. . .

So this irritated me...

2010-03-20T14:03:00.000-05:00

Education Secretary Arne Duncan: No Graduates, No Game for College Basketball

What a ridiculous load of grandstanding horseshit. How many objections can I have? Let's count!

The notion that the Secretary of Education even exists as a policy-making figure is unnecessary at best, very harmful at worst.
Even if we accept that the Secretary of Education is a necessary figure, why the fuck is he commenting on how individual schools run their sports programs?
Even if we accept that the Secretary of Education deems it necessary to comment on how individual schools run their sports programs, did he just wake up recently? Is he really surprised to see that the focus of major-college basketball programs isn't the education of the scholarship players?
Well, then, what would be the focus of major-college basketball programs? I'm guessing - and please, leave a comment if I'm off-base here - winning basketball games.
Okay, we can pretty much agree that the main focus of a major-college basketball program is winning games. So what do you need in order to win games? Good basketball players.
It follows naturally that good basketball players want to play professionally. Well, in order to play professional basketball in America, one has to play in college for at least one year first.
Just in case you didn't get #6, I'll rephrase: The only reason most good basketball players even attend college to begin with is because they're legally prevented from pursuing a professional basketball career in America without at least one year of college.
So to put a fine point on it, we'll just say that getting that required English credit out of the way isn't John Wall's (or whomever's) number one priority.
How did he come up with the figure of forty percent?
Does the world of college athletics need another self-righteous prick crowing about "student athletes"?

Philosophical question #1...

2010-02-06T14:59:00.000-06:00

So Das Boot is on Encore's rotation again. It's about 8,000 hours long, so even under normal conditions it would be impossible to watch straight through, but it's probably the tensest movie I've ever seen. If you haven't seen it (and I'm sure the four people who read this shitty blog haven't), it's the story of a German U-boat during World War II. It's tense for me in two ways:

It's on a submarine, so you've got 40+ dudes packed tightly into this leaky, tiny boat under water. There's no personal space, no real shower or anything, which freaks me out considerably.
The nature of submarine warfare itself. The U-boat is hunting convoys, which have large destroyers waiting for U-boats to attack (or at least show itself) so it can go after it with depth charges and guns. There's very little the sub can do except wait and hope the destroyers don't find it.

It's a war film. You want the people to follow to succeed; in this case, the U-boat to get to a safe port. But here's the thing: you're rooting for Germans during World War II. They're not Nazis, but still...thinking about it is an uncomfortable feeling. But, these men are in a near-impossible situation, under hellish conditions and you sympathize with them and root for them. And conversely, for the Allies to fail and, since this is war, to die. Obviously, I wouldn't have these feelings if the nations were reversed.

So my question is this: can one fight honorably for an evil cause? Look, when you're a German in World War II fighting on the offensive, even if you aren't a Nazi directly involved in the systematic genocide of Jews, you're fighting an offensive war that enables that genocide. Is it possible to remain politically neutral while serving an evil regime?

"Best of" lists...

2009-11-17T10:46:00.001-06:00

So this shitty, shitty decade is coming to a close, and as a result, plenty of my favorite review sites are releasing their best-of lists. And being a shameless follower, I was planning to write one of my own. Lately, however, I've been reconsidering. What would I really have to say? Are the four (maybe) people who read this shitty blog really going to be surprised that The Wire is first? Or that I like The Life Aquatic more than others? So what's really the point of doing the work? If you want me to post something, leave it in the comments. Otherwise, fuck it.

"Rated"-ness...

2009-10-01T20:10:00.003-05:00

When we say something is "underrated" or "overrated", what is it that we mean? Well, when we rate things, the "rating" we give them is particular to the person doing the rating; Andy hates Jackie Brown, whereas I love it, so I can say that he "underrates" Jackie Brown. But when we just throw out that, say, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is "underrated", who is doing the rating? There's not some sort of independent rating agency that establishes the worth of a piece of entertainment; art isn't baseball. I also don't believe in the "wisdom of crowds" nonsense that's popular these days. Look at Flickchart; I liked The Dark Knight as much as anyone, but can you really say that it's the best movie of all time? Or that The Professional is #20? Crowds are often dumb because people are often dumb; lumping them together doesn't (always) make their choices any smarter or better.

I guess my point is that "-rated" is another meaningless buzzword. Even my example of Andy "underrating" Jackie Brown is bullshit. He rates Jackie Brown exactly correct for him. To me, it seems like he's "underrating" it. (And he is, because he's wrong, but that's another post.)

Nothing.

2009-09-27T22:20:00.003-05:00

Nothing has happened in the seven months since I last posted. That's not entirely true. I bought (okay, leased) a new car. I drove to Cincinnati. I attended weddings and a funeral. I had a nice vacation.

Now what?

I guess this makes me feel a little better about the whole thing...

2009-02-24T21:49:00.000-06:00

Andy Richter to Rejoin Conan O'Brien as 'Tonight Show' Announcer

Filler post #8,238...

2009-02-22T12:31:00.003-06:00

For some reason, I can't seem to get anything out of my head and into this shitty blog for the past year or so. I broke my sole New Year's Resolution (well, the one I'll talk about here anyway), which was to write for an hour a day, just to see if I have any talent for this whatsoever. That one was busted on January 3. On the plus side, that's a new record. Christ, my last post took me two hours to write four short, unoriginal paragraphs about steroids and sports. What am I, Rick Reilly? So lately I've been putting up crap like this and this and this. So thanks to Will Leitch, here's another one, about my iTunes library:

Number of songs: 8,789
Number of albums: 862
Total length: 23 days, 6 hours, 6 minutes, 58 seconds
Total disk space: 33.04 GB

Most recently played song: "My Favorite Things", John Coltrane
Most played song: "'Charu's Theme' From Satyajit Ray's Film 'Charulata'", Satyajit Ray
Most recently added album: Blood Bank, Bon Iver

First song alphabetically: "'A' (morse)", The Conet Project
Last song alphabetically: "Zurich is Stained", Slanted & Enchanted / Pavement
First song numerically: "1-10 Announcement", The Conet Project
Last song numerically: "99 Year Blues", The Anthology of American Folk Music / Julius Daniel

Shortest song: "There's a Riot Goin' On", There's a Riot Goin' On / Sly & The Family Stone (0:04)
Longest song: "Bitches Brew", Bitches Brew / Miles Davis (27:00)

First album alphabetically: A.M. / Wilco
Last album alphabetically: Zen Arcade / Hüsker Dü
First album numerically: #1 Record/Radio City / Big Star
Last album numerically: 89/93: An Anthology / Uncle Tupelo

First artist alphabetically: Aaliyah
Last artist alphabetically: Zoot Sims
First band alphabetically: The Aardvarks
Last band alphabetically: The Zombies

First twenty-five songs on shuffle:
"The Precious Jewel" / The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
"Sign O' the Times" / Prince
"I'm a Loser" / The Beatles
"Inn Town" / Whiskeytown
"Two" / Ryan Adams
"I Would Die 4 U" / Prince
"Tonight, I'll Be Staying Here With You" / Bob Dylan & The Rolling Thunder Review
"Thank You Friends" / Big Star
"Powerline" / Hüsker Dü
"Love Is Plentiful" / The Staple Singers
"The Wind Cries Mary" / Jimi Hendrix
"Why Me Lord?" / Johnny Cash
"Willie Nelson [insert 2]" / Miles Davis
"Parting of the Sensory" / Modest Mouse
"K.O.S. (Determination)" / Black Star
"Life on a Chain" / Pete Yorn
"Absynthe" / The Gits
"Walking in Memphis" / Marc Cohn
"Sample Count" / The Conet Project
"My Brilliant Feat" / Colin Hay
"Nothing Compares 2 U" / Sinéad O'Connor
"Hard Luck Woman" / Kiss
"Christmas Time Is Here" / Vince Guaraldi Trio
"The Upper Peninsula" / Sufjan Stevens
"There She Goes" / The La's
"Sara Smile" / Hall & Oates

A-Rod, Barry Bonds, steroids, professional sports, etc...

2009-02-08T12:09:00.006-06:00

I was shocked, shocked, I tell you, to hear that a professional athlete competing at the highest level possible with millions of dollars at stake, would dare use a sort-of-illegal substance to gain a theoretical edge over his opponents. In my view, the only thing we can fault A-Rod for is being dumb enough to continue using detectable substances when he knew a test was coming.¹

The tests were supposed to remain confidential, but were seized by your federal government as part of its $55 million prosecution of Barry Bonds for "lying" about using a legal substance. The absurd persecution of the greatest baseball player since Willie Mays has led the prosecutors to raid the home and threaten prosecution of the relatives of ancillary figures in the case.²

The story that is being conveniently ignored is former Cincinnatian Dana Stubblefield "cooperating" with the BALCO case, apparently naming fellow NFLers who also used. Like with Bonds and A-Rod, I don't really have any sort of problem with Stubblefield using, but I think the sports world's relative silence on this matter is interesting. Other NFL drug weirdness:

Star OLB Shawne Merriman gets suspended for four games for steroids. The silence of NFL writers is deafening, especially that of noted moralist Peter King, whose columns are regularly filled with rhetoric decrying Bonds, Clemens, and other baseball steroid users.
Luis Castillo uses steroids before the 2005 draft combine, is caught before the draft, and is still picked in the first round. Last year, he was on the cover of the Spanish-language Madden 08.
There's more public concern over the Patriots' videotaping "cheating" than their continued employment of steroid user Rodney Harrison.

Why the free pass? After all, if we're just considering the effects of steroids -- increased muscle mass, ability to train longer and harder, and increased healing -- wouldn't they be far more useful in football than baseball? If Shawne Merriman is 6-4/270 and run a 4.6, he's most likely going to be a star if he has a modicum of football talent, but if you can't hit the ball or throw a strike, it doesn't matter how fast you are or how much you can bench.³ I think that it's because football has become less a sport than America's favorite soap opera, and the athletes are more actors than anything else, and everything is disposed of after the season; baseball is almost mythic, instant history. I have no proof for this, of course, other than my own probably unoriginal conjectures, but it does concern me. It should concern you too.

Footnotes:
1. Interestingly (to me at least) is that this story is being reported on by noted moralist Selena Roberts, a reporter best known for buying in full-scale to the Duke Lacrosse rape fraud. I'm not doubting her reportage on this matter, but I'm not sure how someone who was so stunningly wrong on a major story can maintain any sort of crediblity.
2. As always with these things, I'm reminded of a quote by P.J. O'Rourke: "Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
3. The career of Glenn Braggs is an instructive example.

Movies of my life...

2009-01-18T11:49:00.003-06:00

1980 - The Empire Strikes Back
1981 - Stripes
1982 - Fitzcarraldo
1983 - The Right Stuff
1984 - The Karate Kid
1985 - Rocky IV
1986 - Hannah and Her Sisters
1987 - Lethal Weapon
1988 - Die Hard
1989 - Major League
1990 - Goodfellas
1991 - Terminator 2: Judgment Day
1992 - Under Siege
1993 - Dazed and Confused
1994 - Pulp Fiction
1995 - Kicking and Screaming
1996 - Beautiful Girls
1997 - Boogie Nights
1998 - The Big Lebowski
1999 - Three Kings
2000 - High Fidelity
2001 - The Royal Tenenbaums
2002 - City of God
2003 - All the Real Girls
2004 - Kill Bill: Vol. 2
2005 - The 40 Year Old Virgin
2006 - Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
2007 - Zodiac
2008 - The Dark Knight

TV in 2008...

2009-01-02T19:19:00.003-06:00

As awful a year as 2008 was in most respects, TV was a rare bright spot. Some thoughts:

The Shield was the best show on TV this year. I've had my doubts about the show before, specifically in the show's attitude towards Vic. Any show/movie/book that has an evil main character runs the risk of over-glamorizing that character.¹ Just look at the cult that's surrounded Tony Montana of Scarface.² Vic is a bad cop and thoroughly evil person, but since he's funny, charismatic, and his adversaries (Claudette, Dutch, Aceveda, etc.) aren't sympathetic, a good portion of the audience ends up rooting for Vic to succeed. Anyway, The Shield's season finale, where Claudette lays out Shane's confession and the crime scene photos for Vic to see, at least let me know where the show itself stood on Vic's behavior, even if that probably didn't convince any of the show's less thoughtful viewers.
Mad Men, if you've never seen it but are considering watching it, is not for everyone. Remember how The Sopranos got towards the end of its run, with a lot of atmosphere and not much plot? Remember how there were still enough mob drama elements in it that it kept the casuals teased that something more was coming³? Mad Men is like that. Very little happening, but everything happening, if that makes sense.
The Office:
- - I really hate Jim. At the beginning, he had that emo-boy, unrequited love thing with Pam that made him pretty sympathetic, but now he's just a smug asshole, and has a completely unearned superiority complex over the rest of his coworkers. However, the show recognizes this and comments on it.⁴. Jim isn't awesome; he's a deeply flawed person, as opposed to a sitcom character.⁵
  - That's something I really like about this show – its willingness to let its characters be mediocre. In most other sitcoms⁶, when Pam went off to “art school”, she would have passed with flying colors. Instead, she straight-up flunked out and came crawling back to Scranton, her terrible receptionist job, and a married life with Jim in Jim's parents' house. The look on her face in that scene as she came to grips with her failure was sad and wonderful at the same time.
  - Michael, well really, Steve Carell holds this show together. I'm just in awe of his performance at times. If he ever leaves, they should just shut the show down, because no other actor could carry this thing.
  Footnotes:
  
  1. The reverse – “good” characters being hated by the audience – can also be a problem. The Jedi in various incarnations of the Star Wars universe are generally lame, forcing me to cheer for Darth Vader and the Emperor, and for George Lucas to turn Darth Vader into a irritating, lovesick little bitch in the prequels. Another example would be me rooting for that crackhead to kill David in that episode of Six Feet Under, or more precisely, for anything to happen.
  
  2. The Sopranos' creators noticed this problem but tried to solve it by making the entire show unwatchable for the last three seasons. Mission accomplished.
  
  3. Remember all the hilarious, hysterical speculation about how the finale was going to be so incredible, and then nothing happened? That was awesome.
  
  4. See the fake survey Kelly wrote up in “Customer Survey”, and also cokehead Ryan's criticisms of Jim when he was trying to force him out last season.
  
  5. Which he is, of course, but you know what I mean.
  
  6. Example: in How I Met Your Mother, how Ted is apparently some superstar architect, when he's really just an annoying douche.

My best of 2008...

2009-01-01T08:36:00.001-06:00

Explanations may come later. Note that this list is made up of things I saw/read in 2008, as opposed things that were released in 2008.

Movies
1. The Dark Knight
2. There Will Be Blood
3. The Rules of the Game
4. In Bruges
5. Once
6. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
7. Pineapple Express

Honorable Mentions:
Into the Wild, The King of Kong, Rescue Dawn, Rififi, Son of Rambow

Television
1. The Shield
2. Generation Kill
3. Mad Men
4. The Wire
5. The Office
6. Battlestar Galactica
7. Spaced

Honorable Mentions:
30 Rock, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Carrier, Dexter, How I Met Your Mother, My Boys

Music
1. Stay Positive / The Hold Steady
2. Brighter Than Creation's Dark / Drive-By Truckers

Books
1. Tree of Smoke / Denis Johnson
2. Watchmen / Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons
3. Stalingrad / Antony Beevor
4. Game of Thrones / George R.R. Martin
5. Downtown Owl / Chuck Klosterman

Honorable Mentions:
Too many to list; see my Goodreads page.

Xmas...

2008-12-21T09:48:00.001-06:00

I'll be in the Cincinnati area from the 22nd until the morning of the 26th.

My xmas list...

2008-12-14T21:51:00.003-06:00

Don't know what to buy for the fat, depressed bachelor casting a dark cloud over your life? As long as you expect nothing in return except my barely concealed contempt, here's a list of things I'd like this Xmas:

A nice iPod dock/speaker system
A new quilt, preferably flannel
A tobacco pipe
Kindle
HD TiVo
MacBook Air
BMW 325i sedan in black or dark blue
Tickets to this
Oh, and that guy to make a good movie again
Owen Wilson to retire from acting except for Wes Anderson's films
Bill Murray to start feeling better about himself
New episodes of The Shield and The Wire
A shitload of money

The worst television show of all time?

2008-12-06T14:18:00.000-06:00

When I can't sleep, I get up and channel surf in the dark until I get sleepy, which usually takes about an 45 minutes to an hour. I like to linger on the Weather Channel, especially the local weather on the 8's. The combination of elevator music, bland graphics, and computerized narration is a sure thing.¹ C-SPAN is also nice, especially when they're interviewing a writer who has little to say. But mostly I just flip around.

Sometimes, though, if I'm particularly unlucky, I will catch one of Nick at Nite's marathons. When Nick at Nite first started, they played old TV shows that could reasonably be considered classic - I Love Lucy, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, etc. In the last few years, however, they've moved pretty solely to more recent family sitcoms of rather dubious quality²: Home Improvement, Full House, The George Lopez Show, and the big one: Family Matters.

If I'm unlucky enough to be flipping around and land on a Family Matters block, any idea I had of falling asleep is over. I simply cannot turn away from this show. I sit on my couch, agape and shocked at the bizarre dreadfulness that coming from my television screen and boring its way into my consciousness. I contemplate just how something this irredeemably awful can be produced for 215 episodes³ over nine seasons⁴. Who watches this unironically? Why is it still in syndication, ten years after it was mercifully cancelled? Is Family Matters the worst show of all time? I think so. Consider some of the show's crimes against humanity:

A show that is ostensibly about a family that shifts its focus almost entirely to a minor character: that handsome young man pictured above, one Steve Urkel. As a result, a majority of the episodes featured this nerd doing nerdy things, such as taking pratfalls and breaking things. Once these were done over and over and over again, Urkel was changed from just a regular nerd into possibly the smartest person who ever existed:
He created the "Urkelbot", a sentient robot that eventually became a police officer.
He created the Transformation Chamber, which crossed his and Carl's genes with Bruce Lee once, leading to perhaps the worst fight scene in history.⁵
Urkel's most important invention, however, was "Boss Sauce", which at first just transformed Steve into Stefan Urquelle, a smooth alter ego of Steve. Steve eventually cloned Stefan, who fell in love with Laura Winslow.
One episode featured Eddie, the Winslow son, dumping Urkel as his partner in a 2-on-2 basketball tournament. The notion of uber-nerd Urkel being good at basketball is ridiculous enough, but Urkel, as revenge, gets as his new partner "Grandmama" from Larry Johnson's Converse commercials. "Grandmama" was not introduced or presented as Larry Johnson, only as "Grandmama". Taking that at face value⁶, that means that Family Matters, Perfect Strangers, Full House, Step by Step, and Boy Meets World, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Clueless, Moesha, and Hangin' with Mr. Cooper⁷ all exist in the same fictional universe as a series of Converse commercials.

I could go on and on, but I'm getting a headache just thinking about this show.

Footnotes:
1. Well, 99% of the time. They have this show which postulates the death and destruction caused by hypothetical weather events. Once I happened to catch the one about a tornado hitting downtown Dallas, which freaked me out.
2. And also The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which is of course great.
3. !
4. !!
5. See Urkel's Wikipedia page for other inventions.
6. i.e., "Grandmama" exists as an actual old woman who is awesome at basketball and also a Converse shoes enthusiast
7. See the Wikipedia page for direct crossovers. Note that Full House once crossed over with Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, Boy Meets World crossed over with Sabrina, and Sabrina crossed over with Clueless and Moesha. (See Poobala.com for all your TV crossover needs.)

Negative post...

2008-09-01T20:25:00.001-05:00

...as I do have problems with the show, beyond the ones I've already outlined:

Ted is a terrible character. He's a self-righteous, annoying douche and I just don't get why the other characters fawn all over him. He's the Poochie of this show.
Anyone who's seen Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, Knocked Up, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall knows Jason Segel is just wasted playing a straight man. It does make his occasional freakouts much more effective, but it's kind of like using Albert Pujols as a late-inning pinch hitter.

After seeing Semi-Pro, Will Ferrell is dead to me¹. It seems like instead of having an actual story, the entire film was based off the poster.
One of Chuck Klosterman's pet theories is that everyone has (or needs) a nemesis² and an arch-enemy. My arch-enemy is Roy Oswalt. He's started 25 games against the Reds and he's now 22-1. What the fuck? Even the Pirates, who have been worse than the Reds over his career, have a decent record against him: "only" 11-6. Plus he has the same birthday as me. Prick.
Speaking of birthdays, I'm now 28. I don't know what to think about this.³
Christ, I'm sick of the election already⁴, and there's still two months left⁵. Some thoughts:

I'm not voting for John McCain, and I cannot fathom why anyone else would, other than the "R" that's next to his name. We're talking about a fucking Keating Five member here, people.
I'm also not voting for Barack Obama. He gives a good speech, but does anyone have any sort of clue what he stands for? As far as I can tell -- and it's not like he's been clear on the topic, the man seems only to speak in broad generalities -- the only sort of "change" he wants to bring is a reversion to '60s and '70s-style left-Democrat policies.
No mainstream candidate is ever going to be acceptable to me. P.J. O'Rourke once said that no Libertarian will achieve success in the mainstream, since they tell you what they won't do for you (less government, etc.), whereas every other politician tells you what they will do for you.
I briefly considered writing in Andy, but alas, he's too young to be President.
So I guess I won't be voting at all this fall.

I mentioned my love of continuity in the other post. Two examples where continuity killed my interest in a show:

Yes, I loved Beverly Hills 90210. One season, they ended with a cliffhanger where Brandon and Valerie⁶ were making out. The next season opener they had some brief aside between the two where they basically laughed it off, which was cheap, but fine, really, because as Brenda's direct replacement as Brandon's sister, it never made sense to romantically pair off Brandon and Valerie. But a couple seasons later, Valerie and Kelly (Valerie's arch-enemy) were both sick with the flu (or something), sequestered in the old Walsh house, and arguing, and Valerie told Kelly the reason she doesn't like her. Well, they do a whole flashback to right after the cliffhanger, and in the new flashback, Kelly comes over right when Valerie and Brandon are about to do it, "ruining Valerie's shot with Brandon" as she put it. Well, that's not really what happened, as I well know.
In King of the Hill, they established that Hank looks like and has the personality of his mother, which is the basic reason Cotton never really liked Hank. But then Cotton goes to Japan⁷ in a later season, and they meet Cotton's illegitimate son, which makes him Hank's half-brother from his dad's side -- none of Hank's mom's genes. So of course, he looks and acts just like Hank, which I know can't happen since, again, none of Hank's genes.
The point is, if I can pay attention to all this shit, is it really too much to ask of the writers to do the same?

Footnotes:

It's very tough breaking up with someone you once loved. I mean, I loved Anchorman and especially Talladega Nights, and he has to go and do this and Blades of Glory to me. Why, Will Ferrell, why?
A nemesis is basically a friendly rival; think Larry Bird and Magic Johnson.
That's not entirely true.
That's not true either -- I've been sick of it since it started.
As long as we don't have another 2000-esque freakout.
i.e., slutty Kelly Kapowski.
Cotton "killed fitty men," remember?

Positive post...

2008-08-24T12:38:00.000-05:00

I still can't think of anything substantive to write about, so what I'm going to do is write up two posts, one positive (and probably shorter), the other negative. I'm sure you'll get the idea.

Holla! Bengals resign my favorite player, the awesomely stupid WR Chris Henry, and all the whitebread moralists predictably blow a fuse. The best headline was this: "Bengals take Henry back...all it cost was their souls". "Souls"...what a fucking joke. If they (or any American professional sports team) had a soul, they wouldn't have raped a dying city out of a $400 million stadium that's used 15 times a year and is a blight on the skyline.¹
The McRib is back.
Stephen and I had two man-dates, seeing The Dark Knight and Pineapple Express. Loved them both!

I hate superheroes. Superman bores the shit out of me; rooting for him is like rooting for a hurricane. Spiderman is a complete douche. Iron Man is only good because Robert Downey, Jr. is so great. The X-Men are okay, because at least they have flaws. Batman, though...he just seems realer. Well, this version of Batman, anyway. The whole thing is just perfect, the right director, the right Batman, the right supporting cast.²
Okay, it's probably not surprising that I loved Pineapple Express. The math is simple: The Judd Apatow crew + weed jokes + '80s action movies + David Gordon Green = TG likes the movie.

You're probably not watching Generation Kill³, and if you aren't, don't wait for the DVDs to come out, get on BitTorrent and download it now. I'm serious about this. It's the best thing on TV this year. As opposed to every other bullshit Iraq movie⁴, it doesn't talk down to you and the only real stance it takes is anti-war and pro-troops (which is basically where I'm at). The guys who did The Wire⁵, David Simon and Ed Burns, are doing this, and it's just as good. Oh, go to your local library and get the book it was based on, too.
Since my social life is virtually nil, I've been reading a lot. And since I'm a giant nerd, I keep track of what I read here.
I've finally been beaten down by Ryan and Andy into watching How I Met Your Mother. It's a good show, and I'm glad I started watching it. Points:

I am shocked -- repeat, shocked -- that Neil Patrick Harris is as funny as he is. Who would have ever thought (pre-Harold and Kumar, of course) that Doogie Howser, MD could be this awesome? He single-handedly carries this show.
As always, I am impressed with attention to continuity.⁶ Second to NPH, this is the show's biggest positive.
Robin's character is pretty great too. Besides being hot, she's also a clever gender-reversal, not giving a shit about relationships or getting married, but not turning into a slut caricature.
That doesn't mean it's all good...⁷

Footnotes

This one kind of turned into a negative, didn't it?
Speaking of Christian Bale, go rent Werner Herzog's Rescue Dawn. Oh, and the documentary it was based on, Little Dieter Needs to Fly.
Actually, you probably are, since the only person who reads this terrible blog is me, and I'm obviously watching.
Probably starring John Cusack. What a douche he turned into. Hey asshole, leave your irritating political viewpoints to yourself and make another funny movie. But what can we expect from a fucking Cubs fan?
Which, despite what Andy may believe, is the greatest show of all time.
Lack of attention to continuity is one of my biggest TV pet peeves. More on this in the negative post.
This is where you go to the negative post. I'm not done with it yet, and I'm not really done with this one yet. I may add to it, but I have to get ready for work now. (Quit complaining, this shit is free. Oh, and terrible.)

The albums of my life...

2008-08-14T22:09:00.001-05:00

I've seen this on a few blogs I read, and since I honestly can't come up with literally anything to write about lately, here are my favorite albums released in all the years I've been born...

1980 - Remain in Light / Talking Heads
1981 - Private Eyes / Daryl Hall & John Oates
1982 - Thriller / Michael Jackson
1983 - 1999 / Prince
1984 - Purple Rain / Prince and the Revolution
1985 - Tim / The Replacements
1986 - Guitar Town / Steve Earle
1987 - Appetite For Destruction / Guns N' Roses
1988 - Straight Outta Compton / N.W.A.
1989 - Disintegration / The Cure
1990 - No Depression / Uncle Tupelo
1991 - Nevermind / Nirvana
1992 - Slanted and Enchanted / Pavement
1993 - Anodyne / Uncle Tupelo
1994 - Unplugged in New York / Nirvana
1995 - Tomorrow the Green Grass / The Jayhawks
1996 - Being There / Wilco
1997 - OK Computer / Radiohead
1998 - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea / Neutral Milk Hotel
1999 - Things Fall Apart / The Roots
2000 - Stankonia / Outkast
2001 - Is This It? / The Strokes
2002 - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot / Wilco
2003 - Chutes Too Narrow / The Shins
2004 - Funeral / The Arcade Fire
2005 - Picaresque / The Decemberists
2006 - The Life Pursuit / Belle and Sebastian
2007 - Sound of Silver / LCD Soundsystem
2008 - Stay Positive / The Hold Steady

That was harder than it looked. There are some years (1980-1, 1990-1, 1997) where I was just lost looking for something I even liked. (Thus, Radiohead, who I normally can't stand.)

Dusty Baker's lineup...

2008-06-14T10:13:00.000-05:00

Dusty Baker just will not stop playing Corey Patterson, even though he's hitting a cool .195 this year. Like most Reds fans, I'm wondering how this happens. Here's what I imagine...

[Dusty Baker is in his office, door closed, pacing.]

DB: I'm in a quandry! Who do I play in Center Field? [Turns toward large mirror in corner of office] What do I do, Mirror?

[An image of Dusty in full uniform appears in the mirror]

Mirror Dusty: [over-laughing] Dusty! You handsome son of a bitch! What's going on!

DB: I just can't figure out what to do!

MD: What? You got this shit on lock down! You're Dusty Baker!

DB: The team is sinking fast, Mirror. My shortstops keep disappearing on me. Junior won't return my calls. Now I can't figure out who to play in center.

MD: [looks confused] That is a tough one, Dusty. Well, who's the fastest guy on the team?

DB: Well, Corey Patterson, I guess.

MD: There you go! Your fastest player plays center field, everyone knows that!

DB: Yeah! You're right, Mirror! That's one problem down. Okay, let's put the lineup together...who hits first?

MD: Your center fielder! Those are the rules!

DB: [doubtful] You sure, Mirror? He's only hitting .195, and rarely walks. Wouldn't a more logical move be to place the player with the higher on-base-percentage first, so that someone is on base when the big hitters come up later in the order?

MD: On-what-percentage? Come on, man you don't want anyone clogging up the bases! Play Patterson!

DB: [wavering] Mirror, I don't know...

MD: Have I ever failed you before? Who told you to keep wearing wristbands even though you don't do anything that makes you sweat?

DB: [sheepishly] You did.

MD: And who told you to play Neifi Perez at shortstop with the Cubs?

DB: You did.

MD: And who told you to ride Kerry Wood and Mark Prior into straight into the ground, ruining their careers?

DB: That's right, you did!

MD: And Marvin L. Bernard? He was just an below-average Giants farmhand before I came along. Now he's your butler! Did you ever dream you could have a butler?

DB: [excited] That was you, Mirror!

MD: Hell yeah it was! Now get those sweatbands on and get out there, the game started ten minutes ago.

DB: [over-laughing]

MD: [over-laughing]

How many different groups can Mike Myers offend?

2008-06-11T22:01:00.003-05:00

...I'm going to count:

Hindus - The most obvious group, as their religion is being raped for the sake of "comedy" and a bad karma pun.
Indians - His "character" uses a stereotypical Indian accent; he sounds like a bad Apu impression.
Gurus - I know the damage control is saying that Myers is making fun of phony Westerners selling Eastern religion as self-help, but there actually are gurus in the Hindu religion who actually help people.
Little people - I don't know, obviously, but I'm guessing Verne Troyer is considered a sellout among the little people community. The asshole just can't stop selling out his condition for the laughs of the full-size community. And for the love of God, please, Mike Myers, just put him down. We get it, Mike -- he's little.
French-Canadians - Justin Timberlake plays some sort of stereotypical French-Canadian, thus continuing the grand Canadian tradition of Quebecois oppression.
Other stereotypically swarthy cultures - I actually wasn't sure what ethnicity Timberlake's character was, so it's clearly offensive to all.
Romany Malco - He's the black guy in the left-hand corner, and is a wonderfully talented comedic performer (see The 40-Year-Old Virgin). Not only does he have to be associated with this mess, he doesn't even get his name on the poster.
The Toronto Maple Leafs - I'm guessing they're regretting allowing their involvement.
Jessica Alba's newborn child - I will assume that Jessica Alba has no shame, given her main talent lies in clearly posed bikini paparazzi shots on some beach somewhere, but her poor child now has to live with this the rest of its life.
Sunflowers - The sunflower is a noble plant. Its seeds, when roasted and salted, provide one of my favorite snacks. There's a nice Van Gogh painting of sunflowers. Why Mike Myers feels the need to ruin that for me too, I can't figure out.
The letter "o" - What graphic designer said, you know what? The letter "o" kinda sucks. Every damn movie has an "o". What we need is a poorly drawn cartoon of Mike Myers' character replacing that bullshit letter!
The audience - Does he and the studio really think this is funny?
Most of all, me.

Boring, tiresome rehashes of events in my life...

2008-06-09T20:18:00.004-05:00

So I had a busy few weeks.
In late April, I had a root canal. Yes, I am 27 years old. It really wasn't bad aside from having my jaw pried open for an hour.
Then I went to Las Vegas for Justin's bachelor party. Several observations:

On the plane coming in, when the pilot announced the final approach to Vegas, a woman a few rows in front of me said "Wooooo! We're going to Vegas!! Git 'r done!"¹ ² I am not exaggerating a word of this.
Justin for some reason had come in a day before everyone else. He told me he lost $500. I said, "Oh shit, on what?" He told me that he physically lost a $500 chip, as opposed to being down $500.
Lyle and Nic were able to come up from Phoenix to join us. It was Nic's final weekend before joining the Navy, so they were ready to party. Which we did.
Lyle had a party mishap on Saturday night³, leaving it up to Ryan and I to get Nic on a plane back to Phoenix on time so he could meet his recruiter. That was a very odd morning. We took him to lunch and he was getting worried about the whole Navy deal. I walked him to the cabstand and it was...hard to explain, sort of like sending a kid away, which is even stranger since Nic is older than I am.⁴
Sunday night Justin, Ryan, and I wore our suits out and saw Penn and Teller and had a very nice meal, and then gambled. I very much enjoy wearing a suit. I think I don't do it enough.
Justin left Monday afternoon for some reason, leaving Ryan and I to stare at each other the rest of the day. Okay, it wasn't that bad. Ryan and I enjoy each other's company (I think), we just don't do it enough.
It should probably go without saying that Vegas is not my thing. I am glad that I went, because a) I now know that I'm not really missing anything, and b) despite my monkish, solitary tendencies⁵, I really do enjoy spending time with my friends, however few they may be.⁶

The next weekend was Andy and Amy's wedding. Several observations:

I got some great, great news on Tuesday: my dad broke his foot and needed surgery, thus preventing him from traveling. Okay, I know what you're thinking: this isn't good news, it's bad news. Keep reading, though: he was going to stay with me the whole weekend.

We had the bachelor party on the Thursday before. It was about what you'd expect. For some reason I can't figure out, I got completely wrecked at Tim's bachelor party last year⁷, but not at this one.
My brother was in town, of course⁸. His rugby team was in some sort of alleged playoffs, so he was aping hockey players and not shaving until they were over, so he had a ridiculous beard the whole weekend. The upside of this was that it gave everyone ample opportunity to make beard jokes.⁹
The trained chimps who work at Tuxedo Junction didn't exactly measure me correctly, so my pants were a little too big and my sleeves a little too long.
The wedding was a wedding, about what you'd expect.

The Friday after that, I had more dental work done: wisdom teeth removal. Very few problems with that, and I was lucky enough to have my Aunt there to take care of me.
The Friday after *that*, I went back to Cincinnati for Justin and Sarah's wedding¹⁰. Several observations:

So something that I thought might happen over this weekend ended up not happening, which I found out before I left, but that was okay.
I flew into Louisville, rented a car¹¹ and drove up from there. This wouldn't be so bad, but it was raining the entire way and freaking me the hell out. For some reason, I had to pick up my tuxedo at Tri-County Mall, which is in the northern part of the city. Louisville, obviously, is to the southwest, meaning I had to fight traffic the whole length of the city, which was awesome.
Ryan and Ann were kind enough to let me stay at their house for the weekend, and Ryan was kind enough to drive me around. I had a very nice time with them.
The wedding was a wedding, about what you'd expect.

Memorial Day week was uneventful, but I did buy a manual typewriter on eBay, for some reason.
I also decided to sell my XBOX 360. I'll be putting it up on eBay relatively soon, but I will consider offers before then. Shoot me an email if you're interested.
The following Thursday, the tooth I had a root canal on was fitted for a cap, which meant my jaw was pried open for another hour. I'm so sick of the fucking dentist.
The next day I drove with my Aunt and Uncle (and Grandfather) to Jackson, Mississippi for my cousin Sam's wedding. Several observations:

This was my first long car trip in a while.
Jackson...pretty much what you'd expect.¹²
My brother came, and he has cut his beard. But not his hair, and he was sporting a headband for much of the weekend, which made him look like a blonde Richie Tenenbaum.
The wedding was a wedding, about what you'd expect.¹³

It's now June. I am hot. Very, very hot. I am sick of this goddamn weather already and there's still three months of this shit left.

Footnotes

Jesus fucking Christ. It's been six weeks since this fucking trip and I'm still pissed off about this. It's bad enough that Texas has this idiot cowboy stereotype, but do we have to live up to it? Goddamnit, even thinking about just irritates the hell out of me.
By the way, will Larry the Cable Guy just fucking go away already? I know Larry the Cable Guy hatred is not a particularly groundbreaking opinion to have, but I hold it nonetheless.
I'm not going to get into the not-so-sordid details of our partying. If you know any of us, you probably can guess what happened.
If anyone has any Nic updates, please post them in the comments.
Jesus, that's like the understatement of the year.
For an alternate picture of our weekend, check out Ryan's blog.
Worst hangover of my entire life. I puked three times at the hotel, and just laid in bed with the lights off for about four hours.
He stayed at Stephen's house with our cousin Michael. I can only imagine what that house smelled like after: probably a mixture of vomit, bong water, and body odor.
Stephen took the crown with his nickname "Boxcar Joe".
I always mistype "weeding" when I mean "wedding", but not the other way, strangely.
A Nissan Rogue. Don't buy one.
One little anecdote illustrating my lack of enthusiasm for Jackson: the wedding was held at the Catholic Cathedral for the state of Mississippi (the diocese of Jackson covers the whole state). The entire thing could fit into the Catholic church in the town I'm in. Yeah...they don't care for us papists down there.
I'm clearly losing steam at this point. I'm sorry, I just don't have it any more, I guess.

A heartfelt plea...

2008-05-28T20:32:00.002-05:00

I think sometimes it seems like I wear a big sign that says, "Please fuck with me. I enjoy it." Rest assured, I do not.

I know that, to the outside observer, the person I see once or twice a decade, my little foibles are amusing. Hell, I understand. I can joke about it with my friends, and talk about it on this shitty blog. But what seems funny to you is what I like to call my "life." These are my actual reactions to things, not a bad improv sketch. I can't stress this enough: I really am this fucked up.

So please, from the bottom of my heart, stop fucking with me.

Thank you for your time.

Dusty Baker and Adam Dunn...

2008-05-18T11:11:00.002-05:00

Adam Dunn, as he is wont to do, hit a giant three-run home run to win the game yesterday. However, Dusty Baker, the Reds' manager, first asked him to sacrifice bunt the two runners over. Here's how I imagine that conversation going:

DB: [walking over to Dunn] Big man!

AD: [eating a hoagy] mmmmm. Hey Dusty. What's up?

DB: Look man, we're in a tight spot. We're down by one, it's the bottom of the ninth--

AD: [confused] It's the ninth inning? Man, time flies.

DB: [laughs] Big man, you're hilarious! Look, we need you to move the runners over.

AD: [opening bag of White Castles] Cool.

DB: I'm glad we're on the same page.

AD: [finishing White Castle #4] Yeah, I'm going to hit a homer.

DB: Nah, man, we need you to bunt the runners over. Manufacture runs! Old school!

AD: [eating White Castle #8] Hmmmmm? Bunt?

DB: Get them runners over!

AD: [confused] Me? Seriously? I'm 6-6, 275, I've only ever bunted twice in my entire life. I'm actually kinda unsure how to even hold the bat...[fumbles with bat] Like this?

DB: Fundamentals! Veterans! Manufacturing runs! Clogging the bases!

AD: [opening pizza box] Dusty, that doesn't even make sense. I mean, I can try, but I'm pretty sure we'd be better off if I just went up there and hit a homer. Shit, I've had 40 each of the past four years. That's a pretty long track record of success.

DB: That's why it's such a great strategy! They'll never see it coming!

AD: [finishes pizza] Well, okay, I'll give it a shot.

Jeff Keppinger and Ken Griffey, Jr....

2008-05-15T12:44:00.004-05:00

Jeff Keppinger, the Reds' "scrappy" shortstop, fouled a pitch off his kneecap and shattered it, putting him, and more importantly, my fantasy team, out for six weeks or so. He and Ken Griffey Jr. had a long talk yesterday, apparently. Here's how I imagine it going:

KGJ: [walking into training room] Hey Jeff, what's happening, man?

JK: [sitting on training table, leg in cast] Oh hey Ken. I broke my kneecap, remember?

KGJ: Yeah, I saw that...hey, man, you okay? You look a little down in the dumps.

JK: Well, I'm out for a couple months. I can't walk, much less play.

KGJ: So what? You get to sit at home and watch TV, then get better, and come back. What's the big deal?

JK: I might not have a job when I get back.

KGJ: Huh? How do you mean?

JK: I'm 27, it's only my third full year in the majors. I was never a prospect, and I don't have a long term contract. If Janish plays really well while I'm on the DL, I might be out of a job. Plus, I'm not exactly a natural shortstop, and I'm not a good enough hitter to play anywhere else but second base, and Brandon Phillips is there. So if I lose some mobility, I'm pretty much done as a major league baseball player.

KGJ: Hold up a second. You're telling me that you have some actual urgency to come back quickly from an injury?

JK: Uh...yeah.

KGJ: And you can't just rely on your natural athletic gifts, dazzling smile, and bloated reputation to coast by on a minimum of effort?

JK: Right.

KGJ: So you're going to work hard in rehabbing the injury, so you can come back at pretty much your old level?

JK: That's the plan.

KGJ: And you actually want to come back during the season, because -- let me get this straight, because I'm having a hard time following -- you might actually lose your job if you miss too much time?

JK: That pretty much sums up my situation.

KGJ: [bewildered, shaking his head] That sucks. I can't even fathom having to go through that. When I started getting older and my body began breaking down because I've never had to take care of myself and I never developed the discipline to work hard in the off-season to supplement my natural gifts, the team just kept giving me chances and cutting me a break. I had an eight-year contract, you know? They couldn't dump me because they'd have to cut a check for $100 million, and no other team wanted me because I kept getting injured, so here for the duration.

JK: Yeah, I know.

[Manager Dusty Baker walks in.]

DB: Junior! I've been looking all over for you! Oh, hey...Joe. What are you doing in here?

JK: I broke my kneecap in last night's game. And it's "Jeff".

DB: [pauses, looks confused] There was a game last night? Is this right, Junior?

KGJ: Yeah, we actually won. You kept texting me during the game.

DB: Oh yeah! Why didn't hit me back?

KGJ: I was in right field, man.

DB: Huh. Don't recall it at all. John, you ready to go tonight?

JK: "Jeff." I broke my kneecap, remember?

KGJ: Yeah Dusty, his damn leg is in a cast. And from what he's been telling me, he has actual urgency to get back quickly, because he might lose his job.

DB: He's probably right. I'm going to start Hairston for the time being. He's a veteran. He has a proven track record of success.

KGJ: [puzzled] You mean Jerry Hairston, Jr.? The journeyman with a .255 lifetime average? That's a proven track record of success?

DB: Hell yeah. He won't clog up the bases

JK: Guys, you're not helping. I'm still pretty depressed. I'd really just rather be alone.

DB: Keep your head up Jake! Junior, come into my office, we need to hang out.

KGJ: Dusty, man, you need to quit calling me. We can't get too close. Don't you know I'm trying to engineer a trade back to Seattle?

DB: [over-laughing] Junior, you're a cut-up!

KGJ: I'm serious. I'm having my agent plant stories in the media linking me to the Mariners, and I've been giving interviews about how much I miss Seattle and how I was forced out of there.

JK: Wasn't the opposite true? Didn't you whine and complain and sulk your way into a trade, and then would only accept a trade if it were to Cincinnati?

KGJ: Yes. And?

JK: Don't you see anything wrong with that?

KGJ: Nope, I'm a Superstar Professional Athlete. That means I can say and do pretty much whatever I want, and as long as I'm not linked with steroids or any criminal activity, there will be no consequences.

DB: That's veteran presence! Junior, I don't think there's a game tonight, let's go grab a bite to eat. Jack, we'll see you later.

Muppets + Wes Anderson =

2008-05-12T18:27:00.002-05:00

... Sad Kermit.

I miss the hell out of Marty Brennaman...

2008-04-18T18:39:00.001-05:00

Stephen wants this so very badly...

2008-04-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

...Actually, so do I.

What are you doing on March 30?

2008-03-25T18:13:00.001-05:00

Because I know what I'll be doing:

Hey! NCAA Live Blog '08

2008-03-21T10:13:00.066-05:00

So for some reason the city is closed on Good Friday, so guess what? You get to suffer through this crap all afternoon. There are some issues this year: my laptop has passed away, so I'll have to pause on TiVo and run into the other room to post from the desktop.

3:03 - Karate Chimp is kinda awesome.

2:59 - It's halftime, Austin Peay 24-39 Texas. Peay has clawed a little back, but don't have a serious chance.

2:43 - I'm in Texas of course, so after a quick look at South Alabama 26-39 Butler, we're back to this crap. Austin Peay 10-27 Texas.

2:42 - They look in on UMBC 17-24 Georgetown. Will they stick with it?

2:37 - The game is in Little Rock, and the announcers claim the crowd is anti-Texas, though I haven't heard any evidence of it. Austin Peay 8-22 Texas. Pretty grim, and I have opened my book and started reading.

2:28 - It doesn't look good: Austin Peay 3-17 Texas.

2:25 - A Texas player shoots over the rim, and we get "airball" chants. I guess it's technically an airball, but it's still more impressive than falling short. We should limit the "airball" chant to only those shots. I think I may have found a wedge issue for Obama to use against McCain.

2:13 - Texas v. Austin Peay are playing now. I may lean on the fast-forward button, as this should not pose the Longhorns much trouble.

2:08 - Holy shit! WKU hits a three at the buzzer to win 101-98! Drake's handsome, marketable white men will unfortunately for CBS not be advancing.

2:06 - Back from the break as the Drake guy hits the other and the announcers seem to be openly rooting for the scrappy Drake team to win. Western Kentucky 98-99 Drake.

2:05 - I forgot to mention that one of Drake's stars is Klayton Korver, brother of the Jazz' shooter Kyle Korver. There are apparently two other brothers, both of whose names begin with a K. I dearly, dearly hope that one of them has a middle name with a "K", but probably not, alas.

2:04 - The "relentless" white Drake PG "never gives up" when he drives to the bucket and misses a terrible shot. Loose ball foul, Drake's guy hits one, tied at 98.

2:01 - WKU has a large Cameroonian forward named Boris who just hit two free throws. That was very "clutch", if you believe in that sort of thing. Western Kentucky 98-97 Drake.

1:58 - OT has been pretty boring until now. Western Kentucky 96-96 Drake.

1:50 - Here is Adam Morrison. So jealous.

1:48 - The announcers - including Ian Eagle, announcer of roughly 75% of the Bengals' games - just love the scrappy white PG, even as he misses a terrible shot to send the game into OT.

1:47 - Absolutely awful fucking call as WKU's A.J. Slaughter (great name) charges over Drake's scrappy white PG, Emmenecker. Tied at 88.

1:42 - WKU is losing it. Their PG turns it over on an absolutely awful no-look pass, and Drake's other black guy hits a deep three. Western Kentucky 86-85 Drake.

1:41 - Over to the Drake game, where it appears that Drake does have a couple token black guys, as one of the has a thunderous dunk. Western Kentucky 86-80 Drake, lead is 10% safe.

1:36 - And that's a final, Davidson 82-76 Gonzaga. Tennessee also pulled it out against American, 72-57.

1:33 - Curry hits two free throws, Davidson 81-74 Gonzaga. 88% safe. Nantz relates a story about how no ACC schools recruited Curry, and Roy Williams says "we missed on him". Well, here's the thing. He's a 6-3/185 shooting guard who looks smaller than that. If he had gone to an ACC school, they would have made him backup guard who only shot threes, rather than a featured scorer. It always irritates me when people talk about how much better this player or that player would have done on this or that team, when you have no fucking clue how he would have been used or how he would have developed. Would the Curry of *right now* be a great scorer on an ACC team? Obviously. But if Curry had gone to UNC or Duke or wherever and been on the bench right now, playing 10 minutes a night and only shooting threes be a great scorer? I'm guessing not.

1:31 - Oh for Christ's sake. Loose ball foul on Davidson, shooting two. 80% free throw-er misses the first and a goddamn lane violation kills the second. 27% safe now.

1:29 - Davidson player hits both free throws, but who cares? They show Adam Morrison, former Gonzaga star and NBA Lottery bust, in the stands, still with the pede-stache and with lovely, flowing, long hair. I am very jealous. Of the hair, not the Justin-esque creepy moustache. Davidson 79-74 Gonzaga, game over, even though the Bill James Lead Calculator says it's only 6% safe. That seems low.

1:28 - Gonzaga takes a rushed three by the wrong player (a freshman, and not that guy who was lights-out in the first half), fouled on the rebound. Same score, ballgame most likely over.

1:25 - Gonzaga ties it up, and finally has a good defensive possession, forcing a bad three as the shot clock is running down. Of course they can't come up with the rebound, and guess who the ball gets immediately kicked out to? Curry, who hits a wide-open three. Davidson 77-74 Gonzaga.

1:24 - Nantz informs me that not only is Gonzaga's coach a heathen Protestant, he's a Presbyterian minister. Davidson's affliation? You guessed it, Presbyterian. We're fucked. Packer relates a "hilarious" anecdote about the coach's father's Minnesota Vikings fandom, and how the sermons were pretty short when they played! Hilarious! Davidson 74-72 Gonzaga.

1:19 - Deadspin is running a much better live blog in case you're bored with me, and really there's no reason you should not be.

1:18 - Davidson 73-72 Gonzaga. Zags keep taking bad shots and are now playing a zone for some reason.

1:09 - Well, I have all meat at my house and nothing to eat tonight. Anyone reading this (ha!), post ideas as to what I should eat this evening.

1:08 - Dammit, Davidson 68-67 Gonzaga. Gonzaga is now taking bad shots. Curry has 24 (!) in the second half.

1:03 - Davidson's best player by a mile, Stephen (pronounced "Steffen") Curry has 32 after hitting a 3. Davidson 62-62 Gonzaga.

1:02 - They showed a close-up of the aforementioned long-haired, curly-headed dude, and he looks just like Danny Noonan from Caddyshack. Davidson 57-62 Gonzaga.

12:55 - American 40-50 Tennessee, and we switch back to Davidson 54-60 Gonzaga.

12:53 - American 40-48 Tennessee. Too bad, as Tennessee just has too much talent. Interestingly, Tennessee appears to be running the flex-motion offense, which I thought went out of style with the granny-shot free throw.

12:51 - They appear to be switching full-time to American 40-42 Tennessee, which is okay. I love the Lundquist/Raftery pairing. Lundquist has a great voice, and gets excited without going all Gus Johnson-over the top, which is just grating. I have no idea why Simmons loves him so much.

12:46 - They cut in on American 40-40 Tennessee coming back from a break. After all of Pearl's bitching about not getting a #1 seed I sincerely hope they lose.

12:37 - Packer keeps talking about "squaring up" when shooting a jumper as if it is some rare thing.

12:36 - Back from the half (I fast-forwarded through most of halftime), and I think Gonzaga has cornered the market on goofy-looking white guys. They've got a ginger, a long-haired curly-headed dude, and a stupid-tattoo and goatee.

12:20 - The half's almost over, and it's Western Kentucky 47-38 Drake. The announcer calls WKY the "pride of the Sun Belt". The Sun Belt has pride?

12:17 - We drop in on Drake during halftime, and we have a white-out! Drake has five white dudes on the floor. They're also losing.

12:13 - Halftime: Davidson 36-41 Gonzaga. Zags are definitely better than Davidson, but keep turning the ball over. Davidson is playing too fast and keep taking early, dumb shots, though. Good game.

12:07 - I've decided to irrationally hate Davidson's point guard, who just got fouled on a three. He's very frat-tastic.

11:53 - This dude Gray is lights-out from three. Hand in his face, no problem. Davidson 17-28 Gonzaga.

11:49 - Is Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother pretty desperate, or what?

11:48 - Another Drillbit Taylor commercial. This must have been during Owen's heroin period, because he looks just half-asleep in all his scenes. *sigh*

11:45 - They flash to the other games after a commercial, and we drop in on Drake v. Western Kentucky. It's funny, all the white guys (seriously, all) when picking brackets on Mr. Tony's show, said something to the effect of "love the Drake" when picking Drake, obviously referencing Seinfeld. The black guys who came on the show did not. I think Seinfeld should be featured on the awesome Stuff White People Like, if it hasn't already.

11:39 - Another bone to pick: Nantz was talking about Davidson's non-conference schedule, and they lost to UNC, Duke, and UCLA. Well, they lost to UCLA by 12 and Nantz said that was deceiving, as they at one point had them down 32-14 in the first half. What exactly is deceiving about a 30-point swing in the score? It seems to me that a reasonable person would conclude that UCLA took them too lightly and then adjusted and blew Davidson out.

11:37 - I love Billy Packer, but this is just dumb. They're talking about all of Davidson's international players, and Billy mentions how it's surprising that Canada has the most players in the NCAA's. How is that surprising? Here, let me lay it out for you, Billy:

Canada is right there above the USA.
In most countries, pro teams have youth teams that start paying players around their college age, making them ineligible for NCAA serfdom. Canada does not have this.
Basketball is a fairly popular sport in Canada
Again, Canada is right there above the USA.

11:36 - Back in high school CYO ball, the main goal (besides fighting through their hangovers to try to play at 8:30) was blocking a shot, which we called "packing". I'm reminded of this as a Davidson player just rejects a Gonzaga post player's shot. Alas, it bounces straight to Gonzaga's 3-point shooter, who drains one. Ha!

11:31 - This game is in Raleigh, which I'm confused about, as Davidson is from North Carolina and a lower seed than the Spokane-based Zags.

11:25 - And now we switch to Gonzaga v. Davidson, for some reason. Nantz and Packer doing the game. When you've got Jesuits versus the southern Protestant school, who do you think I'll be cheering for?

11:23 - American is hanging tough so far. I'll give Pearl credit, though, I like the way his teams play. The running, trapping, high scoring stuff I always dig, despite my objections to his cheesy persona.

11:20 - Bill Raftery's doing this game as well. I do like Raftery; he's got a little schtick, but it's not overpowering. He seems to have a brain at least as opposed to, say, Dick Vitale.

11:14 - We're getting American v. Tennessee first. Verne Lundquist is doing the game, and he's great. Not so great? Bruce Pearl. What a fucking clown.

11:00 - I imagine this is what Stephen looks like when he's at work, minus the goatee of course:

(Stolen from Cracked.)

10:57 - Mr. Tony is done for the day. Break until the games start.

10:52 - Did I mention how happy I was that blogtober ground to a halt?

10:46 - I think I liked The Duke on the old ESPN show better than Brendan. Brendan just does silly news that Tony can riff off of, whereas The Duke was just a perfect straight man for Tony, giving real news (okay, sports news anyway) that Tony can point out the absurdity of in opposition to the rest of the ESPN crew worshiping the news cycle and treating it as if it were Walter Cronkite talking about Vietnam or something. Which also may explain why the radio show is no longer on ESPN.

10:33 - Some writer friend of Tony's (okay, that doesn't exactly narrow it down, but I don't know who this guy is) is on talking about the Duke game last night. It always confuses people that I don't watch the games of teams I am a fan of. Well, first of all, I don't like caring about things I can't control. I get upset and stressed out, and over what? Some fucking game? There are real things that I can (and will) get upset over, so why add one more thing onto that fire?

10:26 - Oh Christ, fucking American Idol talk. Fast forward time. Oh, Andy doesn't like The Wire, but American Idol gets two big thumbs up. Go figure.

10:23 - I always skip through Brendan's live reads. Need more coffee.

10:22 - Shut up, Joe Barber. It was called Cloverfield, and it was good, you idiot.

10:21 - On the show is Joe Barber, and he's a terrible middlebrow, but I'm inclined to believe him about Drillbit Taylor. That looks like shit. I think Owen Wilson, in addition to needing a hug, needs a new manager. Or barring that, just to work with Wes Anderson full-time.

10:17 - As you may know, I'm 85% of an atheist, but that other 15% is Catholic. So I'm fasting today, and I will be cranky.

10:16 - Games start in an hour, so I'm drinking coffee and listening to today's Tony Kornheiser Show.

Random...

2008-03-02T10:44:00.004-06:00

First, a little crowing: Madieu Williams is no longer a Bengal, making Andy's dog's name (Madi) obsolete. I believe I predicted this.
Oh, more crowing: I did enjoy Blogtober ending with a whimper.
For about six hours, Shaun Rogers was a Bengal. Whoops, now he's a Brown. Why can't the city of Cincinnati have anything? More specifically, why can't *I* have anything? Seriously, whenever I start liking a team (Duke excepted) they suck. Example: I've been to roughly 100 Reds games (that's probably low, but it's an estimate). I think I've seen at least 70 losses. Seriously. And now that Dusty Baker is the manager, well...let's just say the outlook is not good. Look: Notre Dame sucks now, the Mavericks, Rangers, Bengals...any team I enjoy = suck.
This was supposed to be Scrubs' last season, but now it's apparently not. This is only notable for one thing: it's possibly Zach Braff-less. Maybe I'm not cursed.
The Wire is down to two episodes left. Now, my criticisms from earlier this year are still valid, but the show is still great. The media plot is ridiculous and heavy-handed, and I don't agree with its premise (Journalism, etc.), but it's proving dramatic.
I don't really have anything else.

So I'm conflicted...

2008-02-03T23:40:00.000-06:00

I have several opinions on the Super Bowl:

Praise Allah, the city of Boston finally gets its comeuppance. First, they lose out on Johan Santana and now, their precious football team loses a game. Ha!
On the other hand, the Patriots' whole bit is awesome. One big problem with modern-day sports is that no one wants to be a bad guy. The Patriots, on the other hand, go the other way. They unrepentantly cheat, they roid¹, their coach is a glorious asshole, they run up the score for no good reason...I can't help but love this team.
On an unrelated topic: fuck you, Chad Johnson. If you want to get all the attention and fame when the team does well, don't be fucking shocked if you get the blame when it goes bad. Also, if you want out, fucking say so, don't act like a bitch and drop thinly-veiled comments on local radio and threaten to sit out the season through "sources". Grow up, asshole.

Footnotes
1. What happened to the Rodney Harrison story, BTW? If a Red Sox had tested positive, we'd never hear the end of it.

Lock your weed and cars, people of Cincinnati...

2008-01-26T17:18:00.000-06:00

...Odell Thurman is back.

Mr. Tony...

2008-01-20T14:25:00.000-06:00

The greatest radio show of all time, The Tony Kornheiser Show, returns tomorrow. As if I needed any more reason to hate professional football, Monday Night Football takes away Mr. Tony for five months a year. The really sad thing is that he's fucking terrible on MNF and great on radio.

Another The Wire post....

2008-01-14T00:20:00.000-06:00

...so those of you who can't tell the difference between black people should probably just ignore this one.

Short version: I'm still worried. Basically, the main Journalist character is the City Editor at the Baltimore Sun (David Simon's old paper). Of course, he's being set up as the lone smart person in the sea of destructive bureaucracy, a la McNulty or Bunny (one of the very, very few completely honorable characters in the show, but I'll get into that in a later post), and he is, of course, a stand-in for David Simon (or at least how David Simon views himself as a Journalist). The problem is he's presented as this hyper-concientious super-journalist (he calls the office late at night to re-check his story, and ha-ha! he's right all along) that just comes off as one-note and phony; and note that this was never a problem during the introduction of McNulty, who was always presented as a drunk, womanizing, abrasive asshole, albeit one who we were supposed to sympathize with. There's also this hot young reporter (Scott) who is the apple of the eeeevvviilll chief editor's eye who we know isn't 100% on the level from a scene last week, where he was sitting at the bar drinking, apart from his colleagues (foreshadowing, everyone!) who's clearly pulling a Jayson Blair and making up this bullshit, heart-warming story involving a wheelchair-bound kid trying to score tickets to Opening Day. But, guess who is the lone voice in the wilderness questioning the story? That's right the City Editor. This is just heavy-handed crap we can see coming from a mile away. There's no nuance, no dimensions, nothing that The Wire has given us over the past four seasons. The rest of the show, of course, is gold, but this (thus far) lame plotline is still worrying me.

The Wire is back...

2008-01-07T21:17:00.000-06:00

...I'm guardedly optimistic about this season. This post pretty much sums up my feelings on this season's "theme". If you don't want to read it, basically the focus of the show is expanded again to include journalists, and from the first episode and all the surrounding scuttlebutt about this season it just seems like David Simon is settling old scores as opposed to saying something trenchant. It doesn't really help that I disagree with his entire premise regarding journalism. If you read what he has to say about the subject (and he brings it up in every interview, every chance he gets), Simon thinks journalists have some sort of god-granted role to watch-dog for the public. Which is bullshit of course -- newspapers exist, and always have existed, to make money for their owners. No more, no less. One of the great things about The Wire is that it's so damn cynical about everything: the government, the police, the schools, reform, etc; the one huge theme of the show is that we're all fucked. I don't see why Journalism (with the capital "J", of course) should be exempt from that worldview. Of course, there is still plenty of time for it to straighten out; I almost stopped watching after the first episode because the show had painted McNulty as some kind of lone savior of the police department, and I still enjoy The Shield despite my problems with it. But that doesn't mean I'm still not worried.

My best of 2007...

2008-01-03T20:21:00.000-06:00

Movies
1. Children of Men
2. Zodiac
3. Knocked Up
4. The Darjeeling Limited
5. Army of Shadows

TV
1. 30 Rock
2. The Shield
3. John From Cincinnati
4. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
5. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations

Music
1. Sound of Silver / LCD Soundsystem
2. Neon Bible / Arcade Fire
3. Sky Blue Sky / Wilco
4. American Gangster / Jay-Z
5. Wincing the Night Away / The Shins

Books
1. No Country for Old Men / Cormac McCarthy
2. The Black Swan / Nassim Nicholas Taleb
3. And Then We Came To the End / Joshua Ferris
4. The Savage Detectives / Roberto Bolano
5. Up in Honey's Room / Elmore Leonard

Big bag of crap...

2007-11-19T13:20:00.000-06:00

I bought my Xmas tickets today. I'll be Cincy from December 21st-26th. If you'd like to be snubbed/ignored/insulted by me, drop me a line.
So after badgering by someone's wife, I joined Facebook. It is about 100x better than the terrible, terrible Myspace. No spam, cleaner interface, and shock of shocks, everything works.
So...Friday Night Lights. Last season was probably one of the best shows ever on TV, so of course no one watched it. Great acting, great characters, good storylines, drama without being soapy, and most of all, realism. I'm not someone who demands veirsimilitude in all things, but if you're going to do something, you might as well go all the way; if you have a goofy, soapy show, just acknowledge that fact and you'll get my respect. It's the shows that are goofy and soapy at their core, but put on this veneer of pretentiousness and Meaning -- Six Feet Under, Sex and the City, even Dawson's Creek -- that really bother me. Why do you need to be anything other than entertaining? Why try to be Art?
Anyway, this season has been disappointing from a realism standpoint so far. Here is a listing of reasons why:

Awful storylines involving Landry. Last year, he was the goofy, nerd sidekick of Saracen, the inexperienced QB. This year, they not only have him trying out for a spot on the team, but he's on varsity and actually getting PT. GARBAGE. First of all, the basis of the show is how the high school football team has a hold on the mind of this shithole West Texas town because there's nothing else there. So, show, you're telling me that a kid in the junior class who's never played football before is getting a spot on the varsity team? Fucking come on. Dillon High has been established as a football factory. Kids at these schools have been playing football since kindergarten, in programs designed for one thing: developing these kids to play varsity football. At best, a kid just trying out would make JV, if not just get summarily cut the first day of practice.
The other bad storyline is Landry killing the guy who almost raped Tyra (the school slut, with a heart of gold and a brain). Several problems with this story:

Tyra is one of my favorite characters on the show. Not only hot, but she was an absolute badass last season, which culminated when she fought off the attacker by herself. Now this season, she needs the nerd to save her? What a lame, TV/Hollywood bullshit way to write a character.
Random attacks happen. They outnumber the serial-type people by an order of magnitude. Serial killers are fascinating because they are so rare; random violence is just everyday and commonplace. Why bring the rapist back? What is this, a CBS drama? Just silly, Hollywood bullshit.
I could put away the previous two if not for this one: they threw away the body afterwards. They're in redneck Texas; killing in self-defense is not just okay, it's practically venerated. So why hide the body? Hell, they'd probably give Landry an award for killing the guy. Silly, dumb shit.

So you'd think that one would bother me the most. Nope. My biggest problem is the lack of attention to even a bit of continuity issues. It was established last year that Street, the star QB who was paralyzed, his best friend Riggins, the drunken fullback, and his hot, hot, hot girlfriend Lyla were all seniors. What happens this year? Riggins is back on the team, which is somewhat believable because he's been established as a moron, but what is Lyla doing there?

Kenny vs. Spenny is back! It's on Comedy Central on Sundays, for some reason.
The Bengals suck, what a shock.
RIP, Joe Nuxhall. You could always tell what inning it was by how slurred his words were. The Old Lefthander enjoyed a cocktail or three.

This poor bastard...

2007-11-07T23:17:00.000-06:00

This simply cannot be real. I mean...come on. Words cannot describe the genius of this thing.

The Christ-I'm-sick-of-the-City-of-Boston edtion...

2007-10-24T21:45:00.000-05:00

Enough, Boston. We get it - your sports teams (for now) are good. Okay, Cheers was pretty funny. So here's a list of shitty things you've given us:

Dane Cook
Jack Nicholson's "accent" in The Departed
Bad regional accents in general
Race riots
Puritans
Noam Chomsky
Danny Ainge
Half of Bill Simmons' published work
Dane Cook
Johnny Damon, the celebrity (as opposed to Johnny Damon, the average center fielder)
Overrated beer
Red Sox Nation, which we can blame for the rampant rise of "[insert stupid thing] Nation"
the "Curse of the Bambino"
Dane Cook

I can't stand Tony Romo - I don't like people who actively court celebrity - but I have to say: well done, sir, well done.
Yes, Andy, my No. 1 gal is now on Heroes. No, I will not be watching. Unless her superpower is humping librarians, I don't care.
I've been using Firefox Portable at work and it's changed my life.
I saw The Darjeeling Limited in Dallas. I loved it of course (I need to see it again to form a proper opinion). We saw it at the Angelika, an arthouse theater at Mockingbird Station in Dallas, a high-end open-air mall. Man, the douche factor was off the charts. Every time I'm down there, I start thinking it would be cool to live there, then the assholes just come out of the woodwork.

A short one, I know.

A little tip from your ol' Uncle Tom...

2007-10-03T22:47:00.001-05:00

I've never done acid, but I imagine it's a lot like this:

Don't do drugs, kids.

Wes Anderson update...

2007-09-26T18:20:00.000-05:00

The Darjeeling Limited comes out Friday, but only in New York. I'm not cool, so I'm stuck here. Anyway, there is a "prologue" to the movie called Hotel Chevalier with Jason Schwartzman and the future Mrs. Randolph Diemar. (You may know her as Natalie Portman.) It is available for free on iTunes. He also directed some AT&T commercials which are here. (And don't forget his incredible American Express commercial, which is still here. (I hope.))

2007 Colonel James Memorial Award Winner...

2007-09-20T23:46:00.000-05:00

(O, you think so, Doctor?)

Goes to Bengals "Defensive Coordinator" Chuck Bresnahan for this one:

"I didn't have them ready to play."

Thanks for that incisive analysis, Chuck. Do you think that the next time you play a shitty team you could hold them to, say, 30 at the most?

Get well soon, Owen Wilson...

2007-08-28T20:23:00.001-05:00

One of my personal heroes, Owen Wilson, apparently tried to commit suicide over the weekend. If he can't make it through the day, what chance do I have? I'm going to go watch The Royal Tennenbaums and cry.

Media update...

2007-08-21T22:32:00.001-05:00

Reports, reviews, thoughts, etc. on interesting things I've watched, heard, or read in the past few months...

Unfortunately, John From Cincinnati was cancelled. It really had no chance whatsoever of succeeding; it's probably the single weirdest television show ever produced in the US. There were ten episodes and I have absolutely no idea what happened. In regular shows, there's a plotline: a problem occurs, the characters resolve it. There was a plotline in JFC, but it was only hinted at; I think that John is (apparently) a heavenly messenger here to prepare and guide Shaun Yost (a Jesus/prophet type) to deliver some sort of message via the power of surfing. But what I think the show is really about is the trouble our modern society would have in dealing with a supernatural/religious event, i.e., an angel or whatever the hell John was supposed to be appearing in our lives. It's a shame, then, that I'm not going to figure out what the hell that event was all about. Even though the plotline was incomprehensible, the show was just amazing at times. It also has the best opening credits outside of The Wire or The Shield; archival surf/beach town footage cut to "Johnny Appleseed" by Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros.
Speaking of The Shield, via the wonders of NetFlix and BitTorrent, I'm all caught up. Man, what was I thinking staying away from this? It's probably the best cop show ever (The Wire is not a cop show); wicked intense, great acting all around. The only problem I have with it is philosophical. The main character is Vic Mackey (Michael Chiklis), who is an absolutely dirty cop. Now, dirty cops are the worst thing on the street; a drug dealer/gang member you can at least respect, since he is going straight and making no bones about breaking the law. But a dirty cop? Using the color of authority to break laws? I cannot, no matter how "effective" they might be, even remotely respect someone who abuses their authority so blatantly. The Shield continually puts Mackey in a position where he is the hero of the show, the most sympathetic character there, and the most effective detective. It didn't start out this way; in the first episode Vic and Shane murdered a member of their own team who was an informant. But as the series goes on, the Farmington district's moral rot becomes clear, Vic emerges as the hero of the show. How did they do this? Here's who is against Vic:

Captain/Councilman Aceveda: a nakedly ambitious, wants a clean district only to help his political career. Tolerates Vic when and only when it helps him.
Dutch: smarter than Vic, a better pure detective than him, and really the only person in the district he's actually afraid might figure him out. But, he's physically weak and socially awkward and so continually humiliated in the frat-ish atmosphere of the Barn; everyone at work hates him and the audience of course follows suit. I'd like to see an endgame where Dutch locks up Vic, but given Chiklis is a producer on the show now, I don't think that will happen.
Claudette: morally the best character on the show, but self-righteous and can be shady at times. Kind of a pain in the ass.
Lt. Kavanaugh: IAD investigator, brilliantly played by Forest Whitaker in S5 and S6. Batshit insane.

Given these characters in opposition to Vic, how can any viewer be against him? If the show wasn't so well directed and acted, I probably wouldn't watch.

Another TV show I'm late getting in on is Battlestar Galactica. I don't generally like non-Star Wars sci-fi, but the initial miniseries just blew me away.
After a two-year hiatus, my TiVo is back, so I've been subsisting on Scrubs reruns lately. The first four seasons show just how far the show has slipped over the last couple. I think one of the reasons I didn't like this past season is because the reruns are on so much they spoil me for the new stuff; The Simpsons works like this as well.
Superbad, of course, was awesome. Shit, how could it not be given Seth Rogen wrote it and it stars George-Michael from Arrested Development and Jonah Hill? Funniest movie I've seen in the theater since Talledega Nights. (I don't include Knocked Up in this category, since it's something different and more special to me than a regular comedy.)

No, I cannot wait...

2007-07-22T21:29:00.000-05:00

Addendum: here's a trailer.

RIP Mr. Wizard...

2007-06-13T20:37:00.000-05:00

NPR : Don Herbert, TV's 'Mr. Wizard,' Dies

Same old shit...

2007-06-11T14:49:00.000-05:00

The masses have spoken and have demanded that I post again!¹

In case you've been paying attention², that "MLS" on the end of my signature means I (shockingly) graduated.
In other shocking news, I have a job! I start tomorrow.
Obviously, the big TV news was the series finale of The Sopranos. How do I put this? It³ sucked.
No, not because there wasn't a bloodbath, or even a definitive ending. The show has never been about that. The show has been about depicting what Tony's (or any Mafia life) would be, creating a sense of constant tension and uncertainty. But not everything comes to a giant climax because not everything in life comes to a giant climax; in other words, not much happens on the show because, well, not much happens in real life. The problem with this approach is you often get a boring, anti-climatic show. In the first three seasons and season five, this wasn't a problem because the things that built up to the anti-climax were actually compelling.
The really inexplicable thing was all the stupid, pointless "predictions" thrown about last week. My "favorite" was the speculation that Tony was going into witness protection. Really? A show whose creator has been insistent about this not being a stereotypical Mafia drama is going to end the series in the exact same way as Goodfellas?
Gilmore Girls also ended. I bailed in November.
How disappointing was this season of Scrubs? Here's a list of things:

The lack of development in JD's character. He's actually regressed since season one.
The lack of development/maturation of JD & Dr. Cox's relationship. There's no respect, bordering on pure contempt, from Dr. Cox towards JD, which was understandable if JD was still an intern, but he's an allegedly good doctor now. Of course, since he's turned into a giant douche, Dr. Cox's contempt is somewhat understandable.⁴
The utter waste of Elizabeth Banks' talent in a pointless, chemistry-less relationship with JD.
Oh God, the stupid, intelligence-insulting Kim-lies-to-JD-about-the-baby storyline.
The forced tone of the wackiness combined with the poignant that was once effortless, and to me, the most disappointing thing in this list, since it made the show so great.

Back to something actually great: Knocked Up. Regular readers of the blog⁵ know how much Judd Apatow's work, ranging from Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, and The 40 Year Old Virgin, has meant to me. Not suprisingly I absolutely loved Knocked Up.
I've also started to NetFlix back episodes of The Shield, which is very good. Not at the level of The Wire, but what is?
The Reds suck, and since I've moved down here the Rangers suck too. Clearly, I'm baseball poison.

Footnotes

They have not.
You haven't.
The whole season, for that matter.
For a good example of a maturing relationship within the show, look at Dr. Cox and Turk. He's gone from utter dismissal of him, to a grudging respect, to now, where they are more or less friends.
All one of you.

Jesus!

2007-05-07T22:32:00.001-05:00

Oswalt improves to 19-1 against the Reds

Baseball!!!

2007-04-01T13:39:00.000-05:00

Opening day¹ is almost here! A few predictions for the season:

The Reds will lose 90+ games, and be out of the race by June.
They will not finish last however, because the Pirates suck even worse.
Ken Griffey, Jr. will demand a trade in July. He'll be traded to the White Sox, and go on a tear, leading them to the playoffs, where they will lose to the Red Sox.
Adam Dunn will also be traded, causing Marty Brennaman and Hal McCoy² to throw a Pacman Jones-esque party. Dunn will be traded to the A's for a box of baseballs, a fungoe bat, and left-handed relief pitcher.
Josh Hamilton will hit 30 HR's and win NL Rookie of the Year. However, after Marty and Hal's party, he'll relapse³ and never be heard from again.
Bronson Arroyo and Aaron Harang will have another great year, but finish with a losing records.
Joey Votto will have a great year in AAA, but in his first MLB game he'll go 0-4. This will prove to Jerry Narron that he isn't ready, and he'll be sent immediately back down to Louisville, and traded in the off-season.
Homer Bailey will be in the rotation by July.
Ryan Freel will suffer a career-ending injury on Opening Day when he falls off the top of the dugout while chasing those white doves they release every year.
Alex Rodriguez will hit 50 HR and win the AL MVP. However, he will go 0-5 in the first playoff game and will be tarred and feathered outside Yankee Stadium.
The Cardinals will beat the Angels to win their second straight World Series on the back of Albert Pujols, causing Tom Greaves to spontaeously combust in anger.

Footnotes

I do not recognize the ESPN-driven Sunday night opening game. Monday is Opening Day for me. Yes, I realize I sound like Ryan but that is one tradition I enjoy nonetheless.
Marty and Hal (and Dolph) hate Adam Dunn, mainly because he doesn't run to his position.
Josh was a top-five pick coming out of high school. IIRC, he had a crazy sports dad who never let him have a life outside of baseball, so once he got some freedom and money he became a crackhead, of course.

A little tip from your ol' Uncle Tom...

2007-03-26T22:22:00.000-05:00

...drugs are okay every once in a while, but too much will start to make you say things like this:

Quentin Tarantino Recalls Boxing With Bob Dylan

AWESOME

2007-03-19T12:16:00.000-05:00

The Big Lead » blog » Breaking: Joey Porter Brawls with Bengals lineman Levi Jones in Las Vegas

I thought the Pacman Jones story was the best ever.

I was wrong.

Operation NCAA Live Blog 2007

2007-03-16T11:26:00.000-05:00

(All times Central.)

11:28 - I'm coming to you LIVE from my room in my Aunt & Uncle's house in Keller, TX. I would be downstairs with the HD feed, but my Grandpa is staying with us and doesn't like basketball.

11:29 - Holy shit, Albany's mascot is the Great Danes.

11:30 - They switched to the North Texas (my school) v. Memphis game. The crowd in NOLA agrees with that this game sucks, as at least 2/3's of the seats are empty.

11:33 - Okay, CBS has to be adding crowd noise. There are chants and cheering and there's no one there. This is worse than WWF.

11:35 - Watched Andy Barker, P.I. last night. Andy Richter can do no wrong for me, but I don't know if this show has any legs. I can't see anyone beyond comedy fans watching it -- it was really subtle, more of an amusing show rather than a laugh-out-loud one.

11:37 - UNT is up 10-5! How long will it last? Probably not long. At least there is no good game on, judging from the scores on the top (a shockingly great idea from CBS).

11:39 - Had to bring this up: what a shitty year for Duke. Their top two players, Greg Paulus and Josh McRoberts, who were top-10 recruits a couple years ago, just aren't that good.

11:40 - UNT guy gets a turnover, then fouled and the hoop as we break for commercial. UNT 16-11 Memphis.

11:41 - Miller Lite commercial, and am I the only person in the world who likes Bud Light better?

11:42 - Hanes commercial with Michael Jordan blocking all of Kevin Bacon's shots. What an asshole MJ is. Not to mention that Jordan and Bacon hanging out in a minimally-appointed room (all the walls are white, very little furniture) stretches the limits of believability. This isn't to say that Jordan and Bacon don't hang out, but in that particular set of rooms? Come on Hanes, get real.

11:45 - Offensive ineptitude on both sides here. UNT tries to run a pick and roll thing, but pick-and-rolls only work when the two players involved are isolated. Setting two picks for the ballhandler on the same side doesn't work because there are more defenders around to swarm the ballhandler. And Memphis had a three-on-two and took a three from the corner.

11:48 - 48 minutes and no John Mellencamp-Chevy commercial yet. I probably just jinxed us.

11:51 - UNT 18-18 Memphis. How did that happen?

11:53 - The "genius" of Bill Rafferty: Re: a charging foul on Memphis' fat forward: "God endows you with certain attributes, and [fat forward's] derriere is one of them. *cackle*"

11:58 - UNT's coach is Johnny Jones. There should be an age limit on which one could go by a kid's name. "Chipper", "Scooter", and all shorter names ending in "-y" (i.e., not "Andy", because you can't call someone "And") should be banned after you reach 16 years old. No, I'm not bitter because my family insists on calling me "Tommy" despite my obvious and intense dislike of the name. Well, maybe a little.

11:59 - UNT 22-23 Memphis. Probably for good?

12:00 - Hooters commercial starring my arch-enemy, Dick Vitale. I have never, ever seen a hot Hooters girl.

12:03 - Holy shit, Tom Arnold is in that black-swimming movie, Pride, as the evil white coach (think Cobra Kai sensei). I laughed harder at that than at most comedy trailers. I don't think that was the aim of the filmmakers.

12:07 - Finally someone makes a shot. UNT 24-23 Memphis.

12:11 - Christ this game is boring. Other games: Ga.Tech 15-25 UNLV, Albany 25-45 Virginia.

12:12 - It's so boring Rafferty is telling a nostalgic tale about Danny Ainge of all people.

12:14 - There are more people in the arena now, but there's still no way that the crowd noise matches up.

12:15 - Saw 300 last weekend. I wanted to walk out 300 times. But seriously folks, that was one terrible, terrible movie.

12:22 - Some dude hits a three to put Memphis up 33-28. It's all slipping away for UNT. Or not, it's still early. I'm just trying to add some drama to this boring fucking game.

12:25 - There was an Memphis alley-oop that I missed. Man I am a shitty blogger.

12:28 - Beyond the fact that I think golf is completely pointless, the sheer pretentiousness of the Masters repels me: the name, the "tradition unlike any other". My eyeballs hurt from rolling too much.

12:29 - Speaking of hurting, I helped Amy move out of her house (and into Andy's) last weekend.

12:31 - It's apparently halftime. UNT 28-37 Memphis. I can't look at Greg Gumbel (or his brother) without thinking of that "Gumbel to Gumbel" bit on Family Guy.

12:34 - Sadly, they switch to the Albany 30-58 Virginia game. No contest here. I'm searching for a Great Danes joke...

12:39 - Got one: The Great Danes must have peed in the house, because Virginia has been punishing them! Nothing?

12:43 - Alan Sepinwall has it right about Scrubs this season: they're just trying too hard. Outside of the musical episode, there hasn't been a consistently funny episode this year.

12:45 - There's a State Farm commercial about how great their personal service is. My experience with "personal service" and auto insurance is my agent giving my phone number to his son so he could pester me into buying life insurance.

12:49 - GT and UNLV are tied up at 40, so of course CBS is sticking with UNT 32-39 Memphis.

12:51 - You know what's irritating? The video player on ESPN.com's homepage. You can't turn it off, and it has noise, so if you don't know your speakers are on, you get blasted with a commercial.

12:54 - Not that he needs any advertising, but Bill Simmons' live blog is here. This is what he's good at, short bullet points and reacting to things in real time. When he tries to write Columns he gets sidetracked because he wants to cram as much in as possible. He would be the best blogger of all time, but he's not that good of a writer.

12:56 - First Mellencamp commercial, 1:56 in.

12:59 - I do like Rafferty better than Vitale. Rafferty definitely has some schtick, but it doesn't overwhelm his commentary. Compare that to Vitale, who has turned screaming and over-enthusiasm into a career choice.

1:01 - Rafferty comes through: Lundquist: "...Memphis averaging 61% [in free throw percentage] this year." Rafferty: "[some guy] averages 62%, so he's one of the good ones."

1:02 - UNT guy with a blown dunk, my favorite mistake in sports. The sound it makes, the look on the guy's face...pure genius. UNT 38-44 Memphis.

1:08 - Steal and breakaway dunk by Memphis, timeout by UNT. UNT 40-53 Memphis.

1:09 - That's 2 on the Mellencamp counter.

1:10 - 300 commerical. Did I mention that it was the worst movie I've ever seen in a theater?

1:14 - Final: Albany 57-84 Virginia. Post your own Great Danes pun in the comments.

1:22 - Twenty minutes, and two points have been scored -- three commercial breaks though. UNT 40-55 Memphis.

1:27 - Holy shit, a Penny Haradway sighting. What the hell happened to him?

1:30 - Memphis is winning by 12 with 6 minutes left. GT-UNLV is tied at 59 with 1 minute left...well, CBS finally gets its head out of its ass and switches.

1:31 - Aw, fuck, Billy Packer is doing this game.

1:32 - Right off an inbounds, UNLV gets a hoop and a foul. GT 59-61 UNLV.

1:33 - 5 Seconds on GT! UNLV ball.

1:34 - Time out, so they switch. UNT 54-63 Memphis. Lundquist says UNT has "climbed back into this." Yeah, probably not.

1:36 - Back to the good game...UNLV guy gets fouled, they're in the bonus...he hits both...GT 59-63 UNLV.

1:38 - Remember in the first season of The Wire where Wee-Bey is going down for life for a murder anyway, so he confesses for a bunch of other open murders so his boys don't have to, and the cops don't care all that much because it closes their cases? That's the feeling I get when I heard about Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's "confession".

1:40 - GT 61-66 UNLV, 12 seconds left. GT's probably done.

1:44 - UNT game is winding down, so Lundquist calls UNT a "really great school". Hmm...not so much, I'm thinking. UNT 58-71 Memphis.

1:45 - Another final: GT 63-67 UNLV. 1-2 today, counting UNT, which is pretty much over.

1:48 - And that's it folks: UNT 58-73 Memphis...the dream is over *sniff*.

1:58 - Getting some lunch downstairs...saw my grandfather watching Maury. Winthrop 17-24 Notre Dame.

2:04 - Shit, Winthrop goes on a run, 26 all.

2:16 - Again with the switching to shitty games! Let's turn off the two-point game so that we can show the 2-15 game (Wisconsin v. Texas A&M-Corpus Christi)! Note to non-geographers: Corpus Christi is about 12 hours away for D/FW, so it's not like we care all that much.

2:22 - Holy shit, A&M-CC 10-0 Wisconsin!

2:31 - Wisconsin needs to get its shit together. A&M-CC 15-4 Wisconsin. This is gonna fuck up some brackets if it holds up. Meaning mine.

2:35 - Is that Gene Hackman doing the voice overs for Lowe's commercials? Why hasn't he been acting, BTW?

2:42 - Well, maybe CBS made the right decision, because it's now Winthrop 50-34 Notre Dame. It's A&M-CC 18-4 Wisconsin.

2:47 - A&M-CC is a damn good team. They press and run, just what Wisconsin doesn't want to do. A&M-CC 23-7 Wisconsin, 6:30 left.

3:00 - Wisconsin is slowly crawling back, A&M-CC 25-13 Wisconsin.

3:01 - They keep playing this tired-ass Entourage/DirecTV commercial. Both things suck.

3:07 - Halftime, Wisconsin slows the game down and ends on a 12-2 run. A&M-CC 27-19 Wisconsin. If CC can't quicken the pace, they're screwed.

3:10 - A look-in on Winthrop 55-49 Notre Dame...remember ND was down 20 earlier...hits a three, 56-52.

3:13 - Ian Eagle, the spare-est broadcaster of them all, drops the ultimate cliche: "Winthrop looks like they're playing not to lose..." No one has ever figured out what that means. Winthrop 59-56 Notre Dame. Good game.

3:21 - ND with a 3, then a defensive stop, then one of ND's interchangable awkward white big guys gets a bucket. Winthrop 62-63 Notre Dame.

3:22 - Winthrop layup, then a 3, 67-63, 1:11 to go.

3:23 - Another gem from Ian Eagle: "[ND's Tory Jackson] has nine older brothers, none of which are named Tito." He should do stand-up.

3:25 - ND can't get a shot off, leading to a Winthrop break and dunk. Winthrop 70-64 Notre Dame, 28 seconds left.

3:34 - That's a final: Winthrop 74-64 Notre Dame. Does God not like ND anymore? First the Sugar Bowl fiasco, now this.

3:47 - Wisconsin has clawed back: A&M-CC 42-38 Wisconsin.

3:52 - Yeah, I'm losing steam/interest. Will there be another post?

3:55 - Well, shit, Wisconsin just tied it up at 47. 10 minutes left.

Oh man, who the hell do I cheer for?

2007-03-09T19:11:00.000-06:00

Longtime readers (like there's more than one, and that person is me) of this blog know that despite being an atheist, I'm also a Catholic, which basically means that I cheer for Catholic colleges in sports. So what do I do when Notre Dame is playing Georgetown?

So what are you bitches giving up for Lent?

2007-02-21T12:20:00.000-06:00

Same as every year, I'm giving up candy. Put your answers in the comments. Oh, no smartass response like, "I'm giving up self-denial", because that's just so funny and original I simply cannot take it and will delete that fucker before you finish laughing at yourself.

Here's another Lent question I have but am obviously too lazy to look up: When does Lent actually end? Holy Saturday or Easter Sunday? I've heard both ways.

Taking time out from exams to deliver the single greatest sports story ever...

2007-02-20T01:23:00.000-06:00

So, and this is a huge surprise, there was a shooting at a strip club in Vegas over All-Star weekend, and guess who was involved? The Titans' brilliant, both on the field and off, cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones. Here's the good bits:

Cofield said Jones, accompanied by a large posse, entered the club late Sunday night with a "Glad Bag" full of dollar bills, and soon began throwing the money at the dancers ("making it rain"). Rappers Nelly and Jermaine Dupri were also at the club, and were throwing money at the dancers from "blocks of singles".

Two of the strippers allegedly began to fight over the cash, and in part because of that confusion, the club owners turned on the lights in an effort to get all the patrons to exit the club.

Cofield noted that after Jones and his group left the club, there were allegedly multiple gunshots from automatic weapons coming from Jones' entourage, resulting in two bouncers being shot (both are in critical condition) and a woman also getting hit with the gunfire (condition unknown).

Oh man where to begin with the greatness? I, of course, have a list:

You've got an NFL player rolling into a strip club carrying a garbage bag.
Said garbage bag is filled with dollar bills.
Said NFL player starts dumping the bag out onto the stage.
This is apparently a common enough occurance that it has a name: "making it rain".
The initial "making it rain" causes Nelly and Jermaine Dupri, who also happen to be at said strip club, to also start throwing around dollar bills.
All of this causes a free-for-all onstage, with strippers trying to grab as much money as possible.
Of course a fight breaks out between the strippers.
All this is bad enough that the strip club managers have to turn on the lights. Anyone who knows anything about strip clubs knows that this never happens unless it's mandated by law. (Strippers, of course, don't look good in real light. Uh, I've heard.)
It's also bad enough that the club has to be evacuated.
And finally, someone gets shot.

Oh man. Oh man. No words can properly express my delight at this story. The Bengals need to sign Pacman Jones stat.

Creepy Justin...

2007-02-15T12:11:00.000-06:00

So Justin wanted to taunt Dolph's invisible mustache with this:

Yeah, I'm frightened too.

Randomalia...

2007-02-15T00:21:00.000-06:00

So it's been a while. Here's what's been happening:

Went to Medieval Times last weekend for Andy's birthday. Yeah...not my thing exactly. When you go in, they give you a colored paper crown (just like at Burger King) based on where you're sitting and what knight you're supposed to be cheering for. Well, instead of just handing it to me like a normal person, this fucking idiot tries to put the crown on my head. And so, not wanting to a) be touched by a stranger and b) look like a douchebag with a paper crown on my head, I back away and say no thanks. Instead of taking this chance to just hand me the fucking thing, she keeps trying to put it on my head. Well, goddammit, what do you think happened next? I keep backing away, she keeps trying to put it on me. So now I look like an even bigger douchebag running away from a teenager trying to give me a fucking paper crown. I really don't think it's unreasonable not to want a stupid paper crown, but apparently not at Medieval Times.
Dolph is trying to grow a mustache. I guess he doesn't know he has blonde hair.
In other Dolph news, he correctly picked the Bengals to go 8-8 this year. So now he's picking them to win the Super Bowl next year.
So if you're keeping score, Dolph a) is growing an invisible mustache and b) thinks he's clairvoyant.
If you're not watching The Sarah Silverman Show, you're missing out. She's just a brilliant performer. There's this promo running on Comedy Central for tomorrow night's show where she's giving a speech to schoolkids -- just watch her face. She gets all the mannerisms of a school speaker down perfectly, while saying some vile, hilarious shit.
Also good and funny: 30 Rock. I initially stayed away because Tina Fey, former head writer of Saturday Night Live. Given the last time SNL was good was when Will Ferrell was on the show and it has been just unwatchable since then, staying away was a good assumption, I think. Anyway, this is one time I'm happy to be wrong. Best comedy of the year, and unlike other shows I could mention, this actually is great. Hopefully it doesn't get cancelled, which of course it will be.
Andy Richter is coming back, this time as comedy P.I. I give it three shows before it's replaced by yet another hour of Howie Mandel spare-ing up the TV.

Speaking of Andy, why hasn't Andy Richter Controls the Universe been released on DVD?

Watched Harold and Maude finally. I liked it, even if I now can't get several octogenarian-sex images out of my head. Thanks for that, Ann. Anyway, how did Bud Cort not become a huge star? He's fucking great in this, the Jason Schwartzman of his time. What happened here?
Hey, so the Shins finally released a new album. Despite the Garden State stigma, they're still great.
Pitchers and catchers have reported to camp!

New Judd Apatow...

2007-02-02T15:36:00.000-06:00

Adblock

Here's the (international) trailer for the Judd Apatow movie Knocked Up. It stars the always-funny former Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, and The 40 Year Old Virgin star Seth Rogen as well as Katherine Heigel.

A little tip from your ol' Uncle Tom...

2007-01-28T22:22:00.000-06:00

...don't see the new movie Smokin' Aces. Why not? Oh, I have a list of reasons...

As you can probably tell from the commercials blasted on NFL programming all last weekend, this is one of those highly stylized, hyper-macho, irritatingly loud rock soundtracked, way-way-way over-the-top, Quentin Taratino knockoffs that were prevlant a few years ago (see also: the work of Guy Ritchie, The Boondock Saints, etc.). Of course, since QT is a genius and, yes, the best filmmaker of his generation, he can do his thing and make great movies and his imitators make, well, The Boondock Saints. OK, the plots of Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction are complicated, but they make sense...
...unlike the plot of Smokin' Aces. There are timeframe/continuity problems at the end of the film, several characters have no relation to the main plot. And the big twists just come out of nowhere and logically, don't relate to the rest of the movie.
Way too many characters. There could have been, quite easily and with no loss the the plot, three "groups" of main characters could have been lost. And because there are too many characters, and since I'm sure the studio wanted this in a dumbass-friendly under-two-hours, each character doesn't get enough screen time to make me give a shit whether they live or die.
Ben Affleck is the top-billed star of the movie. All he does -- all -- is deliver exposition and get killed, 20 minutes into the movie.
Buy a fucking tripod, director! Even in the regular dialogue parts, the camera was shaking all over.
The action scenes were ridiculous, overly complicated, and phonily coreographed.
This director, Joe Carnahan, did Narc, which was good. There are several wonderful shots in the film. He clearly knows how to make a movie. So why is this so bad? It just felt like masturbation on film, like Carnahan just wanted to look cool as opposed to make a good film. How disappointing.

Screw the election, my mind's made up...

2007-01-25T23:21:00.000-06:00

Liz Taylor backs Hillary Clinton in presidential race

Praise Allah for small victories...

2007-01-21T22:01:00.000-06:00

...or at least more of good news/bad news situation(s):

Good news: The Chicago Bears win, sparing me from hearing 8 trillion Katrina/New Orleans-related human interest stories delivered by token female reporters on sports news channels, with sad, plinkly music in the background. (One thing you didn't see much of in the crowd at the Superdome last weekend: black fans. I guess they're all still in Houston.)
Bad news: The Chicago Bears win, sentencing me to innumberable human interest stories about Chicago's loyal, beaten-down fans. Expect plenty of "Da Bears" references.
Good news: The Indianapolis Colts win, which hopefully gets the "can't win in January" monkey off Peyton's back.
Bad news: The Indianapolis Colts win, which means that Peyton will do about twenty more commercials in the next two weeks.

P.J. O'Rourke interview...

2007-01-10T23:38:00.000-06:00

When I can't fall asleep (which is at least once or twice a week) I late-night channel-surf for an hour or so until I get tired. Occaisonally I'll find something interesting which will counteract the TV's intended purpose, like the one time I got to the Weather Channel (my trusty falling-asleep stand-by) and it had a what-if type program on a tornado hitting downtown Dallas, which scared the shit out of me. Anyway, on Sunday night/Monday morning I flipped through to C-SPAN2 and found the tail end of a sit-down interview with one of my favorite authors, P.J. O'Rourke. Luckily for me (and you), C-SPAN streams everything they produce for free. The P.J. interview is here, and it's three hours long, and awesome.

O.C. cancelled!

2007-01-04T14:25:00.000-06:00

Finally FOX pulled the plug on The O.C., which has been on life support creatively for about three years, and now ratings-wise. The big problem with the show, at least the way I saw it, was they never gave the storylines time to breathe. The good storylines seemed rushed, and when they recognized this mistake, they strung out the bad ones (that whole Seth-comic book thing, the Volchok (who the fuck came up with *that* name, BTW?), Kirsten's drinking problem (can't a show ever have a character who just plain likes to drink, with no ill consequences?), etc.) for far too long. It did seem to pick up at the end of last year when Mischa Barton's (easily the worst actress I've ever seen on television, and not hot at all despite her reputation/fame level) character was finally, mercifully killed off. This season has been pretty good as well, but the inexplicably popular Grey's Anatomy (it's a good show, but come on) was moved to its time slot this year proved to be the final death blow. RIP, The O.C., you won't be missed.

Shockingly good Simmons article...

2007-01-04T14:22:00.000-06:00

Bill Simmons has a shockingly good, logical article about the whole McGwire-HOF thing.

Update!

2007-01-03T21:35:00.000-06:00

So for whatever reason my internet connection couldn't read the new blogger site for a while, so that (as opposed to just my indifference, which believe me is still there) is why there haven't been many posts lately. Anyway, I hope to get back to my semi-regular posting schedule soon.

New Wes Anderson...

2006-12-12T15:19:00.000-06:00

Above is the first picture from Wes Anderson's new film, The Darjeeling Limited. It stars Owen Wilson (duh), Jason Schwartzman (yay!), and Adrien Brody (boo) as brothers who inherit a company in India. Or something. And it will be awesome, of course.

Rando McPost...

2006-11-27T23:55:00.000-06:00

Oh, man, I'm seriously procrastinating bad. I have a very large report for my cataloging class that is due in about ten days that I haven't started.
So, apparently the comments were set to moderate on this blog. I just found that feature tonight and approved them. I switched that off, but I left word verification on. Anyway, there was a comment here that needed a reply.
People here are going fucking apeshit over the football. You have to be down here day to day to understand the effect the Cowboys' play has on the area -- if they win, they're going to the Super Bowl and everyone's happy, if they lose, Parcells is the worst coach of all time, all the players are shit, they should dump the rest of the season, and everyone is ready to commit mass suicide on Dealey Plaza. It's insane. Also, there were 46,000+ at Texas Stadium this weekend for a *high school* football game.
Speaking of football, Notre Dame took a big old dump on Saturday. They just don't have the athletes at this point to consistently compete with the state schools and USC.¹ What they should do (and what they're probably doing already, since they're smarter than I am) is identify the smart kids early on and super-recruit them. Unless they're all stupid, which is a distinct possibility, and ND is screwed.
Don't bother with Gilmore Girls this season, it's been god-awful so far. The new producers just can't cut it.
The Wire has been predictably great so far this season.
Scrubs is back on Thursday!
Baseball Hall of Fame voting starts soon. The two most irritating figures from my childhood of sports, Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn, will get in. I cannot stand either of these people.
Ripken should be obvious. Whitebread, bland, always-with-the-creepy-smile, on and on about how he loved the game, blah fucking blah. The establishment media loves this shit and predictably buys into it wholesale. Great, you played a bunch of games in a row. But you were easily the most talented player of your generation and you never became what you could have been if you had just taken a break once or twice a month. You *know* he hurt his team by playing too often and not being fresh by the end of the season. Does any of this get brought up in the mass fellating that his Ripken media coverage?
Gwynn is similar. He is one of those guys who presents a great image of himself, as this jovial, roly-poly, safe for white america black guy, a stance which really irritates me and can't possibly be real.² And as a result, he gets very favorable press, based on his one skill, hitting singles. The fact is that Barry Bonds is about 800x the hitter Gwynn ever was or ever could have been, but you still hear about how Gwynn is the "best pure hitter ever", and that goddamn show of him talking with Ted Williams about the "science of hitting" always gets the nostalgists misty-eyed. Whereas you have Barry Bonds, keeping it real -- he's a dick, he knows it, and he's never tried to hide that fact, something that will always get my respect, if not the general public's.
One thing you can be sure of is that Mark McGwire will not get in on the first ballot. First of all, yes he deserves it. For a good ten+ year stretch, he was the best power hitter in MLB, and that counts for something. But you will hear two reasons why he won't be in. The first is that he only hit homers. That's true, more or less, but he still has 583 of them, despite being hurt a lot. Then there's the steroid thing. What really hurts him (with me and the establishment media) is him pussing out at Congress. From the establishment's standpoint, it was basically an admission of steroid use, which in sports media world even the taint³ (see Sammy Sosa) is a capital offense. My problem is that he should have admitted it (if it was true, which there is still no proof of course) and told Congress to go fuck themselves. But he does deserve to be in the HOF.

Footnotes
1: Speaking of that how the hell does USC have the talent base that they have? They're a good private school, so I would assume they have great admissions standards (which is why Notre Dame, a school I probably couldn't get into (not that I tried), can't get the great recruiting classes of yore). I mean, they are in LA and have an incredibly hot coed fanbase, but something else is going on there...or else Pete Carroll is the greatest recruiter of all time.
2: See also Kirby Puckett.
3: *giggle*...taint...*belly laugh*

Reds have a new pitching coach...

2006-11-08T18:19:00.000-06:00

For a dude as sophisticated as I am, I sure do love juvenile humor, specifically funny-sounding names or words. "Tea bag" and "tossed salad", no matter the context, crack me up. "Pianist" made me laugh for a good 15 minutes the other day. So I couldn't have been more pleased at this headline:

Dick Pole named Reds pitching coach

...

Re-retort...

2006-11-01T00:22:00.000-06:00

Dear Ryan,

Just because you may have used a piece of punctuation in a blog post doesn't mean you have a gimmick. Lots of wrestlers used the leg drop before Hulk Hogan. HOWEVER I don't think it's a coincidence that once ... started up, this happened:

There's a bit of a pattern there, don't you think? (Besides you ripping off Friends' gimmick, I mean.) 9/11 conspiracy theorists have more evidence than this.

Your pal,
Thomas E. Greaves, esq.

Parcells article by Michael Lewis...

2006-10-31T14:47:00.000-06:00

What Keeps Bill Parcells Awake at Night

Michael Lewis the best nonfiction writer going; well, maybe equal with Malcolm Gladwell. I personally like Chuck Klosterman's work better, but almost every article he writes is essentially about him, so I can't really include him in the discussion; I personally respond to it better, but I can make a distinction between the quality of the two. It's like the difference between Bill Simmons and a sportswriter like Gary Smith of Sports Illustrated. Film discussion works this way for me as well. The films I've liked and responded to the best over the past few years are The 40 Year Old Virgin, Kicking and Screaming (Noah Baumbach, not the Will Ferrell abortion), and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, but I can recognize that they aren't "great" films in the sense that say, Citizen Kane or whatever is. (The Third Man is one that combines both; it resonates with me personally and it's "great".) This is probably a false dichotomy that I'm creating here, but whatever. The point is that despite my love for them, I can recognize their flaws.

That gimmick-stealing son of a bitch...

2006-10-31T13:35:00.000-06:00

So I added Ryan's blog's RSS feed to my Firefox bookmarks today, and noticed something odd...

Notice the three dots at the end of every post title? That prick is jacking the gimmick on my shitty blog for use on his shitty blog! Get your own piece of punctuation, Ryan, the ellipsis is taken.

Brief comments...

2006-10-27T21:18:00.000-05:00

...while I watch the World Series. I'll try to keep these to one line on the edit screen. No footnotes either.

In case you're wondering, yes, I am irritated that Sean Casey is playing in the WS now.
I love baseball, but I hate both teams in the WS. I'm watching, but I want everyone to lose.
I don't like this kind of speculation, but Ivan Rodriguez hasn't really been "Pudge" for a while.
I'm glad the beard has made a comeback. Alas, mine doesn't connect.
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown was on tonight. It is the only part of Halloween I like.
Q: How are Dolph and Jay-Z related?
A: Neither's retirement lasted very long.
I want to watch AT&T Home Turf starring Deion Sanders like I want super-lupus.
Re-reading it, my big wedding post is a big embarrasment. I sound like an 16-year old emo kid.
You know, The O.C. starts back next week, and I haven't seen any FOX promos. Odd.
Wait, no, not odd -- the show blows.
Jeff Weaver and his hilariously long blond hair look so out of place in the Midwest.
Okay, Standoff, I'm glad that Ron Livingston is getting work, but when you start ripping off bad Denzel Washington message movies, might be time to hang it up.
If you haven't already, go see The Departed.
The Cardinals currently have an outfield of an old Jim Edmonds, Preston Wilson, and So Taguchi. These are your (probable) 2006 World Champions.
You know, during the Super Bowl, all the Detroit media stories you'd hear were about "rebirth," "renaissance," etc. The very few stories I've heard during the WS have all told the truth; one called Michigan the "Mississippi of the Midwest". Tells you something about the NFL's ability to control the media/stay on message. Or it's nothing.
Broke the rule there. Damn.
ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING "GOD BLESS AMERICA" ALREADY! One superfluous patriotic song a game is more than enough, MLB.
The "up and coming R&B group" that tried to sing the above song is called "Varcity". Really? "Varcity"? That's how the kids roll these days?
Rhetorical question #1: if a pitcher commits an error that leads to a run, why isn't it an ER?
Rhetorical question #2: is this post's theme working for you? Should this be a regular feature? Inasmuch as anything is "regular" on this blog, anyway?
Several one-word reviews of various things:

The Departed: best.
Scrubs reruns: godsend.
The Hold Steady: genius.
Jim Leyland: grizzled.
Tony LaRussa: overrated.
Joe Buck: prick.
Tim McCarver: senile.
Tom Greaves: tiresome.

How do you walk Preston Wilson, Fernando Rodney? He swings at more pitches than Adam Dunn.
I'll be back in the 'nati from Dec. 21-Dec. 27. Set your plans to be snubbed by me now.

That was harder than it looked.

Television + random + procrastination = blog

2006-10-02T23:20:00.000-05:00

...

So I've been thinking about this for a while: I do not like the show How I Met Your Mother. I should like it, since it's only the, what, second¹ respectable² sitcom that actually stars people from my generation. But I just don't, and I think I've figured out why.
1. I don't like the way the show is marketed and hyped to me. I'll handle these in order:
  1. Marketing: I hate, hate, hate anything that is presented to me as speaking for my generation.³ Never, ever trust anyone who claims to speak for you. That includes politicians, artists, teachers, etc.
  2. Hype: People who praise this show to me act like it is just the most groundbreaking show of all time, a non-stop laugh fest. Well, I've seen the show, and it just isn't. It's just okay -- let it be okay. We need okay shows on television. Is the state of the modern television sitcom so bad that shows like this one and Everybody Loves Raymond get praised to high heaven? If these shows were on in the early-to-mid '90s or late '70s-to-early-'80s, when actually great shows⁴ were on, they would barely even register on the radar. I'm not saying the show is shit -- it clearly isn't. This isn't the SAT test; I'm not going to readjust my grading scale just because the general population has gotten dumber.
2. I don't like the looks of the main actor; he looks like if Jimmy Fallon and Zach Braff had a baby. Every time he's on the screen, I either expect him to start giggling and looking at the audience, or staring soulfully into the distance while sad-bastard yuppie-indie music is playing. It's really distracting.
Enough, Zach Braff. Just enough. Stop. No more directing. No more drama. Let me explain this to you as clearly as possible: Garden State sucked.⁵ I would rather contract an incurable case of super-syphillis than go see The Last Kiss. You're not the voice of a generation; if so, I want my generation's larynx crushed. You're great on Scrubs. You're funny, likable, willing to be a nerd.⁶ Stick to roles like that. Or otherwise, go the fuck away.
The Wire started its fourth season this month, and of course it is the best thing on TV. A analogy with The Shield is instructive: The Wire:The Shield :: novel:comic book. Discuss.
Don't ask me about Gilmore Girls. I haven't seen the premiere yet; Stephen's TiVo taped the fucking replay of the fucking Bengals game instead.⁷
Speaking of the Bengals, I hope Nic and Lye have a 24-hour suicide watch on Dolph⁸ after the debacle on Sunday. It's like they just decided not to try after halftime.
So I guess I'm a Bengals fan now. I do not like being a fan -- losing hurts too much. It's not as bad with baseball, since there are 162 games and no shot at winning, but when you know your team can do it and they take a dump just hurts, and I don't like caring that much when there is nothing I can do about it.
G4, the video game channel, is now showing replays of Arrested Development for some reason. I'm not complaining, but it's weird that the same channel that runs game cheat programs also runs the second-finest sitcom of all time.⁹
So the Reds season ended with a whimper. Perhaps - and this is just a shot in the dark - trading your starting shortstop and right fielder, who are also just happen to be two of your five best hitters, for two relievers, one of whom is injured might not be the best use of resources. But hey, Juan Castro is resigned for two more years! And Griffey still wants to play center despite not being able to run! Good times, good times.

Footnotes:
1: Besides, the late, lamented, dearly beloved Undeclared.
2: By this I mean in terms of it is actually possible that this show is good.
3: See also: Garden State. (I'll handle Zach Braff later.)
4: Think Roseanne, Seinfeld, The Simpsons, etc. for the former, Soap, Barney Miller, Taxi, etc.
5: It is one of two movies that represent everything I hate. Also, I'm sure it's real easy to get over serious depression when you're boning Natalie Portman. The rest of us aren't so lucky.
6: This isn't my theory entirely, but I think one reason he made that movie was to try to show how cool he really is. He's portrayed on Scrubs as so aggressively dorky, I'm sure he got sick of it.
7: I hear there are other ways of getting various shows digitally (i.e., BitTorrent). If anyone can get it for me, or tell me how, that would be nice.
8: And that Amy has one on Andy.
9: To The Andy Griffith Show, of course.

Dumbass Bengal Update, and what you can do about it!

2006-09-30T18:04:00.000-05:00

As you've probably heard, yet another Bengal was arrested this week. Unsurpisingly, it was Odell Thurman, getting a DUI and blowing a .17 the night after the win at Pittsburgh.

Oh yeah, Odell was already suspended for the first four games of the year for "violating the NFL's substance abuse policy," one of those wonderfully vague phrases that means so much and so little. (See also: players being suspended for "violating team rules", a press secretary saying "I can neither confirm nor deny that statement".) If it wasn't so hilarious it would be a shame.

There was a mugshot of Henry here, but I edited it out because a) it was too big and b) he's an ugly man.

On a brighter note, Bengals WR Chris Henry was in the car with Odell that night, and puked out the car window. Needless to say, Chris Henry is my favorite Bengal. His litany of stupid acts and utter disregard for his own career warms my heart every time I think about him. Look at what he's done over the past year or so:

Gotten a DUI,
while carrying marijuana,
and driving with an expired license;
Bought a stolen gun,
Waved said stolen gun around in a crowd of people outside a club, a crowd which included a cop;
and (Allegedly) bought some alcohol for underage girls. Sixteen-year-old girls.

It's clear that this man is a genius. Unfortunately, he might be too much of a genius for his own good. Just as the most brilliant people of their generation are persecuted for their brilliance (see Socrates, Cicero, Galileo, etc.), so Chris Henry is being persecuted for just how much he keeps it real. It seems the rest of the world doesn't share my sense of humor and looks down upon Henry's actions. No doubt under heavy pressure from the NFL and the rest of the square community, Marvin Lewis is said to be upset with Henry, even thinking of deactivating him for this week's game against the New England Patriots.

I know what you're thinking -- Chris Henry is a dumbass, and as such he's going to wreck his career because he can't stop doing dumbass shit. That's obviously true, and that's why we, as Cincinnatians, Bengal fans, and appreciators of unintentional comedy, need to help keep Chris Henry -- and the rest of the Bengals -- on the straight and narrow. If you see Chris Henry and Odell Thurman out at a bar in the East End, take their keys and call them a cab, or give them a ride home. If you see Eric Steinbach driving his boat hammered, tell the boat cops you were driving -- take the hit for your team and city. Jump in front of Mattias Askew as he's about to get tasered for not moving his car -- sure, it'll hurt, but he won't be arrested, you will. Tell Frostee Rucker it might not be a good idea to punch his girlfriend in the face, or at least tell the cops it was you. Come on Cincinnati -- the establishment is united against our fun-loving, probably guilty, team. Let's get their collective backs.

What a coincidence -- so do I!

2006-09-18T12:22:00.000-05:00

Johansson Likes Her Hourglass Figure

...

Updating the neglected blog...

2006-09-16T01:32:00.000-05:00

So I've been busy. Here's an update with a new twist...footnotes!¹ (They aren't interlinked. You're just going to have to scroll down. TFS.²)

So we had Ryan's "bachelor party"³ in Chicago⁴ on Labor Day weekend, hosted by one Justin Hunt.
It should go without saying that I absolutely love Chicago. It fits all of my categories in city-liking: large⁵, lots of stuff to do⁶, easy-to-use, rail-based public transportation system⁷, heavily Catholic⁸, seasons, etc.
I flew into O'Hare after working the early shift at the library. I had to get a taxi to Justin and Sarah's apartment, a 15-20 minute drive. But, it costs time-and-a-half because Elmhurst isn't inside Chicago city limits⁹. Sounds like a scam to me, but what am I going to do?
Saturday was the big day. We el'd it down to Addison and saw a Cub game. They played the Giants¹⁰ and promptly lost. I hate the fucking Cubs more than life itself¹¹, so I was happy. Ann's dad met us there. To get the entire Wrigley experience, I had an Old Style Light¹².
We then went to a bar in Wrigleyville¹³ for a bit and watched college football.
Then we went downtown.¹⁴ We walked down to the lake in Millenium and Grant Parks, and saw the Buckingham Fountain¹⁵, among other things.
Then we tried to get dinner. We first tried Giordano's, a deep-dish place...with a 2-hour wait. Right around the corner was a sushi/Thai place, which hit the spot.
Then it was back up to Wrigleyville for the Improv Olympic theater's show, Cupid Has a Heart On¹⁶.
Then back up to Justin's on the el. There were a couple of girls on the train who were looking a little woozy. Two stops before ours, one of the girls bolts for the door and yacks right on the platform. Luckily her friend pushed her out the door before they shut.¹⁷
Sunday was our chill day. We did go to a casino, however.¹⁸ Justin won a bunch of money¹⁹, and Ryan lost money²⁰. I won $6.²¹
The last event was eating dinner at Justin's restaurant. Very nice -- I had the prime rib²².
Then I made Justin wake up at 6 to take me to the airport. Not every story has an ending has happy as this one, people.²³
Then last Friday I went back to Da 'Nati for Ryan and Ann's²⁴ wedding. For some reason, I booked the super-early flight out of DFW, which meant I had to be ready to go at 520 am, after working and school on Thursday.
After seeing various family members, I headed to the rehearsal. The wedding was at Bellarmine Chapel at Xavier, then the dinner was a Buca di Beppo²⁵ in Rookwood.
Then a bunch of us decided to get all nostalgic and go to Dana Gardens.²⁶
Next day I went to Ryan and Ann's new house in Kennedy Heights.²⁷ It's very nice, with a spacious basement just large enough for a cot.
Ryan had graciously picked up Justin and my tuxedos, so we changed there for pictures. Oh, and I had a migraine, which made everything just wonderful.²⁸ On the positive side, it gave me an excuse to have someone else drive.
So we took the pictures at Eden Park²⁹, competing with (I think) three other weddings. We took all the pictures there, including the group photos, which meant Ryan and Ann saw each other before the wedding.³⁰
They also had the receiving line³¹ before the wedding, which almost caused a huge problem of starting late.
I only fucked up once. In the initial walking-down-the-aisle, Ryan's sister Kelly and I were supposed to wait for the priest and Ryan to get up to the front. Well, we started early, and were about halfway down the aisle when Ryan got up there. Oh well.
Justin and I got cigars on our way to the reception. That was held at the 20th Century Theater in the heart of Oakley. An inspired choice of venue, since...
The balcony was open to the wedding party, so I had a place to hide while the people I didn't know³² had fun.³³
Justin, Ryan and I smoked said cigars³⁴ in celebration afterwards. Ryan had to leave for Maui in the morning, so he abandoned his stogie halfway through.
Sarah stepped up and smoked the rest though, and we sat talking in the Oakley esplanade until 2. A very nice capper to an interesting night.
Oh, Justin and Sarah are now engaged.³⁵
Sunday I caught up with family. I attended my cousin Chris' football game and later had dinner with my Dad and Grandma.
I had to work early Monday, so I took the 545 am flight out of Cincy in the morning, which meant I had to wake up at 340 to take a shower. The airport was shockingly crowded that early. So, I had to go to be pretty early for me, at 945 or so. Just as I was falling asleep, right in between sleep and awakeness, my brother gets home and thinks it's a good idea to wake me and talk to me. When I'm in this state of sleep, I startle very easy. So Joe breaks in, and says

"Hey Tom --"

I shoot up out of bed and say

"WHAT! WHAT! WHAT!"

"Tom, I just wanted to say --"

"WHAT! HUH! WHAT DO YOU WANT!"

"What's wr--"

"GET OUT!"

"Okay..."

"GET OUT!"

"Okay..."

And that was all I saw of my brother. And I'm shaking at this point, totally freaked out, and I don't get back to sleep until 1.
So that was my weekends.

Footnotes:
1: Yes, I've been reading David Foster Wallace lately. Sue me.
2: This stands for Tough Fucking Shit.
3: "Bachelor party" is in quotes because it wasn't much of a bachelor party, just me, Justin, and Ryan. Well, and Justin's friend Rob one night.
4: Actually, Elmhurst, IL, where Justin and Sarah live.
5: I know Cincinnati doesn't fit this.
6: This either.
7: The beloved "el".
8: I was dragged to an off-brand¹ church on Easter, and there I fully developed my personal theology: I'm a Catholic atheist. I don't believe in all that "God" and "Jesus" stuff, but I like the weirdness of Catholicism: the saints, the stone-age approach to sexuality...it's fun. Plus, since I don't have a dominant ethnicity, I need a group to identify with.
9: Obviously.
10: And Barry Bonds even played! And hit a homer! I think Justin and I were the only people in our section who cheered for him². Some douche heckled Justin, but he shut him up with a Sosa reference.
11: This post should explain why³.
12: Tasted like piss, but I have one of their t-shirts.
13: Bar drama is awesome. There were a few drunk girls there, so naturally some dumbass will try to hit on them...until the boyfriend shows up. Hi-larious.
14: My suggestion, and a hit.
15: Of Married...With Children fame.
16: The show was musical comedy, not straight improv. Some funny bits, a thumbs-up overall.⁴
17: This may or may not be what actually happened; just my recollection of the events.
18: Grand Victoria Casino in Elgin, IL.⁵
19: As usual.
20: Ditto.
21: I am an awful gambler⁶, mainly because I'm a pussy⁷.
22: Not as good as The Palm's, but what is?
23: Overall, a great weekend, bringing back memories of great, do-nothing college weekends involving the same three participants.
24: I've already told that story.⁸
25: Probably the last time I'll ever go there. The food was fine, but the place was filled with a bunch of faux-kitschy shit that just sort of creeped me out.
26: In case you're wondering⁹, it is still a shithole. Same old dirty-ass Dana's.¹⁰
27: Riding the first wave of gentrification...Ryan is a pioneer!
28: Caused by a combination of four things: I mixed alcohol¹¹ the night before, too much sleep¹², no coffee, and no food. Cured by a couple Excedrin Migraines and a pint of chocolate milk.¹³
29: Well, it was supposed to be Ault Park, but there was a private party there.
30: Ryan told a "funny" anecdote about the priest at Bellarmine¹⁴ saying it was good to get rid of old superstitions. I said that was rich coming from a Catholic priest.¹⁵
31: I hid in the corner of the lobby, of course.
32: i.e., essentially everyone.¹⁶ The one person who I had hoped was going to come (and RSVP'd) didn't.¹⁷
33: Here's the part where I'm going to explain myself. I had something of a romantic hope¹⁸ for the weekend, involving one person¹⁹. I had always thought this person and I had something of a connection, but typically I never did anything. However, she essentially ignored me the whole weekend -- so fuck it, oh well, water under the bridge, etc.²⁰ But I met another girl that weekend²¹ who turned out to be super cool. And the shitty thing about this situtation, and that gets me down before anything even starts, is that I had been running in the same circles as this girl for like six years and I didn't even bother to meet her.²² Well, today's going to be different...except for the fact that I'm not exactly the best at many many things²³, prominent among them talking to women. So anyway, I'm up on the stage eating, and guess what? This person has brought a date. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Now I'm going into that bad place. Now I'm refilling my champagne glass to the brim. Now I'm walking to the bar and ordering a Rolling Rock and going upstairs. Alone. What makes this situation even worse is that dude wasn't even a date, just a tagalong; the guy left early. And I had an entry. I had an opportunity. Towards the end of the evening, the DJ²⁴ put on my favorite song of all time²⁵ on, "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye. This is my time, right? I look down into the crowd and she's sitting alone. All I need to do is my biggest hurdle: do something. I should have done something, fucking anything instead of drinking alone. And it didn't happen, and I'll probably never see this person again, at least not in the same way.²⁶
34: My cigar experience was just okay. I'm thinking seriously about getting a (tobacco) pipe.
35: That's right, I'm the last one standing.

Footnote Footnotes
1: i.e., Protestant.
2: Most were heckling him. Some asshole¹ kept yelling "Steroids...Steroids..." Like really -- Barry Bonds? Steroids? This is the first I've heard of such a thing! Come on hecklers, be creative.
3: Why are Cub fans so damn loyal? They have sucked -- sucked! -- for the last 50 years. Christ, the Reds sucked for barely ten and fans are abandoning them in droves. Yeah, Wrigley is super cool, but that can't explain the whole thing.
4: This was almost ruined by the end, where the cast hugged the audience members. That's like my nightmare.²
5: Elgin is the weirdest town. Way out in the suburbs, but damn near 100% Hispanic.
6: And poker player.
7: I am very afraid of losing money, even when I had money to lose.
8: Christ that post is embarassing. I sound like such an asshole.
9: And since I'm the only person who reads this blog, I am.
10: Ryan said they refurbished the tables recently, but they're still carved up like always.
11: Cranberry/vodka(s), a sambuca³, and a few beers.
12: 10 hours, straight through. Just incredible, but I paid for it.
13: An underrated hangover/headache cure.
14: Your typical modern Jesuit: an ex-hippie in a Roman collar. This one had absolutely no sense of humor, though.
15: My comedic high point of the weekend.
16: I'm not complaining; it wasn't my party, and no one forced me to attend. I'm just explaining the situation.
17: He's out, probably for good.
18: Why do I do this? They never end well.
19: I'm not going to name this person, because, well, this is embarassing enough.⁴
20: Although I was texting one Randolph Diemar about this situation while it happened. He gave me the advice to go after this particular person, saying "Get down there and be Tom Selleck tonight".⁶ I was too far gone to do anything however.
21: op cit.
22: Even more reason for me to rue my early twenties.
23: Audience participation time! List some other things I suck at in the comments.⁵ I know you can do it.
24: A poor performance overall. He repeated a couple songs, played the fucking chicken dance when expressly told not to, and played "Golddigger". At a fucking wedding. It almost made me want to bring DJ Ointment out of retirement.⁷
25: Arguably.
26: That was a long footnote. I should probably delete it, because I will regret it tomorrow. But it needs to be said, and this is as good a place as any. The weird thing about this situation is that I've been feeling good lately. I like my job a great deal and the lows haven't been crater-deep like they have. But again, my biggest problem is getting myself to do something.

Footnote Footnote Footnotes
1: Not the same asshole who heckled Justin.
2: Sitting in the front row + strangers + touching = a big bag of anxiety for Tom.
3: An Italian liqueur (sp?).
4: Not that if you're unfamiliar with the situation it isn't easy enough to figure out. More of an Encyclopedia Brown case rather than Nero Wolfe.
5: I'll get you started: video games, blogging, driving.
6: The best advice he has ever given me.
7: Probably not good for a wedding though. I hear he only spins modal jazz and hardcore East Coast drug rap these days.

Happy Happy Time...

2006-08-25T11:59:00.000-05:00

...to two of my favorites.

Jeff Tweedy, the brains behind my all-time favorite band Wilco, turns 39 today. Words cannot express just how much Tweedy's music has meant to me over the years.

Stuart Murdoch, the lead singer-songwriter of the brilliant Scottish band Belle & Sebastian, turns 38 today. I only recently "discovered" their wonderfulness. You may remember them being made fun of by Jack Black in High Fidelity:

Barry: Holy shite. What the fuck is that?
Dick: It's the new Belle and Sebastian...
Rob: It's a record we've been listening to and enjoying, Barry.
Barry: Well, that's unfortunate, because it sucks ass.

...and later:

[Rob turns off Barry's tape]
Barry: OK, buddy, uh, I was just tryin' to cheer us up so go ahead. Put on some old sad bastard music, see if I care.
Rob: I don't wanna hear old sad bastard music, Barry, I just want something I can ignore.
Barry: Here's the thing. I made that tape special for today. My special Monday morning for *you*... special.
Rob: Well, it's fuckin' Monday afternoon! You should get out of bed earlier!

I think I like them because they are sad-bastard music, but sad-bastard music crossed with 60s and 70s pop influences. (Christ that sounded pretentious.) Anyway, I've been really digging them lately.

Various and sundry...

2006-08-13T13:39:00.000-05:00

Man, this summer has been dead as far as TV goes. The best show I've seen has been The Hills, a spinoff of Laguna Beach. I highly recommend both shows - they are sort-of reality shows, in that they star actual people, but the scenes are staged and more or less scripted. Virtually nothing happens on either show - they talk about things, and I guess stuff happens, but I'm not sure. They are still addicting. The best character on the shows is Jason, a teenage lothario who juggled like three girls on Laguna Beach before dating LC, who is the "star" of spinoff. He's a giant douchebag, of course, but he somehow attracts all these girls despite being a total dick. He's either ignoring them or apologizing to them. Stephen and I think he's brilliant. He's also a giant cokehead; always disappearing into the bathroom with his "friends", and scratching his nose all the time.
Because of this, I subscribed to Netflix. It is of course, awesome. Random movie thoughts:

Brick: high-schoolers speaking in Raymond Chandler-esque language. A
Metropolitan: a Whit Stillman film, which means lots of talking and not much plot. These types of films are like movie crack for me. A-
The Long Goodbye: Altman's adaptation of a Raymond Chandler book, updated to '70s LA. Great stuff, not to everyone's taste however. A
Wet Hot American Summer: Irony overload. A parody of summer-camp films by the guys from The State and Stella. Way, way overhyped, but Paul Rudd is predictably awesome. C-
The Constant Gardener: Two hours of how America and large corporations suck. I live in America, so I already know it sucks. C
Tristram Shany: A Cock and Bull Story: Sort of a mockumentary-ish, British film about filmmaking. If it's quirky and British, I'm all over it. A-
Election: High school and election satire. Reese Witherspoon's finest moment. A-
Magnolia: PT Anderson, 3 hours, John C. Reilly, and Tom Cruise in his only good acting performance ever. A
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: directed by the guy who wrote Lethal Weapon and other 80s/90s action movies. It's a deconstruction of and a good action movie at the same time. A-

Saw Talledaga Nights in the theater. Absolutely brilliant. It's Anchorman on wheels, but I'm fine with that. Best comedy since 40 Year Old Virgin. Not as good as that one, but still funny as hell.
Got a job. With the Richland Hills, TX Public Library. Stop in, and I'll pretend I don't know you.

Groan...

2006-07-11T00:19:00.000-05:00

Is there any worse television program than the Home Run Derby? Let me count the reasons...

It's excruciatingly long. You've got 14 at-bats of at least 10 pitches. Add in all the no-swings, and it's probably 20 minimum. That leaves a lot of time to kill...
Chris Berman. Who likes his schtick? Is there anyone out there who still giggles at "backbackback...GONE" screamed over and over and over? Or the stunningly awful last name puns that haven't been funny since 1994? Why is this man still employed?
The rest of the ESPN announcing crew. I really want to love Joe Morgan. He's the best 2B of all time, he's smart and well-spoken, he's a Cincinnati legend (I have a half-suspicion that my brother was named after him), and he's onery...I should be this guy's #1 fan...but he just says some dumbass shit. Like how Jose Reyes, the Mets' slap-hitting SS, is their MVP, over David Wright (who was "batting" at the time), and Carlos Beltran, who wasn't even mentioned. Harold Reynolds is a poor man's Joe Morgan - not half the player Joe was, and far dumber. And John Kruk. (That's all I have to say on that one, just his name.)
The douchebag first-timer all-stars who are sitting there with video cameras. I realize this is a most likely once-in-a-lifetime event, something you've been dreaming of your whole life, but come on - you're a professional baseball player, act fucking cool.
MLB's pathetic attempt to pimp their all-star jersey's by making the players wear those instead of their team uniforms.
Oh, God, if I have to hear Chris Berman's voice one more time...

...

Congratulations are in order...

2006-06-25T12:46:00.000-05:00

...on Ryan and Ann buying a house. It comes furnished, apparently. And there's an unfinished basement, but all I need is a cot and a direct entrance.

Soccer in America...

2006-06-25T11:33:00.000-05:00

I generally root against the US national team in soccer. Why? Well, for one I'm very anti-hype. Every World Cup we get the same old stories about how the US is now a solid respectable soccer nation and we'll have a good team in 10 years, once the generation of young players that grew up playing soccer comes of age. Back in '94, that was supposed to be my generation (1978-82-ish). Add 4-5 years to that is what we got in '98, then keep going until now, which means we're going to win the World Cup in 2022 or something. I'm also offended by the notion that I should only care about a sport because there happens to be Americans who are good at it. (Tennis coverage also works like this.) The media proves it by hiring American announcers who know jack-shit about soccer to announce the world cup (see O'Brien, Dave). If Univision had an HD feed, I'd be watching the England-Ecuador game now in Spanish. Here's the thing -- we're not that good at soccer, and we probably won't ever be that good.

This post gives a list of reasons about why Americans aren't good. I responded over there, but I want to expand that some more. Here's what I think:

Americans don't give a shit about soccer. Brazil is so good because they have the largest population of any soccer-playing nation, giving them about a 90-million deep talent pool to draw from. It's that deep because soccer is by far the #1 sport there. You combine the interest here in baseball, football, and basketball and you have an inkling of how big soccer is. The same deal exists for other big soccer countries: Argentina, Germany, England, Italy, France (to an extent), etc. In the US soccer is what, the 5th biggest team sport? Football is obviously #1, baseball and basketball are probably equal, and then comes hockey. (Hockey isn't that popular overall, put it does have an intense cult that really likes it and will follow it anywhere.)
For that reason comes my next point: there's no money in professional soccer domestically. Salaries in the MLS are roughly equivalent to what you could make doing IT work or selling insurance or whatever. The top guys only get $100-200K a year. By comparison, the minimum salary in the main sports is at least double that. Why are salaries in those sports so high? Because there a great deal of spectator interest in those sports, allowing them to fill stadiums, sell merchandise, and get billions of dollars from TV. Until the MLS gets popular enough to start doing that, salaries are going to remain (comparatively) low. Money also creates more opportunities. There's only 10 MLS teams, compared to 32 NFL teams, 30 MLB, and 30 NBA. Plus there are more college scholarships for those sports.
Because they don't care and there's no money in it, our best athletes don't choose soccer. One of the reasons we're so good at sports is because we have a huge, racially and genetically diverse talent pool to draw from and the money to properly train those athletes. But because of the low interest level and the lack of a good financial incentive, soccer gets a lower class of athletes than the other team sports. Take for instance, Allen Iverson. Whatever his negatives as a basketball player, I think everyone can agree that he is an amazing athlete. He's incredibly fast, can control his body wonderfully while at high speeds and in heavy traffic, can control the basketball in those same situations, has an instinctive feel for scoring, and is a very tough person besides. Those are natural abilities he brings to the table as an athlete, and if he'd been born in Hampton, England instead of Hampton, VA he'd have a chance to be a brilliant soccer player instead of a brilliant basketball player. He'd have grown up playing playground soccer instead of playground basketball and developed soccer-specific skills instead of basketball skills. And in some alternate universe where soccer is as big in the US as it is as big in Brazil or England, Iverson is the US' #1 striker instead of Brian McBride, Chris Paul is playing midfield instead of Landon Donovan, and Troy Polamalu is our best defender, not Oguchi Onyewu. That universe doesn't exist, and I can't see soccer ever becoming huge in America. It's just too late.

...

TV Stuff...

2006-05-18T22:59:00.000-05:00

The CW network (UPN + WB = CW) went ahead and cancelled Everwood. Not a surprise, but I'm still pissed. Here's why: they're keeping 7th Heaven and One Tree Hill.
Ryan and I used to like 7th Heaven for some reason, but it is morally shrill and just a plain fucking weird show. Like, the main character is a minister, but they never, ever mention Christianity. Also, the show promotes teenage marriage/parenthood, and just hates adoptive parents; they had this one episode where the minister talked a teenage mother out of giving up her kid for adoption and marrying the father, portraying the potential adoptive parents as lazy and greedy. How fucked up is that?
And One Tree Hill is just loathesome in every possible way. The show is a 3rd-rate Dawson's Creek clone, right down to the overbearing, light-pop soundtrack. And oh, don't get me started on Chad Michael Murray, a sub-zero talent WB creation.
He's been groomed for "stardom" by the WB for about 6 years, having significant supporting roles on Gilmore Girls and Dawson's Creek. He's the one who married his (super-hot, BTW) co-star (Sophia Bush), fucked Paris Hilton, and got divorced after 6 months, and is now engaged to a 17-year-old high school student who is an extra on the show. This motherfucker will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. And it will come.
Gilmore Girls had its season finale last week. The creators, Amy Sherman-Palladino and her husband Daniel Palladino are leaving the show. The last couple of seasons have sucked, so I'm happy to see them go. They completely fucked up the Luke/Lorelai relationship, a slam-dunk if there ever was one, by introducing, of all things, a secret kid for Luke. Now here's the thing -- the kid lives in Stars Hollow. It's a tiny fucking town in Connecticut, and Luke impregnates this woman, how fucking plausible is it for him not to have known about this? Come on, these people are in each other's asses on the most minute shit, Luke runs a fucking diner that the whole town attends, and no one says, "Hey Luke, you remember that girl you used to date? She had a kid right after you two broke up."
The Office had its season finale, and did it right. All the storylines from the first couple seasons were wrapped up: Michael gets a girlfriend, Jim tells Pam he loves her, etc. And there's a cliffhanger, with Jim's impending transfer. And as if you didn't need any further confirmation of his genius, Steve Carell wrote the episode.
Scrubs also had a cliffhanger, with JD apparently impregnating his new girlfriend. This season was weird as hell. Just a bunch of goofy jokes: the Dr. Acula movie, floating-head doctor, Turk's kung-fu fight, the Todd's omnisexuality. On the other hand, it had the happiest ending to an episode ever, when Turk and Carla told everyone they were pregnant. Just watch that one, and try not to smile.
The O.C. still sucks, although they went a long way toward fixing it with the killing off of Mischa Barton (aka the worst actress on television)'s character.
Arrested Development is still cancelled. Fuck you, FOX.

Program alert...

2006-05-11T14:13:00.000-05:00

...if you have the Discovery Times channel, check out Word Wars tonight at 8/7. It's a documentary about competitive Scrabble players, and a lot more interesting than it sounds. You can view these players as the darkside future of the kids from that spelling bee documentary that was out a few years ago (and was really god as well).

Wes Anderson Amex Ad...

2006-04-27T01:03:00.000-05:00

...Stephen and I were thoroughly confused and delighted when we saw the new Wes Anderson-directed American Express ad. It's like a mini-film:

Waco...

2006-04-20T23:08:00.000-05:00

Today is the 13th anniversary of the ATF/FBI's massacre at the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, TX. The documentary Waco: The Rules of Engagement lays out our government's multiple crimes, from the bogus search warrant, the unnecessary television-orchestrated paramilitary raid on the compound, the FBI's bungled attempts at negotiation, the final assault, burning, and murder of those inside, and the bipartisan cover-up. No government agent was ever brought up on charges; all the surviving Davidians were acquitted of murder and attempted murder. This makes me sick and ashamed to be an American.

List of cities I would move to, pt. 2...

2006-04-15T17:24:00.000-05:00

There were a couple missing from the first list, as well as no international cities.

Burlington, VT
Omaha, NE
Anchorage, AK
Juneau, AK
Honolulu, HI
Toronto, ON
Montreal, QC
Quebec, QC
Canary Islands, Spain
Madeira, Portugal
Azores, Portugal
Porto, Portugal
Lisbon, Portugal
Madrid, Spain
Seville, Spain
La Coruna, Spain
anywhere in Basque Country, Spain
Barcelona, Spain
Valencia, Spain
Gibraltar
Baleric Islands, Spain
Bourdeax area, France
Brittany area, France
Normandy area, France
French Riviera
Burgundy area, France
Ireland (anywhere)
Belfast, Northern Ireland
Isle of Man, UK
Glasgow, Scotland
Edinburgh, Scotland
Wales (anywhere)
England (anywhere)
Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Bavaria, Germany (anywhere)
Frankfurt, Germany
Berlin, Germany
Prague, Czech Republic
Bratislava, Slovakia
Austria (anywhere)
Zurich, Switzerland
Bern, Switzerland
Geneva, Switzerland
French Alps area
Italy (anywhere)
Lubljana, Slovenia
Budapest, Hungary
Warsaw, Poland
Vilnius, Lithuania
Riga, Latvia
Tallinn, Estonia
Helsinki, Finland
Stockholm, Sweden
Copenhagen, Denmark
Oslo, Norway
Reykjavik, Iceland
Kiev, Ukraine
Malta
Singapore
Hong Kong
Taipei, Taiwan
Tokyo, Japan
Brisbane, Australia
Sydney, Australia
Canberra, Australia
Melbourne, Australia
New Zealand (anywhere)
Turks and Caicos
San Juan, PR
US Virgin Islands
UK Virgin Islands
Anguilla
Antigua
Barbados
Bermuda
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Montevideo, Uruguay
Santiago, Chile

Dum-dum-dum, dum-dum...

2006-03-28T14:16:00.000-06:00

Arrested Development is probably gone for good. Showtime had a deal where they would pick up the show for 26 eps/2 years, but Mitch Hurwitz (the show's creator) doesn't want to do it anymore. 'Tis a sad day for television -- at least we have the DVD's.

Later, Wily Mo...

2006-03-23T23:00:00.000-06:00

Well, the Reds traded Wily Mo Pena, the Dominican man-child outfielder, this week. Well, what did they get for him, you ask? A shitty-music-playing, groupie-fucking, dreadlocked asshole of a pitcher, Bronson Arroyo. That's it. One pitcher for one of the most interesting outfield prospects that's come along in a while. Do you mean to tell me that this is the best Krivisky could do?

Arroyo is a league-average pitcher. Well, okay, that makes him automatically the second or third best pitcher on staff. But, Arroyo is a flyball pitcher. The last flyball pitcher the Reds signed? That's right, my pal Eric Milton.

Something that's gone largely unheard in the wake of this fiasco is the first base situation. Before the trade, Adam Dunn was going to move to first following the Sean Casey trade. A positive move, one they should have made a couple years ago in fact -- it allowed them to put Pena, Kearns and Dunn on the field at once. The outfield defense would have been atrocious -- Kearns was hurt too much early in his career and hasn't developed as a defender, Griffey has lost a ton of range and was overrated to begin with, and Wily Mo, well, he's Wily Mo -- barely concious -- but getting rid of the out machine that was Sean Casey would have more than made up for it.

Now what do we have? The Reds mysteriously signed Scott Hatteberg, the A's former 1B'r, as a backup. Now, given Narron's veteran fetish, you knew that wasn't going to last. Dunn will be back in left, and Hatteberg starting on opening day, just watch. Hatteberg can't hit. His OPS+ last year was 79. That means his OPS was 79% that of an average player. That's any player, and Hatteberg is a first baseman -- the position where you shove your shitty defenders who can stroke the ball (see Thomas, Frank, Thome, Jim, etc.). That's why Dunn was going to move there. Hatteberg is obviously not going to hit well, and he'll have to be benched. So who's next? Rich Aurilla was told to get a first baseman's glove, that's who's next. Are the Reds trying to give me a fucking stroke?

The correct move would be to put Chris Denorfia, the sole prospect in the Reds' organization who is even remotely close to the majors, in left and leave Dunn at first. That won't happen of course. If they're concerned with Dunn at first, there has to be a minor league free agent or a Rule 5 guy they could have picked up who can hit better than Hatteberg or Aurilla. This lack of imagination is why the Reds will likely be condemmed to mediocrity for the the forseeable future.

(Oh, and as if you needed any further proof this is a bad move, Ryan is in favor of it.)

Why the hell not?

2006-03-16T13:34:00.000-06:00

...I'll do an NCAA live blog. I should be doing homework, but whatever. All times CST.

4:57 - That's it for the afternoon games. I might start a new one later on tonight. Peace, bitches.

4:56 - Alabama 90-85 Marquette. Turned into a good game there. 5-for-7, with one of my 16 down.

4:55 - Novak misses a wide open 3 with 8 seconds left, and Marquette has to foul. They're done, looks like. Meanwhile, Montana 87-79 Nevada. 5-for-6. (cue the Charlie Brown sad music, and picture me walking away with head down.)

4:51 - Novak misses a turnaround jumper with 30 secs left and Marquette down one. Marquette has to foul. 19 secs left, Bama dude hits both. Marquette down three.

4:48 - The things you learn from Dick Enberg: The Marquette coach's wife is Jim Harbaugh (ex-Bears and Colts QB)'s sister.

4:45 - Novak for Marquette (think Scott Padgett, except good) gets Marquette within 1.

4:43 - J.Felix for Alabama is 8-11 for 3's today. Marquette down by 4, 2:20 left.

4:37 - Not very long, it looks like. Marquette is down by 10 with 4 left, Nevada down by 9 with 2:23 left.

4:31 - The Pontiac commericial just asked me to "Google Pontiac" and showed a picture of the Google home page. Did Google get any $$$ from that? I haven't heard of this anywhere.

4:27 - Oh yeah, 5-for-5 now. How long can my luck last? Stay tuned.

4:25 - Hail Mary play fails, Tennesse 63-61 Winthrop. If anyone is still convinced Tennessee deserved that 2 seed, they are dumb.

4:22 - Winthrop game is on the analog feed. Holy shit, some guy on Tennesse just hit an off-balance, long 2 off an in bounds play. Super ballsy, Tennessee up by 2, 0.4 seconds left.

4:19 - Tip dunk works this time, Marquette up by 1! Go Catholics!

4:16 - Winthrop/Tennessee tied at 61, 21 seconds left. Marquette is back within 1, 12:39 left. Nevada is still down to Montana, goddamn 5 seeds.

4:15 - Florida 76-50 S. Alabama. 4-for-4!

4:14 - Speaking of The Sopranos, I really liked the premiere on Sunday. Word is, this season is going to unfold Pulp Fiction-style; i.e., the premiere was actually the finale, and the rest of the season is showing what led up to Uncle Jun shooting Tony. I think that would make sense. They are doing 12 eps now, then 8 more in December (IIRC), so the 8 left over could be the aftermath of the Tony shooting.

4:07 - Looks like S.Alabama is toast, down 24 with 2 minutes left. Winthrop up by 1, 3:30 left! Why can't I watch that game!

4:05 - Marquette is crawling back, dueling 3's and they're down by 6.

4:03 - In the realtors commercial, they say "they live by a code of ethics." I watch The Sopranos, and so does the Mafia. Just saying.

4:00 - Anyone else watch that Big Love show on after the Sopranos?

3:56 - now we're back to Marquette - Alabama. Switch it back, CBS! Just because we're in the south doesn't mean I want to see this game!

3:53 - they just cut to commercial in the middle of a posession. Fucking CBS.

3:52 - This game is awesome. Up-and-down the court, intense and physical as hell. This is why people hate the NBA and prefer college basketball.

3:48 - They flipped over to Winthrop-Tennessee and it's in HD too! Tied up, 10:30 left in the 2nd. I hope they stay on this game.

3:41 - Alabama 44-30 Marquette at the half. Marquette is not playing well at all.

3:36 - Unintentional comedy alert! A Marquette guy just tried a tip dunk and was blocked...by the rim.

3:35 - If you're wondering why I was so pissed about no HD, it's because HD sports is that much better. It's like the difference between black & white and color.

3:26 - Alabama up 15, 5 min. left. Also, Montana is up by 8 on Nevada in the battle of Western state schools. Oh, I have Nevada in the 16, so fuck.

3:23 - Clarification on the SA uniform entry. I don't mind plain/basic uniforms; I love the Penn State/Notre Dame/USC football unis, or the Yankees'. But those just look like they got them out of Eastbay.

3:15 - Marquette guy just did the "jump-and-throw ball back in off the other guy as it goes out of bounds" on some other dude. Except he threw it as hard as he possibly could. I laughed.

3:11 - Marquette is not playing well. down by 11, 10 left in the first. 6 turnovers to Alabama's one.

3:06 - Florida 31-25 S.Alabama at the half, closer than expected. SA has the most generic uniforms ever - blue with "Jaguars" on the front. They look like a high school team, not a D1 tourney team.

3:00 - Winthrop is keeping it shockingly close - only down by 2, almost the half.

2:57 - Deadspin is right - Jay Bilas does look like GOB.

2:55 - I'm weak. I can't focus on the game without announcers. Back to the analog feed.

2:52 - Screw it, I'm going to the HD feed. Alabama's coach has the ugliest crimson jacket on. Looks like some shit Bob Knight wore back in the 70's.

2:49 - the analog feed has sound.

2:48 - CBS switched to the Alabama - Marquette game...in HD! Jay Bilas and Dick Enberg are doing commentary. Dick Enberg is like everyone's grandpa - going on tangents that make no sense at all. His best sport is tennis, however. No sound yet, BTW. Great job, CBS.

2:37 - Here's something weird. The Superficial, one of the dirtiest celebrity gossip blogs, has CatholicMatch.com as a BlogAd. I clicked on it.

2:35 - There is a look-in on Tennessee-Winthrop. Winthrop is keeping it close early. Tennessee deserves a 2 seed like West Wing deserved all those Emmys. Which is to say, not at all.

2:32 - The hugely entertaining Ted Ferguson Bud Light ads are on today. In a shocking development, Ted Ferguson was actually available to make a PA at the Dallas St. Patrick's Day parade last weekend. I'm really astounded that he was available. (The parade was a ton of fun, except we got there late. I got sunburned bad. And drunk. Really drunk.)

2:30 - It's a shame Florida is so good, because I hate Billy Donovan. Here's a rule to live by, kids - never ever trust anyone with slicked-back black hair.

2:25 - What do you think the admission requirements are for the University of South Alabama? I can't imagine they're as selective, as, say, Xavier or UNT, who weren't selective at all. There's a joke in here somewhere.

2:22 - Now we're on Florida - South Alabama. Still no HD.

2:18 - The Defamer post said this is the first time SP has been censored by Comedy Central. Not true - there was an episode a few years back that featured Cartman tricking Butters' parents into beating him that CC won't air anymore.

2:17 - Done! 88-76 BC. Way way way closer than it should have been. 3-for-3, bitches!

2:16 - BC up by 9, 53 seconds left. Done?

2:15 - News from Defamer: Tom Cruise "allegedly" personally threatened Comedy Central into pulling the South Park Scientology episode that was supposed to air last night.

2:11 - HUGE dunk by BC. Up by 7 with 2:30 left.

2:09 - Quit whoring yourself out, Coach K. It just makes people (not me) hate you more.

2:06 - Xavier plays Gonzaga at 7:20 (ET?) tonight. Some smartass in my group named his picks "Xavier - One and done". Like we didn't know that? Where the fuck is the heathen UC?

2:05 - Smith at the line, 2 shots, BC down 2. Just made the first. And the second! Double OT!

2:03 - 12 seconds left BC down 2, they just called a timeout. An Army Reserve commercial is on. The son and dad are shooting pool and discussing the son's impending enlistment. Do sons and fathers shoot pool? The only thing my dad and I ever really did together was either yell at each other or go to gun shows.

2:00 - Should I have a drink this early? If anyone is reading this real-time, put your answer in the comments.

1:56 - Pacific just hit two fast break threes in a row and are up by 6 with 2:30 or so left in OT. Fuck you, Al Skinner.

1:55 - Oh yeah, there's a bomb scare in San Diego. The bomb dogs hit on a suspicious package in a hot dog cart. I'm no expert, but I know that dogs generally like hot dogs. (I want to work a Anchorman reference in here, but I'm at a loss.)

1:49 - What a shock, OT.

1:48 - Wait, BC called a timeout with 0.2 sec. left. Christ, just call it. They don't have time to catch and shoot.

1:45 - BC's star Smith just walked. You suck, Al Skinner, and you have stupid facial hair. OT.

1:43 - Christ, BC is close with Pacific. BC-Sweet 16 may have been a mistake, but I got caught up in the hype, and my natural allegience to Catholic schools. Pacific just tied it up with 9 seconds left.

1:41 - Oklahoma went down hard to UW-Milwaukee. 2-for-2, bitches!

1:40 - Ryan's fiancee Felicia, er, Ann never gave me a reason why Butte, MT sucks.

1:37 - Wichita State has just won. I'm one-for-one so far. How long is that going to stay? Not long, I'll bet.

1:36 - I'm in my Aunt and Uncle's living room and the laptop is on a shaky TV tray. I'm in the living room, and not the game room upstairs, so I can watch the HD feed. And guess what? CBS, in its infinite wisdom, isn't broadcasting these games in HD. Fucking hell.

List of cities I would move to...

2006-03-02T15:41:00.000-06:00

I mentioned in a previous post that I have a list of cities I would move to. Here it is in no particular order:

Cincinnati
Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex
Austin, TX
San Antonio
Albuquerque, NM
Santa Fe, NM
Flagstaff, AZ
San Diego
the Los Angeles metropolitan area (including Orange County)
Monterey, CA
Santa Cruz, CA
the San Francisco Bay area
Eugene, OR
Corvallis, OR
Portland, OR
the Seattle-Tacoma-Olympia, WA area
Vancouver, BC
Spokane, WA
Missoula, MT
Butte, MT
Cheyenne, WY
Fort Collins, CO
Boulder, CO
Denver, CO
Fargo, ND
Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
Kansas City, MO
St. Louis, MO
Milwaukee, WI
Chicagoland, IL-WI-IN
Indianapolis, IN
Louisville, KY
Columbus, OH
Cleveland, OH
Pittsburgh, PA
Detroit, MI
Erie, PA
Philadelphia, PA
Buffalo, NY
Syracuse, NY
Albany-Troy-Schenectady, NY
NYC
Long Island, NY
any large city in Connecticut
Providence, RI
Boston, MA
anywhere in New Hampshire
Baltimore, MD
Washington DC
Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill, NC
Asheville, NC
Charleston, SC
Savannah, GA
Jacksonville, FL

RIP Harry Browne...

2006-03-02T15:39:00.000-06:00

The first presidential candidate I voted for, Harry Browne of the Libertarian Party, died today. I had a bumper sticker of his on the Black Hammer (RIP as well), my first (and favorite) car.

I hope Dolph has an alibi...

2006-03-02T13:05:00.000-06:00

Bomb threat forces Steelers out of theater

...

RIP, Barney Fife...

2006-02-25T19:41:00.000-06:00

Don Knotts, the greatest TV sidekick of all time, died today. The Andy Griffith Show was the best sitcom of all time (even better than Seinfeld, Perfect Strangers, and yes, even Arrested Development, and loads better than Ryan's favorite program of all time, Arlis$), and a seminal program of my youth. It was (and still is IIRC) on every day in Cincinnati at 12:30 and 1:00 on channel 64. (A little-known fact is that Don was a hardcore swinger in late '60s, early '70s Los Angeles (seriously).)

Super Bowl thoughts...

2006-02-05T23:02:00.000-06:00

Any other team besides the Steelers I would have rather seen win, including the Bengals...

Hey, did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?
Christ, what an awful game, even for an NFL game. The commercials weren't even good, and there was a break every 2 minutes it seemed like.
Fuck Hines Ward. Kimo von Oelhoffen should have won the MVP for blowing out Carson Palmer's knee. That doesn't happen, Bengals win that game.
Hey, did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?
The Steelers are the closet dirtiest team in the NFL, going back to the Greg Lloyd days. After every play, they step over the dude and talk shit. It doesn't get reported because they have a white coach with an impressive jawline, so that fools media into thinking he's a disciplinarian. Fucking Cowher, biggest fraud in the NFL.
The sole good thing about Super Bowl week was Chuck Klosterman's blog. Klosterman is great -- he's like Bill Simmons with talent.
Hey, did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?
I watched The Life Aquatic again last night. It gets better every time I see it; it's probably up to an A- now.
Detroit is a hellhole. Don't belive the hype. They have the highest unemployment rate of any big city in the nation (14%, higher than France even), it is built on an industry that is dying in America (GM & Ford are near bankruptcy and have junk bond ratings, Delphi (GM's parts division) is in bankruptcy, and Chrysler is owned by Germans), and much of downtown is burnt out. That said, it is on the list of cities to which I'd move (oh yes, I have a list).
Hey, did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?

Your Super Bowl alternative...

2006-02-05T22:53:00.000-06:00

The Puppy Bowl!!! How did I not find out about this earlier?

Dumbass Bengal Update...

2006-01-31T13:12:00.000-06:00

Bengals rookie WR Chris Henry got arrested last night in Orlando for pulling a gun on some dude right in front of a cop. Oh, and the gun was stolen. You might remember Henry hitting the dumbass trifecta in December when he was arrested in Covington for 1) driving with expired tags 2) driving with an expired license and 3) marijuana possession.

Who knew...

2006-01-31T12:48:00.000-06:00

...that Lisa Loeb had such a nice ass?

Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy...

2006-01-19T00:09:00.000-06:00

Noted whiny asshole Danny Graves isn't looking well:

Maybe it's a bad angle, but this was a nice pick-me-up...

Underrated...

2006-01-16T00:26:00.000-06:00

So I'm waiting for school to start up (on Tuesday) and I've been thinking about stuff. Generally pop culture, as usual. Anyway, a term that gets bandied about a lot is "underrated," especially in the sports world, where lazy journalists use it like a crutch holding up whatever shaky point they might be making. My definition of the word is "something that is really good, but not flashy-good or extraordinary-good that it stands out; you take it for granted." Here's a brief list of underrated things:

TOBACCO DELIVERY SYSTEM - the pipe. Not as pretentious or cliched as a cigar, and doesn't have the social stigma of the cigarette, the pipe just looks super-cool and classy, even when it isn't being smoked. Only drawback is that it might be a bit too rare these days.
DESK ACCESSORY - the rip-off-a-day calendar. It's kind of nice having something to wake up and do each morning, even if it's something as banal as tearing a piece of paper from a pad on a stand.
PROCRASTINATION TOOL - the snooze button. I've snoozed for upwards of three hours before. That's right -- hitting the button every nine minutes for three hours before finally getting my ass out of bed.
ENTERTAINMENT DEVICE - video games (in general). What the hell did people do before video games? I can't even begin to imagine what college dorm life would have been without video games...what would I have done with my time? Studied? Fuck, I graduated cum laude without studying much. Gotten high with Lyle and Nic? Yeah, probably that one.
TELEVISION CHANNEL - ESPNews. That's right, ESPNews. Need to kill a half hour? ESPNews is your ticket. The previous day's sports highlights condensed into a half hour, plus the running bar on the bottom that provides more info than the actual presenters. Only problem is that they are starting more original programming, but that bar at the bottom is gold.
CLOTHING ACCESSORY - the belt. I always took the belt for granted until I left mine at home when I went to JAX for my cousin Jackie's wedding. Even with my big ass, my fuckin' pants were falling down all weekend.

That's all I have at the moment. Not that anyone reads this shitty blog, but post any you might have in the comments.

Scrubs tonight...

2006-01-03T13:08:00.000-06:00

The 2nd best sitcom on television, Scrubs, returns tonight with two new episodes. The programming geniuses at NBC, who brought you Joey, Fear Factor, Will and Grace, the cancellation of Newsradio, The US version of Coupling, Wings, and other questionable television programs, decided that the best course of action would be to use its best show as a midseason replacement.

To be fair to NBC, it has been on a hot streak of late, with My Name Is Earl and the US The Office slotting in as the third and fourth best sitcoms on TV. (If you have to guess what is the best, you haven't been reading this shitty blog very long.) Stephen and I came up with a great idea that NBC can have for free. It can pick up Arrested Development and put it on Thursdays and have a block of My Name Is Earl - The Office - Scrubs - Arrested Development which would easily be the best night on television.

Congratulations are in order...

2005-12-29T21:24:00.000-06:00

Ryan finally proposed to Felicia, er, Ann last week. There is a photo of the ring on his blog (linked above). Doesn't he know platinum is the new gold?

DIGRESSION!

Interestingly, I was present when they hooked up. The summer between my junior and senior years at XU, Ann was interning at Convergys with Justin. Most of her friends were out of town for the summer, so she started hanging out with Justin, Ryan, and me. About mid-July, Ann had a party at her house. Justin, Ryan, and I had dinner at Don Pablo's on the river beforehand. Normally this wouldn't be interesting, but on this occaision, Ryan and Justin had a big fight while Justin was trying to park the "ho," causing Ryan to get out of the car (and presaging their epic fight later that year, when they didn't speak to each other for months yet still completed several Madden seasons, a truly amazing feat when you think about it). Anyway, we picked up a 30-pack of Icehouse (our preferred beer at the time, due to its low cost and high alcohol content) at Party Source (god, how I miss Party Source) and went to Ann's for the party.

It broke up fairly early and Justin and I sat on Ann's porch finishing the 30. We had one of those very long, drunken philosophical conversations you tend to have when you're lonely, bored, and think you're brilliant; Justin had just broken up with the annoying girl (whose name escapes me) he had been dating, and I'm always up for drunken (or otherwise) philosphizing (which explains my friendship with Dolph), and I'm always lonely. Anyway, about two or three hours deep, we're ripped off our asses, out of beer, and we notice Ryan and Ann hadn't come out to join in. We look back through Ann's front window and see them sitting on the couch, close. We were both kinda shocked, because Ryan isn't known for being particularly proactive, especially in the post-Teresina sad bastard phase he was going through at this time. Justin goes back inside to throw away our empties and says to Ryan, "We're getting ready to leave." Ryan says "Okay." Justin and I went home.

Ryan didn't come home all night, which is just as well since I slept on his bed. The next morning I had the worst fucking hangover of my life; Icehouse is a harsh mistress. Justin and I got breakfast at First Watch, and I couldn't even finish it I was so hungover.

In any event, the rest is history. Why the long digression? I'm not really sure. Maybe I'm overly personalizing this event which really has nothing to do with me, but my feelings on this are...bittersweet? I don't know if that's the right word. Anyway, in the past year and a half there have been several events that sort of shocked me into realizing how old I am, and how little I've actually accomplished in my 25 years.

The first was moving out of the Ferdinand house with Ryan and into an apartment alone. The spring of 2004 was an odd one for me. I had stopped smoking pot and started to think about the future. That was when I first got the notion of moving down to DFW. I applied to UNT, but they fucked up my application and didn't give me an answer until June. Well, my job wanted an answer if I was going to stay or not and the lease was running out, so I decided to defer my application unit fall 2005. Well by that time Ryan had gotten an apartment of his own, so I had to get one or else move back in with my dad, and fuck that. The honest truth is that I missed living with Ryan. He can be annoying as hell, but we had fun goddammit. And after we moved out - and I knew this would happen - we stopped talking. The problem is that we're too alike in many ways. Remember how I said above about how Ryan isn't very proactive? Well neither am I. And I've been in a sad bastard-phase since like 1998. Ryan and I saw each other maybe four times in year before I moved, and I talked to him maybe two other times.

The next time was Jim and Kristen's wedding. Jim is my age (actually about a year older, but same grade anyway), he's married, has a career, has a house, has a new car, and now he's married. I had (and have) none of those things. Plus, with Jim getting married, he does married stuff, like dinner parties and shit. I'm not a dinner party guy. I'm not even a party guy. So I don't see Jim anymore.

Spring 2005, I got my high school's alumni newsletter in the mail. I like the newsletter because I'm a bit of a voyeur and I like knowing what people I know are doing with themselves, preferably without having to actually talk to them. I in the back there is a section that gives updates on graduates. In the marriage section I see that the girl I dated in high school - the only girl I've ever had a meaningful relationship with - is now married. Well how wonderful for her. A few weeks later I saw my buddy Jeff Hengehold out at a bar. He knows this particular girl as well, so he tells me she's married. I know that already. He goes on further to say that she's also pregnant. I'm really okay with both of these things. But it does make me a little sad at my own position in life.

And now Ryan and Ann are getting married. I really am happy for them. I still consider Ryan my brother. But I haven't seen or spoken to him in six months. I don't even know if we're still friends; I mean I guess we are, but I'm not sure. I know it can't always be the year after college , when I'm with Justin and Ryan every day practically and Lyle and Nic and Dolph live five minutes away. But I'm 25 years old, I'm in college again, this time for a subject that I think I don't even really like, I'm living in my Aunt and Uncle's spare room, and I have no girlfriend or friends. Forgive me a little nostalgia. But the core thing is, I need to get my shit together. I've been putting it off a long time.

. . .

So this irritated me...

Philosophical question #1...

"Best of" lists...

"Rated"-ness...

Nothing.

I guess this makes me feel a little better about the whole thing...

Filler post #8,238...

A-Rod, Barry Bonds, steroids, professional sports, etc...

Movies of my life...

TV in 2008...

My best of 2008...

Xmas...

My xmas list...

The worst television show of all time?

Negative post...

Positive post...

The albums of my life...

Dusty Baker's lineup...

How many different groups can Mike Myers offend?

Boring, tiresome rehashes of events in my life...

A heartfelt plea...

Dusty Baker and Adam Dunn...

Jeff Keppinger and Ken Griffey, Jr....

Muppets + Wes Anderson =

I miss the hell out of Marty Brennaman...

Stephen wants this so very badly...

What are you doing on March 30?

Hey! NCAA Live Blog '08

Random...

So I'm conflicted...

Lock your weed and cars, people of Cincinnati...

Mr. Tony...

Another The Wire post....

The Wire is back...

My best of 2007...

Big bag of crap...

This poor bastard...

The Christ-I'm-sick-of-the-City-of-Boston edtion...

A little tip from your ol' Uncle Tom...

Wes Anderson update...

2007 Colonel James Memorial Award Winner...

Get well soon, Owen Wilson...

Media update...

No, I cannot wait...

RIP Mr. Wizard...

Same old shit...

Jesus!

Baseball!!!

A little tip from your ol' Uncle Tom...

AWESOME

Operation NCAA Live Blog 2007

Oh man, who the hell do I cheer for?

So what are you bitches giving up for Lent?

Taking time out from exams to deliver the single greatest sports story ever...

Creepy Justin...

Randomalia...

New Judd Apatow...

A little tip from your ol' Uncle Tom...

Screw the election, my mind's made up...

Praise Allah for small victories...

P.J. O'Rourke interview...

O.C. cancelled!

Shockingly good Simmons article...

Update!

New Wes Anderson...

Rando McPost...

Reds have a new pitching coach...

Re-retort...

Parcells article by Michael Lewis...

That gimmick-stealing son of a bitch...

Brief comments...

Television + random + procrastination = blog

Dumbass Bengal Update, and what you can do about it!

What a coincidence -- so do I!

Updating the neglected blog...

Happy Happy Time...

Various and sundry...

*Groan*...

Congratulations are in order...

Groan...