. . .

I think sometimes it seems like I wear a big sign that says, "Please fuck with me. I enjoy it." Rest assured, I do not.

I know that, to the outside observer, the person I see once or twice a decade, my little foibles are amusing. Hell, I understand. I can joke about it with my friends, and talk about it on this shitty blog. But what seems funny to you is what I like to call my "life." These are my actual reactions to things, not a bad improv sketch. I can't stress this enough: I really am this fucked up.

So please, from the bottom of my heart, stop fucking with me.

Thank you for your time.

Labels: TEG

Adam Dunn, as he is wont to do, hit a giant three-run home run to win the game yesterday. However, Dusty Baker, the Reds' manager, first asked him to sacrifice bunt the two runners over. Here's how I imagine that conversation going:

DB: [walking over to Dunn] Big man!

AD: [eating a hoagy] mmmmm. Hey Dusty. What's up?

DB: Look man, we're in a tight spot. We're down by one, it's the bottom of the ninth--

AD: [confused] It's the ninth inning? Man, time flies.

DB: [laughs] Big man, you're hilarious! Look, we need you to move the runners over.

AD: [opening bag of White Castles] Cool.

DB: I'm glad we're on the same page.

AD: [finishing White Castle #4] Yeah, I'm going to hit a homer.

DB: Nah, man, we need you to bunt the runners over. Manufacture runs! Old school!

AD: [eating White Castle #8] Hmmmmm? Bunt?

DB: Get them runners over!

AD: [confused] Me? Seriously? I'm 6-6, 275, I've only ever bunted twice in my entire life. I'm actually kinda unsure how to even hold the bat...[fumbles with bat] Like this?

DB: Fundamentals! Veterans! Manufacturing runs! Clogging the bases!

AD: [opening pizza box] Dusty, that doesn't even make sense. I mean, I can try, but I'm pretty sure we'd be better off if I just went up there and hit a homer. Shit, I've had 40 each of the past four years. That's a pretty long track record of success.

DB: That's why it's such a great strategy! They'll never see it coming!

AD: [finishes pizza] Well, okay, I'll give it a shot.

Labels: baseball, Reds Theatre

Jeff Keppinger, the Reds' "scrappy" shortstop, fouled a pitch off his kneecap and shattered it, putting him, and more importantly, my fantasy team, out for six weeks or so. He and Ken Griffey Jr. had a long talk yesterday, apparently. Here's how I imagine it going:

KGJ: [walking into training room] Hey Jeff, what's happening, man?

JK: [sitting on training table, leg in cast] Oh hey Ken. I broke my kneecap, remember?

KGJ: Yeah, I saw that...hey, man, you okay? You look a little down in the dumps.

JK: Well, I'm out for a couple months. I can't walk, much less play.

KGJ: So what? You get to sit at home and watch TV, then get better, and come back. What's the big deal?

JK: I might not have a job when I get back.

KGJ: Huh? How do you mean?

JK: I'm 27, it's only my third full year in the majors. I was never a prospect, and I don't have a long term contract. If Janish plays really well while I'm on the DL, I might be out of a job. Plus, I'm not exactly a natural shortstop, and I'm not a good enough hitter to play anywhere else but second base, and Brandon Phillips is there. So if I lose some mobility, I'm pretty much done as a major league baseball player.

KGJ: Hold up a second. You're telling me that you have some actual urgency to come back quickly from an injury?

JK: Uh...yeah.

KGJ: And you can't just rely on your natural athletic gifts, dazzling smile, and bloated reputation to coast by on a minimum of effort?

JK: Right.

KGJ: So you're going to work hard in rehabbing the injury, so you can come back at pretty much your old level?

JK: That's the plan.

KGJ: And you actually want to come back during the season, because -- let me get this straight, because I'm having a hard time following -- you might actually lose your job if you miss too much time?

JK: That pretty much sums up my situation.

KGJ: [bewildered, shaking his head] That sucks. I can't even fathom having to go through that. When I started getting older and my body began breaking down because I've never had to take care of myself and I never developed the discipline to work hard in the off-season to supplement my natural gifts, the team just kept giving me chances and cutting me a break. I had an eight-year contract, you know? They couldn't dump me because they'd have to cut a check for $100 million, and no other team wanted me because I kept getting injured, so here for the duration.

JK: Yeah, I know.

[Manager Dusty Baker walks in.]

DB: Junior! I've been looking all over for you! Oh, hey...Joe. What are you doing in here?

JK: I broke my kneecap in last night's game. And it's "Jeff".

DB: [pauses, looks confused] There was a game last night? Is this right, Junior?

KGJ: Yeah, we actually won. You kept texting me during the game.

DB: Oh yeah! Why didn't hit me back?

KGJ: I was in right field, man.

DB: Huh. Don't recall it at all. John, you ready to go tonight?

JK: "Jeff." I broke my kneecap, remember?

KGJ: Yeah Dusty, his damn leg is in a cast. And from what he's been telling me, he has actual urgency to get back quickly, because he might lose his job.

DB: He's probably right. I'm going to start Hairston for the time being. He's a veteran. He has a proven track record of success.

KGJ: [puzzled] You mean Jerry Hairston, Jr.? The journeyman with a .255 lifetime average? That's a proven track record of success?

DB: Hell yeah. He won't clog up the bases

JK: Guys, you're not helping. I'm still pretty depressed. I'd really just rather be alone.

DB: Keep your head up Jake! Junior, come into my office, we need to hang out.

KGJ: Dusty, man, you need to quit calling me. We can't get too close. Don't you know I'm trying to engineer a trade back to Seattle?

DB: [over-laughing] Junior, you're a cut-up!

KGJ: I'm serious. I'm having my agent plant stories in the media linking me to the Mariners, and I've been giving interviews about how much I miss Seattle and how I was forced out of there.

JK: Wasn't the opposite true? Didn't you whine and complain and sulk your way into a trade, and then would only accept a trade if it were to Cincinnati?

KGJ: Yes. And?

JK: Don't you see anything wrong with that?

KGJ: Nope, I'm a Superstar Professional Athlete. That means I can say and do pretty much whatever I want, and as long as I'm not linked with steroids or any criminal activity, there will be no consequences.

DB: That's veteran presence! Junior, I don't think there's a game tonight, let's go grab a bite to eat. Jack, we'll see you later.

Labels: baseball, Reds Theatre

... Sad Kermit.

Labels: movies