band alphabetically: The Zombies

First twenty-five songs on shuffle:
"The Precious Jewel" / The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
"Sign O' the Times" / Prince
"I'm a Loser" / The Beatles
"Inn Town" / Whiskeytown
"Two" / Ryan Adams
"I Would Die 4 U" / Prince
"Tonight, I'll Be Staying Here With You" / Bob Dylan & The Rolling Thunder Review
"Thank You Friends" / Big Star
"Powerline" / Hüsker Dü
"Love Is Plentiful" / The Staple Singers
"The Wind Cries Mary" / Jimi Hendrix
"Why Me Lord?" / Johnny Cash
"Willie Nelson [insert 2]" / Miles Davis
"Parting of the Sensory" / Modest Mouse
"K.O.S. (Determination)" / Black Star
"Life on a Chain" / Pete Yorn
"Absynthe" / The Gits
"Walking in Memphis" / Marc Cohn
"Sample Count" / The Conet Project
"My Brilliant Feat" / Colin Hay
"Nothing Compares 2 U" / Sinéad O'Connor
"Hard Luck Woman" / Kiss
"Christmas Time Is Here" / Vince Guaraldi Trio
"The Upper Peninsula" / Sufjan Stevens
"There She Goes" / The La's
"Sara Smile" / Hall & Oates

Labels: Misc., music

I was shocked, shocked, I tell you, to hear that a professional athlete competing at the highest level possible with millions of dollars at stake, would dare use a sort-of-illegal substance to gain a theoretical edge over his opponents. In my view, the only thing we can fault A-Rod for is being dumb enough to continue using detectable substances when he knew a test was coming.¹

The tests were supposed to remain confidential, but were seized by your federal government as part of its $55 million prosecution of Barry Bonds for "lying" about using a legal substance. The absurd persecution of the greatest baseball player since Willie Mays has led the prosecutors to raid the home and threaten prosecution of the relatives of ancillary figures in the case.²

The story that is being conveniently ignored is former Cincinnatian Dana Stubblefield "cooperating" with the BALCO case, apparently naming fellow NFLers who also used. Like with Bonds and A-Rod, I don't really have any sort of problem with Stubblefield using, but I think the sports world's relative silence on this matter is interesting. Other NFL drug weirdness:

• Star OLB Shawne Merriman gets suspended for four games for steroids. The silence of NFL writers is deafening, especially that of noted moralist Peter King, whose columns are regularly filled with rhetoric decrying Bonds, Clemens, and other baseball steroid users.
• Luis Castillo uses steroids before the 2005 draft combine, is caught before the draft, and is still picked in the first round. Last year, he was on the cover of the Spanish-language Madden 08.
• There's more public concern over the Patriots' videotaping "cheating" than their continued employment of steroid user Rodney Harrison.
  

Why the free pass? After all, if we're just considering the effects of steroids -- increased muscle mass, ability to train longer and harder, and increased healing -- wouldn't they be far more useful in football than baseball? If Shawne Merriman is 6-4/270 and run a 4.6, he's most likely going to be a star if he has a modicum of football talent, but if you can't hit the ball or throw a strike, it doesn't matter how fast you are or how much you can bench.³ I think that it's because football has become less a sport than America's favorite soap opera, and the athletes are more actors than anything else, and everything is disposed of after the season; baseball is almost mythic, instant history. I have no proof for this, of course, other than my own probably unoriginal conjectures, but it does concern me. It should concern you too.

---

Footnotes:
1. Interestingly (to me at least) is that this story is being reported on by noted moralist Selena Roberts, a reporter best known for buying in full-scale to the Duke Lacrosse rape fraud. I'm not doubting her reportage on this matter, but I'm not sure how someone who was so stunningly wrong on a major story can maintain any sort of crediblity.
2. As always with these things, I'm reminded of a quote by P.J. O'Rourke: "Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
3. The career of Glenn Braggs is an instructive example.

Labels: baseball, football, media

1980 - The Empire Strikes Back
1981 - Stripes
1982 - Fitzcarraldo
1983 - The Right Stuff
1984 - The Karate Kid
1985 - Rocky IV
1986 - Hannah and Her Sisters
1987 - Lethal Weapon
1988 - Die Hard
1989 - Major League
1990 - Goodfellas
1991 - Terminator 2: Judgment Day
1992 - Under Siege
1993 - Dazed and Confused
1994 - Pulp Fiction
1995 - Kicking and Screaming
1996 - Beautiful Girls
1997 - Boogie Nights
1998 - The Big Lebowski
1999 - Three Kings
2000 - High Fidelity
2001 - The Royal Tenenbaums
2002 - City of God
2003 - All the Real Girls
2004 - Kill Bill: Vol. 2
2005 - The 40 Year Old Virgin
2006 - Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
2007 - Zodiac
2008 - The Dark Knight

Labels: movies

As awful a year as 2008 was in most respects, TV was a rare bright spot. Some thoughts:

• The Shield was the best show on TV this year. I've had my doubts about the show before, specifically in the show's attitude towards Vic. Any show/movie/book that has an evil main character runs the risk of over-glamorizing that character.¹ Just look at the cult that's surrounded Tony Montana of Scarface.² Vic is a bad cop and thoroughly evil person, but since he's funny, charismatic, and his adversaries (Claudette, Dutch, Aceveda, etc.) aren't sympathetic, a good portion of the audience ends up rooting for Vic to succeed. Anyway, The Shield's season finale, where Claudette lays out Shane's confession and the crime scene photos for Vic to see, at least let me know where the show itself stood on Vic's behavior, even if that probably didn't convince any of the show's less thoughtful viewers.

• Mad Men, if you've never seen it but are considering watching it, is not for everyone. Remember how The Sopranos got towards the end of its run, with a lot of atmosphere and not much plot? Remember how there were still enough mob drama elements in it that it kept the casuals teased that something more was coming³? Mad Men is like that. Very little happening, but everything happening, if that makes sense.

• The Office:

  • • I really hate Jim. At the beginning, he had that emo-boy, unrequited love thing with Pam that made him pretty sympathetic, but now he's just a smug asshole, and has a completely unearned superiority complex over the rest of his coworkers. However, the show recognizes this and comments on it.⁴. Jim isn't awesome; he's a deeply flawed person, as opposed to a sitcom character.⁵

    • That's something I really like about this show – its willingness to let its characters be mediocre. In most other sitcoms⁶, when Pam went off to “art school”, she would have passed with flying colors. Instead, she straight-up flunked out and came crawling back to Scranton, her terrible receptionist job, and a married life with Jim in Jim's parents' house. The look on her face in that scene as she came to grips with her failure was sad and wonderful at the same time.

    • Michael, well really, Steve Carell holds this show together. I'm just in awe of his performance at times. If he ever leaves, they should just shut the show down, because no other actor could carry this thing.

    ---

    Footnotes:

    1. The reverse – “good” characters being hated by the audience – can also be a problem. The Jedi in various incarnations of the Star Wars universe are generally lame, forcing me to cheer for Darth Vader and the Emperor, and for George Lucas to turn Darth Vader into a irritating, lovesick little bitch in the prequels. Another example would be me rooting for that crackhead to kill David in that episode of Six Feet Under, or more precisely, for anything to happen.

    2. The Sopranos' creators noticed this problem but tried to solve it by making the entire show unwatchable for the last three seasons. Mission accomplished.

    3. Remember all the hilarious, hysterical speculation about how the finale was going to be so incredible, and then nothing happened? That was awesome.

    4. See the fake survey Kelly wrote up in “Customer Survey”, and also cokehead Ryan's criticisms of Jim when he was trying to force him out last season.

    5. Which he is, of course, but you know what I mean.

    6. Example: in How I Met Your Mother, how Ted is apparently some superstar architect, when he's really just an annoying douche.

Labels: TV

Explanations may come later. Note that this list is made up of things I saw/read in 2008, as opposed things that were released in 2008.

Movies
1. The Dark Knight
2. There Will Be Blood
3. The Rules of the Game
4. In Bruges
5. Once
6. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
7. Pineapple Express

Honorable Mentions:
Into the Wild, The King of Kong, Rescue Dawn, Rififi, Son of Rambow

Television
1. The Shield
2. Generation Kill
3. Mad Men
4. The Wire
5. The Office
6. Battlestar Galactica
7. Spaced

Honorable Mentions:
30 Rock, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Carrier, Dexter, How I Met Your Mother, My Boys

Music
1. Stay Positive / The Hold Steady
2. Brighter Than Creation's Dark / Drive-By Truckers

Books
1. Tree of Smoke / Denis Johnson
2. Watchmen / Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons
3. Stalingrad / Antony Beevor
4. Game of Thrones / George R.R. Martin
5. Downtown Owl / Chuck Klosterman

Honorable Mentions:
Too many to list; see my Goodreads page.

Labels: books, movies, music, TEG, TV

I'll be in the Cincinnati area from the 22nd until the morning of the 26th.

Labels: TEG

Don't know what to buy for the fat, depressed bachelor casting a dark cloud over your life? As long as you expect nothing in return except my barely concealed contempt, here's a list of things I'd like this Xmas:

1. A nice iPod dock/speaker system
2. A new quilt, preferably flannel
3. A tobacco pipe
4. Kindle
5. HD TiVo
6. MacBook Air
7. BMW 325i sedan in black or dark blue
8. Tickets to this
   
9. Oh, and that guy to make a good movie again
10. Owen Wilson to retire from acting except for Wes Anderson's films
11. Bill Murray to start feeling better about himself
12. New episodes of The Shield and The Wire
13. A shitload of money
    

Labels: TEG

When I can't sleep, I get up and channel surf in the dark until I get sleepy, which usually takes about an 45 minutes to an hour. I like to linger on the Weather Channel, especially the local weather on the 8's. The combination of elevator music, bland graphics, and computerized narration is a sure thing.¹ C-SPAN is also nice, especially when they're interviewing a writer who has little to say. But mostly I just flip around.

Sometimes, though, if I'm particularly unlucky, I will catch one of Nick at Nite's marathons. When Nick at Nite first started, they played old TV shows that could reasonably be considered classic - I Love Lucy, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, etc. In the last few years, however, they've moved pretty solely to more recent family sitcoms of rather dubious quality²: Home Improvement, Full House, The George Lopez Show, and the big one: Family Matters.


If I'm unlucky enough to be flipping around and land on a Family Matters block, any idea I had of falling asleep is over. I simply cannot turn away from this show. I sit on my couch, agape and shocked at the bizarre dreadfulness that coming from my television screen and boring its way into my consciousness. I contemplate just how something this irredeemably awful can be produced for 215 episodes³ over nine seasons⁴. Who watches this unironically? Why is it still in syndication, ten years after it was mercifully cancelled? Is Family Matters the worst show of all time? I think so. Consider some of the show's crimes against humanity:

• A show that is ostensibly about a family that shifts its focus almost entirely to a minor character: that handsome young man pictured above, one Steve Urkel. As a result, a majority of the episodes featured this nerd doing nerdy things, such as taking pratfalls and breaking things. Once these were done over and over and over again, Urkel was changed from just a regular nerd into possibly the smartest person who ever existed:
  
• He created the "Urkelbot", a sentient robot that eventually became a police officer.
• He created the Transformation Chamber, which crossed his and Carl's genes with Bruce Lee once, leading to perhaps the worst fight scene in history.⁵
• Urkel's most important invention, however, was "Boss Sauce", which at first just transformed Steve into Stefan Urquelle, a smooth alter ego of Steve. Steve eventually cloned Stefan, who fell in love with Laura Winslow.
• One episode featured Eddie, the Winslow son, dumping Urkel as his partner in a 2-on-2 basketball tournament. The notion of uber-nerd Urkel being good at basketball is ridiculous enough, but Urkel, as revenge, gets as his new partner "Grandmama" from Larry Johnson's Converse commercials. "Grandmama" was not introduced or presented as Larry Johnson, only as "Grandmama". Taking that at face value⁶, that means that Family Matters, Perfect Strangers, Full House, Step by Step, and Boy Meets World, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Clueless, Moesha, and Hangin' with Mr. Cooper⁷ all exist in the same fictional universe as a series of Converse commercials.
  

I could go on and on, but I'm getting a headache just thinking about this show.

---

Footnotes:
1. Well, 99% of the time. They have this show which postulates the death and destruction caused by hypothetical weather events. Once I happened to catch the one about a tornado hitting downtown Dallas, which freaked me out.
2. And also The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which is of course great.
3. !
4. !!
5. See Urkel's Wikipedia page for other inventions.
6. i.e., "Grandmama" exists as an actual old woman who is awesome at basketball and also a Converse shoes enthusiast
7. See the Wikipedia page for direct crossovers. Note that Full House once crossed over with Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, Boy Meets World crossed over with Sabrina, and Sabrina crossed over with Clueless and Moesha. (See Poobala.com for all your TV crossover needs.)

Labels: TV

• ...as I do have problems with the show, beyond the ones I've already outlined:
• Ted is a terrible character. He's a self-righteous, annoying douche and I just don't get why the other characters fawn all over him. He's the Poochie of this show.
• Anyone who's seen Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, Knocked Up, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall knows Jason Segel is just wasted playing a straight man. It does make his occasional freakouts much more effective, but it's kind of like using Albert Pujols as a late-inning pinch hitter.
• After seeing Semi-Pro, Will Ferrell is dead to me¹. It seems like instead of having an actual story, the entire film was based off the poster.
  
• One of Chuck Klosterman's pet theories is that everyone has (or needs) a nemesis² and an arch-enemy. My arch-enemy is Roy Oswalt. He's started 25 games against the Reds and he's now 22-1. What the fuck? Even the Pirates, who have been worse than the Reds over his career, have a decent record against him: "only" 11-6. Plus he has the same birthday as me. Prick.
• Speaking of birthdays, I'm now 28. I don't know what to think about this.³
  
• Christ, I'm sick of the election already⁴, and there's still two months left⁵. Some thoughts:
• I'm not voting for John McCain, and I cannot fathom why anyone else would, other than the "R" that's next to his name. We're talking about a fucking Keating Five member here, people.
  
• I'm also not voting for Barack Obama. He gives a good speech, but does anyone have any sort of clue what he stands for? As far as I can tell -- and it's not like he's been clear on the topic, the man seems only to speak in broad generalities -- the only sort of "change" he wants to bring is a reversion to '60s and '70s-style left-Democrat policies.
• No mainstream candidate is ever going to be acceptable to me. P.J. O'Rourke once said that no Libertarian will achieve success in the mainstream, since they tell you what they won't do for you (less government, etc.), whereas every other politician tells you what they will do for you.
• I briefly considered writing in Andy, but alas, he's too young to be President.
• So I guess I won't be voting at all this fall.
• I mentioned my love of continuity in the other post. Two examples where continuity killed my interest in a show:
• Yes, I loved Beverly Hills 90210. One season, they ended with a cliffhanger where Brandon and Valerie⁶ were making out. The next season opener they had some brief aside between the two where they basically laughed it off, which was cheap, but fine, really, because as Brenda's direct replacement as Brandon's sister, it never made sense to romantically pair off Brandon and Valerie. But a couple seasons later, Valerie and Kelly (Valerie's arch-enemy) were both sick with the flu (or something), sequestered in the old Walsh house, and arguing, and Valerie told Kelly the reason she doesn't like her. Well, they do a whole flashback to right after the cliffhanger, and in the new flashback, Kelly comes over right when Valerie and Brandon are about to do it, "ruining Valerie's shot with Brandon" as she put it. Well, that's not really what happened, as I well know.
  
• In King of the Hill, they established that Hank looks like and has the personality of his mother, which is the basic reason Cotton never really liked Hank. But then Cotton goes to Japan⁷ in a later season, and they meet Cotton's illegitimate son, which makes him Hank's half-brother from his dad's side -- none of Hank's mom's genes. So of course, he looks and acts just like Hank, which I know can't happen since, again, none of Hank's genes.
  
• The point is, if I can pay attention to all this shit, is it really too much to ask of the writers to do the same?
  

---

Footnotes:

1. It's very tough breaking up with someone you once loved. I mean, I loved Anchorman and especially Talladega Nights, and he has to go and do this and Blades of Glory to me. Why, Will Ferrell, why?
2. A nemesis is basically a friendly rival; think Larry Bird and Magic Johnson.
3. That's not entirely true.
   
4. That's not true either -- I've been sick of it since it started.
5. As long as we don't have another 2000-esque freakout.
6. i.e., slutty Kelly Kapowski.
7. Cotton "killed fitty men," remember?
   

Labels: baseball, movies, politics, TV

I still can't think of anything substantive to write about, so what I'm going to do is write up two posts, one positive (and probably shorter), the other negative. I'm sure you'll get the idea.

• Holla! Bengals resign my favorite player, the awesomely stupid WR Chris Henry, and all the whitebread moralists predictably blow a fuse. The best headline was this: "Bengals take Henry back...all it cost was their souls". "Souls"...what a fucking joke. If they (or any American professional sports team) had a soul, they wouldn't have raped a dying city out of a $400 million stadium that's used 15 times a year and is a blight on the skyline.¹
  
• The McRib is back.
  
• Stephen and I had two man-dates, seeing The Dark Knight and Pineapple Express. Loved them both!
  
• I hate superheroes. Superman bores the shit out of me; rooting for him is like rooting for a hurricane. Spiderman is a complete douche. Iron Man is only good because Robert Downey, Jr. is so great. The X-Men are okay, because at least they have flaws. Batman, though...he just seems realer. Well, this version of Batman, anyway. The whole thing is just perfect, the right director, the right Batman, the right supporting cast.²
• Okay, it's probably not surprising that I loved Pineapple Express. The math is simple: The Judd Apatow crew + weed jokes + '80s action movies + David Gordon Green = TG likes the movie.
  
• You're probably not watching Generation Kill³, and if you aren't, don't wait for the DVDs to come out, get on BitTorrent and download it now. I'm serious about this. It's the best thing on TV this year. As opposed to every other bullshit Iraq movie⁴, it doesn't talk down to you and the only real stance it takes is anti-war and pro-troops (which is basically where I'm at). The guys who did The Wire⁵, David Simon and Ed Burns, are doing this, and it's just as good. Oh, go to your local library and get the book it was based on, too.
  
• Since my social life is virtually nil, I've been reading a lot. And since I'm a giant nerd, I keep track of what I read here.
  
• I've finally been beaten down by Ryan and Andy into watching How I Met Your Mother. It's a good show, and I'm glad I started watching it. Points:
• I am shocked -- repeat, shocked -- that Neil Patrick Harris is as funny as he is. Who would have ever thought (pre-Harold and Kumar, of course) that Doogie Howser, MD could be this awesome? He single-handedly carries this show.
  
• As always, I am impressed with attention to continuity.⁶ Second to NPH, this is the show's biggest positive.
• Robin's character is pretty great too. Besides being hot, she's also a clever gender-reversal, not giving a shit about relationships or getting married, but not turning into a slut caricature.
  
• That doesn't mean it's all good...⁷

---

Footnotes

1. This one kind of turned into a negative, didn't it?
2. Speaking of Christian Bale, go rent Werner Herzog's Rescue Dawn. Oh, and the documentary it was based on, Little Dieter Needs to Fly.
3. Actually, you probably are, since the only person who reads this terrible blog is me, and I'm obviously watching.
4. Probably starring John Cusack. What a douche he turned into. Hey asshole, leave your irritating political viewpoints to yourself and make another funny movie. But what can we expect from a fucking Cubs fan?
5. Which, despite what Andy may believe, is the greatest show of all time.
   
6. Lack of attention to continuity is one of my biggest TV pet peeves. More on this in the negative post.
7. This is where you go to the negative post. I'm not done with it yet, and I'm not really done with this one yet. I may add to it, but I have to get ready for work now. (Quit complaining, this shit is free. Oh, and terrible.)
   

Labels: Bengals, movies, random, TV

I've seen this on a few blogs I read, and since I honestly can't come up with literally anything to write about lately, here are my favorite albums released in all the years I've been born...

1980 - Remain in Light / Talking Heads
1981 - Private Eyes / Daryl Hall & John Oates
1982 - Thriller / Michael Jackson
1983 - 1999 / Prince
1984 - Purple Rain / Prince and the Revolution
1985 - Tim / The Replacements
1986 - Guitar Town / Steve Earle
1987 - Appetite For Destruction / Guns N' Roses
1988 - Straight Outta Compton / N.W.A.
1989 - Disintegration / The Cure
1990 - No Depression / Uncle Tupelo
1991 - Nevermind / Nirvana
1992 - Slanted and Enchanted / Pavement
1993 - Anodyne / Uncle Tupelo
1994 - Unplugged in New York / Nirvana
1995 - Tomorrow the Green Grass / The Jayhawks
1996 - Being There / Wilco
1997 - OK Computer / Radiohead
1998 - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea / Neutral Milk Hotel
1999 - Things Fall Apart / The Roots
2000 - Stankonia / Outkast
2001 - Is This It? / The Strokes
2002 - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot / Wilco
2003 - Chutes Too Narrow / The Shins
2004 - Funeral / The Arcade Fire
2005 - Picaresque / The Decemberists
2006 - The Life Pursuit / Belle and Sebastian
2007 - Sound of Silver / LCD Soundsystem
2008 - Stay Positive / The Hold Steady

That was harder than it looked. There are some years (1980-1, 1990-1, 1997) where I was just lost looking for something I even liked. (Thus, Radiohead, who I normally can't stand.)

Labels: music

Dusty Baker just will not stop playing Corey Patterson, even though he's hitting a cool .195 this year. Like most Reds fans, I'm wondering how this happens. Here's what I imagine...

[Dusty Baker is in his office, door closed, pacing.]

DB: I'm in a quandry! Who do I play in Center Field? [Turns toward large mirror in corner of office] What do I do, Mirror?

[An image of Dusty in full uniform appears in the mirror]

Mirror Dusty: [over-laughing] Dusty! You handsome son of a bitch! What's going on!

DB: I just can't figure out what to do!

MD: What? You got this shit on lock down! You're Dusty Baker!

DB: The team is sinking fast, Mirror. My shortstops keep disappearing on me. Junior won't return my calls. Now I can't figure out who to play in center.

MD: [looks confused] That is a tough one, Dusty. Well, who's the fastest guy on the team?

DB: Well, Corey Patterson, I guess.

MD: There you go! Your fastest player plays center field, everyone knows that!

DB: Yeah! You're right, Mirror! That's one problem down. Okay, let's put the lineup together...who hits first?

MD: Your center fielder! Those are the rules!

DB: [doubtful] You sure, Mirror? He's only hitting .195, and rarely walks. Wouldn't a more logical move be to place the player with the higher on-base-percentage first, so that someone is on base when the big hitters come up later in the order?

MD: On-what-percentage? Come on, man you don't want anyone clogging up the bases! Play Patterson!

DB: [wavering] Mirror, I don't know...

MD: Have I ever failed you before? Who told you to keep wearing wristbands even though you don't do anything that makes you sweat?

DB: [sheepishly] You did.

MD: And who told you to play Neifi Perez at shortstop with the Cubs?

DB: You did.

MD: And who told you to ride Kerry Wood and Mark Prior into straight into the ground, ruining their careers?

DB: That's right, you did!

MD: And Marvin L. Bernard? He was just an below-average Giants farmhand before I came along. Now he's your butler! Did you ever dream you could have a butler?

DB: [excited] That was you, Mirror!

MD: Hell yeah it was! Now get those sweatbands on and get out there, the game started ten minutes ago.

DB: [over-laughing]

MD: [over-laughing]

Labels: baseball, Reds Theatre

...I'm going to count:

1. Hindus - The most obvious group, as their religion is being raped for the sake of "comedy" and a bad karma pun.
   
2. Indians - His "character" uses a stereotypical Indian accent; he sounds like a bad Apu impression.
3. Gurus - I know the damage control is saying that Myers is making fun of phony Westerners selling Eastern religion as self-help, but there actually are gurus in the Hindu religion who actually help people.
   
4. Little people - I don't know, obviously, but I'm guessing Verne Troyer is considered a sellout among the little people community. The asshole just can't stop selling out his condition for the laughs of the full-size community. And for the love of God, please, Mike Myers, just put him down. We get it, Mike -- he's little.
5. French-Canadians - Justin Timberlake plays some sort of stereotypical French-Canadian, thus continuing the grand Canadian tradition of Quebecois oppression.
   
6. Other stereotypically swarthy cultures - I actually wasn't sure what ethnicity Timberlake's character was, so it's clearly offensive to all.
   
7. Romany Malco - He's the black guy in the left-hand corner, and is a wonderfully talented comedic performer (see The 40-Year-Old Virgin). Not only does he have to be associated with this mess, he doesn't even get his name on the poster.
   
8. The Toronto Maple Leafs - I'm guessing they're regretting allowing their involvement.
9. Jessica Alba's newborn child - I will assume that Jessica Alba has no shame, given her main talent lies in clearly posed bikini paparazzi shots on some beach somewhere, but her poor child now has to live with this the rest of its life.
10. Sunflowers - The sunflower is a noble plant. Its seeds, when roasted and salted, provide one of my favorite snacks. There's a nice Van Gogh painting of sunflowers. Why Mike Myers feels the need to ruin that for me too, I can't figure out.
11. The letter "o" - What graphic designer said, you know what? The letter "o" kinda sucks. Every damn movie has an "o". What we need is a poorly drawn cartoon of Mike Myers' character replacing that bullshit letter!
12. The audience - Does he and the studio really think this is funny?
13. Most of all, me.
    

Labels: movies

• So I had a busy few weeks.
  
• In late April, I had a root canal. Yes, I am 27 years old. It really wasn't bad aside from having my jaw pried open for an hour.
• Then I went to Las Vegas for Justin's bachelor party. Several observations:
• On the plane coming in, when the pilot announced the final approach to Vegas, a woman a few rows in front of me said "Wooooo! We're going to Vegas!! Git 'r done!"^{1 2} I am not exaggerating a word of this.
• Justin for some reason had come in a day before everyone else. He told me he lost $500. I said, "Oh shit, on what?" He told me that he physically lost a $500 chip, as opposed to being down $500.
  
• Lyle and Nic were able to come up from Phoenix to join us. It was Nic's final weekend before joining the Navy, so they were ready to party. Which we did.
• Lyle had a party mishap on Saturday night³, leaving it up to Ryan and I to get Nic on a plane back to Phoenix on time so he could meet his recruiter. That was a very odd morning. We took him to lunch and he was getting worried about the whole Navy deal. I walked him to the cabstand and it was...hard to explain, sort of like sending a kid away, which is even stranger since Nic is older than I am.⁴
• Sunday night Justin, Ryan, and I wore our suits out and saw Penn and Teller and had a very nice meal, and then gambled. I very much enjoy wearing a suit. I think I don't do it enough.
  
• Justin left Monday afternoon for some reason, leaving Ryan and I to stare at each other the rest of the day. Okay, it wasn't that bad. Ryan and I enjoy each other's company (I think), we just don't do it enough.
  
• It should probably go without saying that Vegas is not my thing. I am glad that I went, because a) I now know that I'm not really missing anything, and b) despite my monkish, solitary tendencies⁵, I really do enjoy spending time with my friends, however few they may be.⁶
  
• The next weekend was Andy and Amy's wedding. Several observations:
• I got some great, great news on Tuesday: my dad broke his foot and needed surgery, thus preventing him from traveling. Okay, I know what you're thinking: this isn't good news, it's bad news. Keep reading, though: he was going to stay with me the whole weekend.
  
• We had the bachelor party on the Thursday before. It was about what you'd expect. For some reason I can't figure out, I got completely wrecked at Tim's bachelor party last year⁷, but not at this one.
  
• My brother was in town, of course⁸. His rugby team was in some sort of alleged playoffs, so he was aping hockey players and not shaving until they were over, so he had a ridiculous beard the whole weekend. The upside of this was that it gave everyone ample opportunity to make beard jokes.⁹
• The trained chimps who work at Tuxedo Junction didn't exactly measure me correctly, so my pants were a little too big and my sleeves a little too long.
• The wedding was a wedding, about what you'd expect.
  
• The Friday after that, I had more dental work done: wisdom teeth removal. Very few problems with that, and I was lucky enough to have my Aunt there to take care of me.
• The Friday after *that*, I went back to Cincinnati for Justin and Sarah's wedding¹⁰. Several observations:
• So something that I thought might happen over this weekend ended up not happening, which I found out before I left, but that was okay.
  
• I flew into Louisville, rented a car¹¹ and drove up from there. This wouldn't be so bad, but it was raining the entire way and freaking me the hell out. For some reason, I had to pick up my tuxedo at Tri-County Mall, which is in the northern part of the city. Louisville, obviously, is to the southwest, meaning I had to fight traffic the whole length of the city, which was awesome.
• Ryan and Ann were kind enough to let me stay at their house for the weekend, and Ryan was kind enough to drive me around. I had a very nice time with them.
• The wedding was a wedding, about what you'd expect.
• Memorial Day week was uneventful, but I did buy a manual typewriter on eBay, for some reason.
• I also decided to sell my XBOX 360. I'll be putting it up on eBay relatively soon, but I will consider offers before then. Shoot me an email if you're interested.
  
• The following Thursday, the tooth I had a root canal on was fitted for a cap, which meant my jaw was pried open for another hour. I'm so sick of the fucking dentist.
• The next day I drove with my Aunt and Uncle (and Grandfather) to Jackson, Mississippi for my cousin Sam's wedding. Several observations:
• This was my first long car trip in a while.
  
• Jackson...pretty much what you'd expect.¹²
• My brother came, and he has cut his beard. But not his hair, and he was sporting a headband for much of the weekend, which made him look like a blonde Richie Tenenbaum.
• The wedding was a wedding, about what you'd expect.¹³
• It's now June. I am hot. Very, very hot. I am sick of this goddamn weather already and there's still three months of this shit left.

---

Footnotes

1. Jesus fucking Christ. It's been six weeks since this fucking trip and I'm still pissed off about this. It's bad enough that Texas has this idiot cowboy stereotype, but do we have to live up to it? Goddamnit, even thinking about just irritates the hell out of me.
2. By the way, will Larry the Cable Guy just fucking go away already? I know Larry the Cable Guy hatred is not a particularly groundbreaking opinion to have, but I hold it nonetheless.
3. I'm not going to get into the not-so-sordid details of our partying. If you know any of us, you probably can guess what happened.
4. If anyone has any Nic updates, please post them in the comments.
   
5. Jesus, that's like the understatement of the year.
6. For an alternate picture of our weekend, check out Ryan's blog.
7. Worst hangover of my entire life. I puked three times at the hotel, and just laid in bed with the lights off for about four hours.
8. He stayed at Stephen's house with our cousin Michael. I can only imagine what that house smelled like after: probably a mixture of vomit, bong water, and body odor.
9. Stephen took the crown with his nickname "Boxcar Joe".
   
10. I always mistype "weeding" when I mean "wedding", but not the other way, strangely.
11. A Nissan Rogue. Don't buy one.
12. One little anecdote illustrating my lack of enthusiasm for Jackson: the wedding was held at the Catholic Cathedral for the state of Mississippi (the diocese of Jackson covers the whole state). The entire thing could fit into the Catholic church in the town I'm in. Yeah...they don't care for us papists down there.
13. I'm clearly losing steam at this point. I'm sorry, I just don't have it any more, I guess.
    

Labels: TEG

I think sometimes it seems like I wear a big sign that says, "Please fuck with me. I enjoy it." Rest assured, I do not.

I know that, to the outside observer, the person I see once or twice a decade, my little foibles are amusing. Hell, I understand. I can joke about it with my friends, and talk about it on this shitty blog. But what seems funny to you is what I like to call my "life." These are my actual reactions to things, not a bad improv sketch. I can't stress this enough: I really am this fucked up.

So please, from the bottom of my heart, stop fucking with me.

Thank you for your time.

Labels: TEG

Adam Dunn, as he is wont to do, hit a giant three-run home run to win the game yesterday. However, Dusty Baker, the Reds' manager, first asked him to sacrifice bunt the two runners over. Here's how I imagine that conversation going:

DB: [walking over to Dunn] Big man!

AD: [eating a hoagy] mmmmm. Hey Dusty. What's up?

DB: Look man, we're in a tight spot. We're down by one, it's the bottom of the ninth--

AD: [confused] It's the ninth inning? Man, time flies.

DB: [laughs] Big man, you're hilarious! Look, we need you to move the runners over.

AD: [opening bag of White Castles] Cool.

DB: I'm glad we're on the same page.

AD: [finishing White Castle #4] Yeah, I'm going to hit a homer.

DB: Nah, man, we need you to bunt the runners over. Manufacture runs! Old school!

AD: [eating White Castle #8] Hmmmmm? Bunt?

DB: Get them runners over!

AD: [confused] Me? Seriously? I'm 6-6, 275, I've only ever bunted twice in my entire life. I'm actually kinda unsure how to even hold the bat...[fumbles with bat] Like this?

DB: Fundamentals! Veterans! Manufacturing runs! Clogging the bases!

AD: [opening pizza box] Dusty, that doesn't even make sense. I mean, I can try, but I'm pretty sure we'd be better off if I just went up there and hit a homer. Shit, I've had 40 each of the past four years. That's a pretty long track record of success.

DB: That's why it's such a great strategy! They'll never see it coming!

AD: [finishes pizza] Well, okay, I'll give it a shot.

Labels: baseball, Reds Theatre

Jeff Keppinger, the Reds' "scrappy" shortstop, fouled a pitch off his kneecap and shattered it, putting him, and more importantly, my fantasy team, out for six weeks or so. He and Ken Griffey Jr. had a long talk yesterday, apparently. Here's how I imagine it going:

KGJ: [walking into training room] Hey Jeff, what's happening, man?

JK: [sitting on training table, leg in cast] Oh hey Ken. I broke my kneecap, remember?

KGJ: Yeah, I saw that...hey, man, you okay? You look a little down in the dumps.

JK: Well, I'm out for a couple months. I can't walk, much less play.

KGJ: So what? You get to sit at home and watch TV, then get better, and come back. What's the big deal?

JK: I might not have a job when I get back.

KGJ: Huh? How do you mean?

JK: I'm 27, it's only my third full year in the majors. I was never a prospect, and I don't have a long term contract. If Janish plays really well while I'm on the DL, I might be out of a job. Plus, I'm not exactly a natural shortstop, and I'm not a good enough hitter to play anywhere else but second base, and Brandon Phillips is there. So if I lose some mobility, I'm pretty much done as a major league baseball player.

KGJ: Hold up a second. You're telling me that you have some actual urgency to come back quickly from an injury?

JK: Uh...yeah.

KGJ: And you can't just rely on your natural athletic gifts, dazzling smile, and bloated reputation to coast by on a minimum of effort?

JK: Right.

KGJ: So you're going to work hard in rehabbing the injury, so you can come back at pretty much your old level?

JK: That's the plan.

KGJ: And you actually want to come back during the season, because -- let me get this straight, because I'm having a hard time following -- you might actually lose your job if you miss too much time?

JK: That pretty much sums up my situation.

KGJ: [bewildered, shaking his head] That sucks. I can't even fathom having to go through that. When I started getting older and my body began breaking down because I've never had to take care of myself and I never developed the discipline to work hard in the off-season to supplement my natural gifts, the team just kept giving me chances and cutting me a break. I had an eight-year contract, you know? They couldn't dump me because they'd have to cut a check for $100 million, and no other team wanted me because I kept getting injured, so here for the duration.

JK: Yeah, I know.

[Manager Dusty Baker walks in.]

DB: Junior! I've been looking all over for you! Oh, hey...Joe. What are you doing in here?

JK: I broke my kneecap in last night's game. And it's "Jeff".

DB: [pauses, looks confused] There was a game last night? Is this right, Junior?

KGJ: Yeah, we actually won. You kept texting me during the game.

DB: Oh yeah! Why didn't hit me back?

KGJ: I was in right field, man.

DB: Huh. Don't recall it at all. John, you ready to go tonight?

JK: "Jeff." I broke my kneecap, remember?

KGJ: Yeah Dusty, his damn leg is in a cast. And from what he's been telling me, he has actual urgency to get back quickly, because he might lose his job.

DB: He's probably right. I'm going to start Hairston for the time being. He's a veteran. He has a proven track record of success.

KGJ: [puzzled] You mean Jerry Hairston, Jr.? The journeyman with a .255 lifetime average? That's a proven track record of success?

DB: Hell yeah. He won't clog up the bases

JK: Guys, you're not helping. I'm still pretty depressed. I'd really just rather be alone.

DB: Keep your head up Jake! Junior, come into my office, we need to hang out.

KGJ: Dusty, man, you need to quit calling me. We can't get too close. Don't you know I'm trying to engineer a trade back to Seattle?

DB: [over-laughing] Junior, you're a cut-up!

KGJ: I'm serious. I'm having my agent plant stories in the media linking me to the Mariners, and I've been giving interviews about how much I miss Seattle and how I was forced out of there.

JK: Wasn't the opposite true? Didn't you whine and complain and sulk your way into a trade, and then would only accept a trade if it were to Cincinnati?

KGJ: Yes. And?

JK: Don't you see anything wrong with that?

KGJ: Nope, I'm a Superstar Professional Athlete. That means I can say and do pretty much whatever I want, and as long as I'm not linked with steroids or any criminal activity, there will be no consequences.

DB: That's veteran presence! Junior, I don't think there's a game tonight, let's go grab a bite to eat. Jack, we'll see you later.

Labels: baseball, Reds Theatre

... Sad Kermit.

Labels: movies

Labels: baseball

...Actually, so do I.

Labels: football

Because I know what I'll be doing:

Labels: ridiculousness

So for some reason the city is closed on Good Friday, so guess what? You get to suffer through this crap all afternoon. There are some issues this year: my laptop has passed away, so I'll have to pause on TiVo and run into the other room to post from the desktop.

3:03 - Karate Chimp is kinda awesome.

2:59 - It's halftime, Austin Peay 24-39 Texas. Peay has clawed a little back, but don't have a serious chance.

2:43 - I'm in Texas of course, so after a quick look at South Alabama 26-39 Butler, we're back to this crap. Austin Peay 10-27 Texas.

2:42 - They look in on UMBC 17-24 Georgetown. Will they stick with it?

2:37 - The game is in Little Rock, and the announcers claim the crowd is anti-Texas, though I haven't heard any evidence of it. Austin Peay 8-22 Texas. Pretty grim, and I have opened my book and started reading.

2:28 - It doesn't look good: Austin Peay 3-17 Texas.

2:25 - A Texas player shoots over the rim, and we get "airball" chants. I guess it's technically an airball, but it's still more impressive than falling short. We should limit the "airball" chant to only those shots. I think I may have found a wedge issue for Obama to use against McCain.

2:13 - Texas v. Austin Peay are playing now. I may lean on the fast-forward button, as this should not pose the Longhorns much trouble.

2:08 - Holy shit! WKU hits a three at the buzzer to win 101-98! Drake's handsome, marketable white men will unfortunately for CBS not be advancing.

2:06 - Back from the break as the Drake guy hits the other and the announcers seem to be openly rooting for the scrappy Drake team to win. Western Kentucky 98-99 Drake.

2:05 - I forgot to mention that one of Drake's stars is Klayton Korver, brother of the Jazz' shooter Kyle Korver. There are apparently two other brothers, both of whose names begin with a K. I dearly, dearly hope that one of them has a middle name with a "K", but probably not, alas.

2:04 - The "relentless" white Drake PG "never gives up" when he drives to the bucket and misses a terrible shot. Loose ball foul, Drake's guy hits one, tied at 98.

2:01 - WKU has a large Cameroonian forward named Boris who just hit two free throws. That was very "clutch", if you believe in that sort of thing. Western Kentucky 98-97 Drake.

1:58 - OT has been pretty boring until now. Western Kentucky 96-96 Drake.

1:50 - Here is Adam Morrison. So jealous.

1:48 - The announcers - including Ian Eagle, announcer of roughly 75% of the Bengals' games - just love the scrappy white PG, even as he misses a terrible shot to send the game into OT.

1:47 - Absolutely awful fucking call as WKU's A.J. Slaughter (great name) charges over Drake's scrappy white PG, Emmenecker. Tied at 88.

1:42 - WKU is losing it. Their PG turns it over on an absolutely awful no-look pass, and Drake's other black guy hits a deep three. Western Kentucky 86-85 Drake.

1:41 - Over to the Drake game, where it appears that Drake does have a couple token black guys, as one of the has a thunderous dunk. Western Kentucky 86-80 Drake, lead is 10% safe.

1:36 - And that's a final, Davidson 82-76 Gonzaga. Tennessee also pulled it out against American, 72-57.

1:33 - Curry hits two free throws, Davidson 81-74 Gonzaga. 88% safe. Nantz relates a story about how no ACC schools recruited Curry, and Roy Williams says "we missed on him". Well, here's the thing. He's a 6-3/185 shooting guard who looks smaller than that. If he had gone to an ACC school, they would have made him backup guard who only shot threes, rather than a featured scorer. It always irritates me when people talk about how much better this player or that player would have done on this or that team, when you have no fucking clue how he would have been used or how he would have developed. Would the Curry of *right now* be a great scorer on an ACC team? Obviously. But if Curry had gone to UNC or Duke or wherever and been on the bench right now, playing 10 minutes a night and only shooting threes be a great scorer? I'm guessing not.

1:31 - Oh for Christ's sake. Loose ball foul on Davidson, shooting two. 80% free throw-er misses the first and a goddamn lane violation kills the second. 27% safe now.

1:29 - Davidson player hits both free throws, but who cares? They show Adam Morrison, former Gonzaga star and NBA Lottery bust, in the stands, still with the pede-stache and with lovely, flowing, long hair. I am very jealous. Of the hair, not the Justin-esque creepy moustache. Davidson 79-74 Gonzaga, game over, even though the Bill James Lead Calculator says it's only 6% safe. That seems low.

1:28 - Gonzaga takes a rushed three by the wrong player (a freshman, and not that guy who was lights-out in the first half), fouled on the rebound. Same score, ballgame most likely over.

1:25 - Gonzaga ties it up, and finally has a good defensive possession, forcing a bad three as the shot clock is running down. Of course they can't come up with the rebound, and guess who the ball gets immediately kicked out to? Curry, who hits a wide-open three. Davidson 77-74 Gonzaga.

1:24 - Nantz informs me that not only is Gonzaga's coach a heathen Protestant, he's a Presbyterian minister. Davidson's affliation? You guessed it, Presbyterian. We're fucked. Packer relates a "hilarious" anecdote about the coach's father's Minnesota Vikings fandom, and how the sermons were pretty short when they played! Hilarious! Davidson 74-72 Gonzaga.

1:19 - Deadspin is running a much better live blog in case you're bored with me, and really there's no reason you should not be.

1:18 - Davidson 73-72 Gonzaga. Zags keep taking bad shots and are now playing a zone for some reason.

1:09 - Well, I have all meat at my house and nothing to eat tonight. Anyone reading this (ha!), post ideas as to what I should eat this evening.

1:08 - Dammit, Davidson 68-67 Gonzaga. Gonzaga is now taking bad shots. Curry has 24 (!) in the second half.

1:03 - Davidson's best player by a mile, Stephen (pronounced "Steffen") Curry has 32 after hitting a 3. Davidson 62-62 Gonzaga.

1:02 - They showed a close-up of the aforementioned long-haired, curly-headed dude, and he looks just like Danny Noonan from Caddyshack. Davidson 57-62 Gonzaga.

12:55 - American 40-50 Tennessee, and we switch back to Davidson 54-60 Gonzaga.

12:53 - American 40-48 Tennessee. Too bad, as Tennessee just has too much talent. Interestingly, Tennessee appears to be running the flex-motion offense, which I thought went out of style with the granny-shot free throw.

12:51 - They appear to be switching full-time to American 40-42 Tennessee, which is okay. I love the Lundquist/Raftery pairing. Lundquist has a great voice, and gets excited without going all Gus Johnson-over the top, which is just grating. I have no idea why Simmons loves him so much.

12:46 - They cut in on American 40-40 Tennessee coming back from a break. After all of Pearl's bitching about not getting a #1 seed I sincerely hope they lose.

12:37 - Packer keeps talking about "squaring up" when shooting a jumper as if it is some rare thing.

12:36 - Back from the half (I fast-forwarded through most of halftime), and I think Gonzaga has cornered the market on goofy-looking white guys. They've got a ginger, a long-haired curly-headed dude, and a stupid-tattoo and goatee.

12:20 - The half's almost over, and it's Western Kentucky 47-38 Drake. The announcer calls WKY the "pride of the Sun Belt". The Sun Belt has pride?

12:17 - We drop in on Drake during halftime, and we have a white-out! Drake has five white dudes on the floor. They're also losing.

12:13 - Halftime: Davidson 36-41 Gonzaga. Zags are definitely better than Davidson, but keep turning the ball over. Davidson is playing too fast and keep taking early, dumb shots, though. Good game.

12:07 - I've decided to irrationally hate Davidson's point guard, who just got fouled on a three. He's very frat-tastic.

11:53 - This dude Gray is lights-out from three. Hand in his face, no problem. Davidson 17-28 Gonzaga.

11:49 - Is Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother pretty desperate, or what?

11:48 - Another Drillbit Taylor commercial. This must have been during Owen's heroin period, because he looks just half-asleep in all his scenes. *sigh*

11:45 - They flash to the other games after a commercial, and we drop in on Drake v. Western Kentucky. It's funny, all the white guys (seriously, all) when picking brackets on Mr. Tony's show, said something to the effect of "love the Drake" when picking Drake, obviously referencing Seinfeld. The black guys who came on the show did not. I think Seinfeld should be featured on the awesome Stuff White People Like, if it hasn't already.

11:39 - Another bone to pick: Nantz was talking about Davidson's non-conference schedule, and they lost to UNC, Duke, and UCLA. Well, they lost to UCLA by 12 and Nantz said that was deceiving, as they at one point had them down 32-14 in the first half. What exactly is deceiving about a 30-point swing in the score? It seems to me that a reasonable person would conclude that UCLA took them too lightly and then adjusted and blew Davidson out.

11:37 - I love Billy Packer, but this is just dumb. They're talking about all of Davidson's international players, and Billy mentions how it's surprising that Canada has the most players in the NCAA's. How is that surprising? Here, let me lay it out for you, Billy:

1. Canada is right there above the USA.
2. In most countries, pro teams have youth teams that start paying players around their college age, making them ineligible for NCAA serfdom. Canada does not have this.
3. Basketball is a fairly popular sport in Canada
4. Again, Canada is right there above the USA.
   

11:36 - Back in high school CYO ball, the main goal (besides fighting through their hangovers to try to play at 8:30) was blocking a shot, which we called "packing". I'm reminded of this as a Davidson player just rejects a Gonzaga post player's shot. Alas, it bounces straight to Gonzaga's 3-point shooter, who drains one. Ha!

11:31 - This game is in Raleigh, which I'm confused about, as Davidson is from North Carolina and a lower seed than the Spokane-based Zags.

11:25 - And now we switch to Gonzaga v. Davidson, for some reason. Nantz and Packer doing the game. When you've got Jesuits versus the southern Protestant school, who do you think I'll be cheering for?

11:23 - American is hanging tough so far. I'll give Pearl credit, though, I like the way his teams play. The running, trapping, high scoring stuff I always dig, despite my objections to his cheesy persona.

11:20 - Bill Raftery's doing this game as well. I do like Raftery; he's got a little schtick, but it's not overpowering. He seems to have a brain at least as opposed to, say, Dick Vitale.

11:14 - We're getting American v. Tennessee first. Verne Lundquist is doing the game, and he's great. Not so great? Bruce Pearl. What a fucking clown.

11:00 - I imagine this is what Stephen looks like when he's at work, minus the goatee of course:



(Stolen from Cracked.)

10:57 - Mr. Tony is done for the day. Break until the games start.

10:52 - Did I mention how happy I was that blogtober ground to a halt?

10:46 - I think I liked The Duke on the old ESPN show better than Brendan. Brendan just does silly news that Tony can riff off of, whereas The Duke was just a perfect straight man for Tony, giving real news (okay, sports news anyway) that Tony can point out the absurdity of in opposition to the rest of the ESPN crew worshiping the news cycle and treating it as if it were Walter Cronkite talking about Vietnam or something. Which also may explain why the radio show is no longer on ESPN.

10:33 - Some writer friend of Tony's (okay, that doesn't exactly narrow it down, but I don't know who this guy is) is on talking about the Duke game last night. It always confuses people that I don't watch the games of teams I am a fan of. Well, first of all, I don't like caring about things I can't control. I get upset and stressed out, and over what? Some fucking game? There are real things that I can (and will) get upset over, so why add one more thing onto that fire?

10:26 - Oh Christ, fucking American Idol talk. Fast forward time. Oh, Andy doesn't like The Wire, but American Idol gets two big thumbs up. Go figure.

10:23 - I always skip through Brendan's live reads. Need more coffee.

10:22 - Shut up, Joe Barber. It was called Cloverfield, and it was good, you idiot.

10:21 - On the show is Joe Barber, and he's a terrible middlebrow, but I'm inclined to believe him about Drillbit Taylor. That looks like shit. I think Owen Wilson, in addition to needing a hug, needs a new manager. Or barring that, just to work with Wes Anderson full-time.

10:17 - As you may know, I'm 85% of an atheist, but that other 15% is Catholic. So I'm fasting today, and I will be cranky.

10:16 - Games start in an hour, so I'm drinking coffee and listening to today's Tony Kornheiser Show.

Labels: college basketball, live, Mr. Tony, TV

• First, a little crowing: Madieu Williams is no longer a Bengal, making Andy's dog's name (Madi) obsolete. I believe I predicted this.
• Oh, more crowing: I did enjoy Blogtober ending with a whimper.
  
• For about six hours, Shaun Rogers was a Bengal. Whoops, now he's a Brown. Why can't the city of Cincinnati have anything? More specifically, why can't *I* have anything? Seriously, whenever I start liking a team (Duke excepted) they suck. Example: I've been to roughly 100 Reds games (that's probably low, but it's an estimate). I think I've seen at least 70 losses. Seriously. And now that Dusty Baker is the manager, well...let's just say the outlook is not good. Look: Notre Dame sucks now, the Mavericks, Rangers, Bengals...any team I enjoy = suck.
• This was supposed to be Scrubs' last season, but now it's apparently not. This is only notable for one thing: it's possibly Zach Braff-less. Maybe I'm not cursed.
• The Wire is down to two episodes left. Now, my criticisms from earlier this year are still valid, but the show is still great. The media plot is ridiculous and heavy-handed, and I don't agree with its premise (Journalism, etc.), but it's proving dramatic.
  
• I don't really have anything else.
  

Labels: baseball, football, random, The Wire, TV

I have several opinions on the Super Bowl:

• Praise Allah, the city of Boston finally gets its comeuppance. First, they lose out on Johan Santana and now, their precious football team loses a game. Ha!
• On the other hand, the Patriots' whole bit is awesome. One big problem with modern-day sports is that no one wants to be a bad guy. The Patriots, on the other hand, go the other way. They unrepentantly cheat, they roid¹, their coach is a glorious asshole, they run up the score for no good reason...I can't help but love this team.
  
• On an unrelated topic: fuck you, Chad Johnson. If you want to get all the attention and fame when the team does well, don't be fucking shocked if you get the blame when it goes bad. Also, if you want out, fucking say so, don't act like a bitch and drop thinly-veiled comments on local radio and threaten to sit out the season through "sources". Grow up, asshole.

Footnotes
1. What happened to the Rodney Harrison story, BTW? If a Red Sox had tested positive, we'd never hear the end of it.

Labels: football