Saturday, September 30, 2006
Dumbass Bengal Update, and what you can do about it!
As you've probably heard, yet another Bengal was arrested this week. Unsurpisingly, it was Odell Thurman, getting a DUI and blowing a .17 the night after the win at Pittsburgh.
Oh yeah, Odell was already suspended for the first four games of the year for "violating the NFL's substance abuse policy," one of those wonderfully vague phrases that means so much and so little. (See also: players being suspended for "violating team rules", a press secretary saying "I can neither confirm nor deny that statement".) If it wasn't so hilarious it would be a shame.
There was a mugshot of Henry here, but I edited it out because a) it was too big and b) he's an ugly man.
On a brighter note, Bengals WR Chris Henry was in the car with Odell that night, and puked out the car window. Needless to say, Chris Henry is my favorite Bengal. His litany of stupid acts and utter disregard for his own career warms my heart every time I think about him. Look at what he's done over the past year or so:
I know what you're thinking -- Chris Henry is a dumbass, and as such he's going to wreck his career because he can't stop doing dumbass shit. That's obviously true, and that's why we, as Cincinnatians, Bengal fans, and appreciators of unintentional comedy, need to help keep Chris Henry -- and the rest of the Bengals -- on the straight and narrow. If you see Chris Henry and Odell Thurman out at a bar in the East End, take their keys and call them a cab, or give them a ride home. If you see Eric Steinbach driving his boat hammered, tell the boat cops you were driving -- take the hit for your team and city. Jump in front of Mattias Askew as he's about to get tasered for not moving his car -- sure, it'll hurt, but he won't be arrested, you will. Tell Frostee Rucker it might not be a good idea to punch his girlfriend in the face, or at least tell the cops it was you. Come on Cincinnati -- the establishment is united against our fun-loving, probably guilty, team. Let's get their collective backs.
Oh yeah, Odell was already suspended for the first four games of the year for "violating the NFL's substance abuse policy," one of those wonderfully vague phrases that means so much and so little. (See also: players being suspended for "violating team rules", a press secretary saying "I can neither confirm nor deny that statement".) If it wasn't so hilarious it would be a shame.
There was a mugshot of Henry here, but I edited it out because a) it was too big and b) he's an ugly man.
On a brighter note, Bengals WR Chris Henry was in the car with Odell that night, and puked out the car window. Needless to say, Chris Henry is my favorite Bengal. His litany of stupid acts and utter disregard for his own career warms my heart every time I think about him. Look at what he's done over the past year or so:
- Gotten a DUI,
- while carrying marijuana,
- and driving with an expired license;
- Bought a stolen gun,
- Waved said stolen gun around in a crowd of people outside a club, a crowd which included a cop;
- and (Allegedly) bought some alcohol for underage girls. Sixteen-year-old girls.
I know what you're thinking -- Chris Henry is a dumbass, and as such he's going to wreck his career because he can't stop doing dumbass shit. That's obviously true, and that's why we, as Cincinnatians, Bengal fans, and appreciators of unintentional comedy, need to help keep Chris Henry -- and the rest of the Bengals -- on the straight and narrow. If you see Chris Henry and Odell Thurman out at a bar in the East End, take their keys and call them a cab, or give them a ride home. If you see Eric Steinbach driving his boat hammered, tell the boat cops you were driving -- take the hit for your team and city. Jump in front of Mattias Askew as he's about to get tasered for not moving his car -- sure, it'll hurt, but he won't be arrested, you will. Tell Frostee Rucker it might not be a good idea to punch his girlfriend in the face, or at least tell the cops it was you. Come on Cincinnati -- the establishment is united against our fun-loving, probably guilty, team. Let's get their collective backs.
Labels: football
