Saturday, September 30, 2006
Dumbass Bengal Update, and what you can do about it!
As you've probably heard, yet another Bengal was arrested this week. Unsurpisingly, it was Odell Thurman, getting a DUI and blowing a .17 the night after the win at Pittsburgh.
Oh yeah, Odell was already suspended for the first four games of the year for "violating the NFL's substance abuse policy," one of those wonderfully vague phrases that means so much and so little. (See also: players being suspended for "violating team rules", a press secretary saying "I can neither confirm nor deny that statement".) If it wasn't so hilarious it would be a shame.
There was a mugshot of Henry here, but I edited it out because a) it was too big and b) he's an ugly man.
On a brighter note, Bengals WR Chris Henry was in the car with Odell that night, and puked out the car window. Needless to say, Chris Henry is my favorite Bengal. His litany of stupid acts and utter disregard for his own career warms my heart every time I think about him. Look at what he's done over the past year or so:
I know what you're thinking -- Chris Henry is a dumbass, and as such he's going to wreck his career because he can't stop doing dumbass shit. That's obviously true, and that's why we, as Cincinnatians, Bengal fans, and appreciators of unintentional comedy, need to help keep Chris Henry -- and the rest of the Bengals -- on the straight and narrow. If you see Chris Henry and Odell Thurman out at a bar in the East End, take their keys and call them a cab, or give them a ride home. If you see Eric Steinbach driving his boat hammered, tell the boat cops you were driving -- take the hit for your team and city. Jump in front of Mattias Askew as he's about to get tasered for not moving his car -- sure, it'll hurt, but he won't be arrested, you will. Tell Frostee Rucker it might not be a good idea to punch his girlfriend in the face, or at least tell the cops it was you. Come on Cincinnati -- the establishment is united against our fun-loving, probably guilty, team. Let's get their collective backs.
Oh yeah, Odell was already suspended for the first four games of the year for "violating the NFL's substance abuse policy," one of those wonderfully vague phrases that means so much and so little. (See also: players being suspended for "violating team rules", a press secretary saying "I can neither confirm nor deny that statement".) If it wasn't so hilarious it would be a shame.
There was a mugshot of Henry here, but I edited it out because a) it was too big and b) he's an ugly man.
On a brighter note, Bengals WR Chris Henry was in the car with Odell that night, and puked out the car window. Needless to say, Chris Henry is my favorite Bengal. His litany of stupid acts and utter disregard for his own career warms my heart every time I think about him. Look at what he's done over the past year or so:
- Gotten a DUI,
- while carrying marijuana,
- and driving with an expired license;
- Bought a stolen gun,
- Waved said stolen gun around in a crowd of people outside a club, a crowd which included a cop;
- and (Allegedly) bought some alcohol for underage girls. Sixteen-year-old girls.
I know what you're thinking -- Chris Henry is a dumbass, and as such he's going to wreck his career because he can't stop doing dumbass shit. That's obviously true, and that's why we, as Cincinnatians, Bengal fans, and appreciators of unintentional comedy, need to help keep Chris Henry -- and the rest of the Bengals -- on the straight and narrow. If you see Chris Henry and Odell Thurman out at a bar in the East End, take their keys and call them a cab, or give them a ride home. If you see Eric Steinbach driving his boat hammered, tell the boat cops you were driving -- take the hit for your team and city. Jump in front of Mattias Askew as he's about to get tasered for not moving his car -- sure, it'll hurt, but he won't be arrested, you will. Tell Frostee Rucker it might not be a good idea to punch his girlfriend in the face, or at least tell the cops it was you. Come on Cincinnati -- the establishment is united against our fun-loving, probably guilty, team. Let's get their collective backs.
Labels: football
Monday, September 18, 2006
What a coincidence -- so do I!
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Updating the neglected blog...
So I've been busy. Here's an update with a new twist...footnotes!1 (They aren't interlinked. You're just going to have to scroll down. TFS.2)
Footnotes:
1: Yes, I've been reading David Foster Wallace lately. Sue me.
2: This stands for Tough Fucking Shit.
3: "Bachelor party" is in quotes because it wasn't much of a bachelor party, just me, Justin, and Ryan. Well, and Justin's friend Rob one night.
4: Actually, Elmhurst, IL, where Justin and Sarah live.
5: I know Cincinnati doesn't fit this.
6: This either.
7: The beloved "el".
8: I was dragged to an off-brand1 church on Easter, and there I fully developed my personal theology: I'm a Catholic atheist. I don't believe in all that "God" and "Jesus" stuff, but I like the weirdness of Catholicism: the saints, the stone-age approach to sexuality...it's fun. Plus, since I don't have a dominant ethnicity, I need a group to identify with.
9: Obviously.
10: And Barry Bonds even played! And hit a homer! I think Justin and I were the only people in our section who cheered for him2. Some douche heckled Justin, but he shut him up with a Sosa reference.
11: This post should explain why3.
12: Tasted like piss, but I have one of their t-shirts.
13: Bar drama is awesome. There were a few drunk girls there, so naturally some dumbass will try to hit on them...until the boyfriend shows up. Hi-larious.
14: My suggestion, and a hit.
15: Of Married...With Children fame.
16: The show was musical comedy, not straight improv. Some funny bits, a thumbs-up overall.4
17: This may or may not be what actually happened; just my recollection of the events.
18: Grand Victoria Casino in Elgin, IL.5
19: As usual.
20: Ditto.
21: I am an awful gambler6, mainly because I'm a pussy7.
22: Not as good as The Palm's, but what is?
23: Overall, a great weekend, bringing back memories of great, do-nothing college weekends involving the same three participants.
24: I've already told that story.8
25: Probably the last time I'll ever go there. The food was fine, but the place was filled with a bunch of faux-kitschy shit that just sort of creeped me out.
26: In case you're wondering9, it is still a shithole. Same old dirty-ass Dana's.10
27: Riding the first wave of gentrification...Ryan is a pioneer!
28: Caused by a combination of four things: I mixed alcohol11 the night before, too much sleep12, no coffee, and no food. Cured by a couple Excedrin Migraines and a pint of chocolate milk.13
29: Well, it was supposed to be Ault Park, but there was a private party there.
30: Ryan told a "funny" anecdote about the priest at Bellarmine14 saying it was good to get rid of old superstitions. I said that was rich coming from a Catholic priest.15
31: I hid in the corner of the lobby, of course.
32: i.e., essentially everyone.16 The one person who I had hoped was going to come (and RSVP'd) didn't.17
33: Here's the part where I'm going to explain myself. I had something of a romantic hope18 for the weekend, involving one person19. I had always thought this person and I had something of a connection, but typically I never did anything. However, she essentially ignored me the whole weekend -- so fuck it, oh well, water under the bridge, etc.20 But I met another girl that weekend21 who turned out to be super cool. And the shitty thing about this situtation, and that gets me down before anything even starts, is that I had been running in the same circles as this girl for like six years and I didn't even bother to meet her.22 Well, today's going to be different...except for the fact that I'm not exactly the best at many many things23, prominent among them talking to women. So anyway, I'm up on the stage eating, and guess what? This person has brought a date. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Now I'm going into that bad place. Now I'm refilling my champagne glass to the brim. Now I'm walking to the bar and ordering a Rolling Rock and going upstairs. Alone. What makes this situation even worse is that dude wasn't even a date, just a tagalong; the guy left early. And I had an entry. I had an opportunity. Towards the end of the evening, the DJ24 put on my favorite song of all time25 on, "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye. This is my time, right? I look down into the crowd and she's sitting alone. All I need to do is my biggest hurdle: do something. I should have done something, fucking anything instead of drinking alone. And it didn't happen, and I'll probably never see this person again, at least not in the same way.26
34: My cigar experience was just okay. I'm thinking seriously about getting a (tobacco) pipe.
35: That's right, I'm the last one standing.
Footnote Footnotes
1: i.e., Protestant.
2: Most were heckling him. Some asshole1 kept yelling "Steroids...Steroids..." Like really -- Barry Bonds? Steroids? This is the first I've heard of such a thing! Come on hecklers, be creative.
3: Why are Cub fans so damn loyal? They have sucked -- sucked! -- for the last 50 years. Christ, the Reds sucked for barely ten and fans are abandoning them in droves. Yeah, Wrigley is super cool, but that can't explain the whole thing.
4: This was almost ruined by the end, where the cast hugged the audience members. That's like my nightmare.2
5: Elgin is the weirdest town. Way out in the suburbs, but damn near 100% Hispanic.
6: And poker player.
7: I am very afraid of losing money, even when I had money to lose.
8: Christ that post is embarassing. I sound like such an asshole.
9: And since I'm the only person who reads this blog, I am.
10: Ryan said they refurbished the tables recently, but they're still carved up like always.
11: Cranberry/vodka(s), a sambuca3, and a few beers.
12: 10 hours, straight through. Just incredible, but I paid for it.
13: An underrated hangover/headache cure.
14: Your typical modern Jesuit: an ex-hippie in a Roman collar. This one had absolutely no sense of humor, though.
15: My comedic high point of the weekend.
16: I'm not complaining; it wasn't my party, and no one forced me to attend. I'm just explaining the situation.
17: He's out, probably for good.
18: Why do I do this? They never end well.
19: I'm not going to name this person, because, well, this is embarassing enough.4
20: Although I was texting one Randolph Diemar about this situation while it happened. He gave me the advice to go after this particular person, saying "Get down there and be Tom Selleck tonight".6 I was too far gone to do anything however.
21: op cit.
22: Even more reason for me to rue my early twenties.
23: Audience participation time! List some other things I suck at in the comments.5 I know you can do it.
24: A poor performance overall. He repeated a couple songs, played the fucking chicken dance when expressly told not to, and played "Golddigger". At a fucking wedding. It almost made me want to bring DJ Ointment out of retirement.7
25: Arguably.
26: That was a long footnote. I should probably delete it, because I will regret it tomorrow. But it needs to be said, and this is as good a place as any. The weird thing about this situation is that I've been feeling good lately. I like my job a great deal and the lows haven't been crater-deep like they have. But again, my biggest problem is getting myself to do something.
Footnote Footnote Footnotes
1: Not the same asshole who heckled Justin.
2: Sitting in the front row + strangers + touching = a big bag of anxiety for Tom.
3: An Italian liqueur (sp?).
4: Not that if you're unfamiliar with the situation it isn't easy enough to figure out. More of an Encyclopedia Brown case rather than Nero Wolfe.
5: I'll get you started: video games, blogging, driving.
6: The best advice he has ever given me.
7: Probably not good for a wedding though. I hear he only spins modal jazz and hardcore East Coast drug rap these days.
- So we had Ryan's "bachelor party"3 in Chicago4 on Labor Day weekend, hosted by one Justin Hunt.
- It should go without saying that I absolutely love Chicago. It fits all of my categories in city-liking: large5, lots of stuff to do6, easy-to-use, rail-based public transportation system7, heavily Catholic8, seasons, etc.
- I flew into O'Hare after working the early shift at the library. I had to get a taxi to Justin and Sarah's apartment, a 15-20 minute drive. But, it costs time-and-a-half because Elmhurst isn't inside Chicago city limits9. Sounds like a scam to me, but what am I going to do?
- Saturday was the big day. We el'd it down to Addison and saw a Cub game. They played the Giants10 and promptly lost. I hate the fucking Cubs more than life itself11, so I was happy. Ann's dad met us there. To get the entire Wrigley experience, I had an Old Style Light12.
- We then went to a bar in Wrigleyville13 for a bit and watched college football.
- Then we went downtown.14 We walked down to the lake in Millenium and Grant Parks, and saw the Buckingham Fountain15, among other things.
- Then we tried to get dinner. We first tried Giordano's, a deep-dish place...with a 2-hour wait. Right around the corner was a sushi/Thai place, which hit the spot.
- Then it was back up to Wrigleyville for the Improv Olympic theater's show, Cupid Has a Heart On16.
- Then back up to Justin's on the el. There were a couple of girls on the train who were looking a little woozy. Two stops before ours, one of the girls bolts for the door and yacks right on the platform. Luckily her friend pushed her out the door before they shut.17
- Sunday was our chill day. We did go to a casino, however.18 Justin won a bunch of money19, and Ryan lost money20. I won $6.21
- The last event was eating dinner at Justin's restaurant. Very nice -- I had the prime rib22.
- Then I made Justin wake up at 6 to take me to the airport. Not every story has an ending has happy as this one, people.23
- Then last Friday I went back to Da 'Nati for Ryan and Ann's24 wedding. For some reason, I booked the super-early flight out of DFW, which meant I had to be ready to go at 520 am, after working and school on Thursday.
- After seeing various family members, I headed to the rehearsal. The wedding was at Bellarmine Chapel at Xavier, then the dinner was a Buca di Beppo25 in Rookwood.
- Then a bunch of us decided to get all nostalgic and go to Dana Gardens.26
- Next day I went to Ryan and Ann's new house in Kennedy Heights.27 It's very nice, with a spacious basement just large enough for a cot.
- Ryan had graciously picked up Justin and my tuxedos, so we changed there for pictures. Oh, and I had a migraine, which made everything just wonderful.28 On the positive side, it gave me an excuse to have someone else drive.
- So we took the pictures at Eden Park29, competing with (I think) three other weddings. We took all the pictures there, including the group photos, which meant Ryan and Ann saw each other before the wedding.30
- They also had the receiving line31 before the wedding, which almost caused a huge problem of starting late.
- I only fucked up once. In the initial walking-down-the-aisle, Ryan's sister Kelly and I were supposed to wait for the priest and Ryan to get up to the front. Well, we started early, and were about halfway down the aisle when Ryan got up there. Oh well.
- Justin and I got cigars on our way to the reception. That was held at the 20th Century Theater in the heart of Oakley. An inspired choice of venue, since...
- The balcony was open to the wedding party, so I had a place to hide while the people I didn't know32 had fun.33
- Justin, Ryan and I smoked said cigars34 in celebration afterwards. Ryan had to leave for Maui in the morning, so he abandoned his stogie halfway through.
- Sarah stepped up and smoked the rest though, and we sat talking in the Oakley esplanade until 2. A very nice capper to an interesting night.
- Oh, Justin and Sarah are now engaged.35
- Sunday I caught up with family. I attended my cousin Chris' football game and later had dinner with my Dad and Grandma.
- I had to work early Monday, so I took the 545 am flight out of Cincy in the morning, which meant I had to wake up at 340 to take a shower. The airport was shockingly crowded that early. So, I had to go to be pretty early for me, at 945 or so. Just as I was falling asleep, right in between sleep and awakeness, my brother gets home and thinks it's a good idea to wake me and talk to me. When I'm in this state of sleep, I startle very easy. So Joe breaks in, and says
"Hey Tom --"
I shoot up out of bed and say
"WHAT! WHAT! WHAT!"
"Tom, I just wanted to say --"
"WHAT! HUH! WHAT DO YOU WANT!"
"What's wr--"
"GET OUT!"
"Okay..."
"GET OUT!"
"Okay..."
And that was all I saw of my brother. And I'm shaking at this point, totally freaked out, and I don't get back to sleep until 1. - So that was my weekends.
Footnotes:
1: Yes, I've been reading David Foster Wallace lately. Sue me.
2: This stands for Tough Fucking Shit.
3: "Bachelor party" is in quotes because it wasn't much of a bachelor party, just me, Justin, and Ryan. Well, and Justin's friend Rob one night.
4: Actually, Elmhurst, IL, where Justin and Sarah live.
5: I know Cincinnati doesn't fit this.
6: This either.
7: The beloved "el".
8: I was dragged to an off-brand1 church on Easter, and there I fully developed my personal theology: I'm a Catholic atheist. I don't believe in all that "God" and "Jesus" stuff, but I like the weirdness of Catholicism: the saints, the stone-age approach to sexuality...it's fun. Plus, since I don't have a dominant ethnicity, I need a group to identify with.
9: Obviously.
10: And Barry Bonds even played! And hit a homer! I think Justin and I were the only people in our section who cheered for him2. Some douche heckled Justin, but he shut him up with a Sosa reference.
11: This post should explain why3.
12: Tasted like piss, but I have one of their t-shirts.
13: Bar drama is awesome. There were a few drunk girls there, so naturally some dumbass will try to hit on them...until the boyfriend shows up. Hi-larious.
14: My suggestion, and a hit.
15: Of Married...With Children fame.
16: The show was musical comedy, not straight improv. Some funny bits, a thumbs-up overall.4
17: This may or may not be what actually happened; just my recollection of the events.
18: Grand Victoria Casino in Elgin, IL.5
19: As usual.
20: Ditto.
21: I am an awful gambler6, mainly because I'm a pussy7.
22: Not as good as The Palm's, but what is?
23: Overall, a great weekend, bringing back memories of great, do-nothing college weekends involving the same three participants.
24: I've already told that story.8
25: Probably the last time I'll ever go there. The food was fine, but the place was filled with a bunch of faux-kitschy shit that just sort of creeped me out.
26: In case you're wondering9, it is still a shithole. Same old dirty-ass Dana's.10
27: Riding the first wave of gentrification...Ryan is a pioneer!
28: Caused by a combination of four things: I mixed alcohol11 the night before, too much sleep12, no coffee, and no food. Cured by a couple Excedrin Migraines and a pint of chocolate milk.13
29: Well, it was supposed to be Ault Park, but there was a private party there.
30: Ryan told a "funny" anecdote about the priest at Bellarmine14 saying it was good to get rid of old superstitions. I said that was rich coming from a Catholic priest.15
31: I hid in the corner of the lobby, of course.
32: i.e., essentially everyone.16 The one person who I had hoped was going to come (and RSVP'd) didn't.17
33: Here's the part where I'm going to explain myself. I had something of a romantic hope18 for the weekend, involving one person19. I had always thought this person and I had something of a connection, but typically I never did anything. However, she essentially ignored me the whole weekend -- so fuck it, oh well, water under the bridge, etc.20 But I met another girl that weekend21 who turned out to be super cool. And the shitty thing about this situtation, and that gets me down before anything even starts, is that I had been running in the same circles as this girl for like six years and I didn't even bother to meet her.22 Well, today's going to be different...except for the fact that I'm not exactly the best at many many things23, prominent among them talking to women. So anyway, I'm up on the stage eating, and guess what? This person has brought a date. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Now I'm going into that bad place. Now I'm refilling my champagne glass to the brim. Now I'm walking to the bar and ordering a Rolling Rock and going upstairs. Alone. What makes this situation even worse is that dude wasn't even a date, just a tagalong; the guy left early. And I had an entry. I had an opportunity. Towards the end of the evening, the DJ24 put on my favorite song of all time25 on, "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye. This is my time, right? I look down into the crowd and she's sitting alone. All I need to do is my biggest hurdle: do something. I should have done something, fucking anything instead of drinking alone. And it didn't happen, and I'll probably never see this person again, at least not in the same way.26
34: My cigar experience was just okay. I'm thinking seriously about getting a (tobacco) pipe.
35: That's right, I'm the last one standing.
Footnote Footnotes
1: i.e., Protestant.
2: Most were heckling him. Some asshole1 kept yelling "Steroids...Steroids..." Like really -- Barry Bonds? Steroids? This is the first I've heard of such a thing! Come on hecklers, be creative.
3: Why are Cub fans so damn loyal? They have sucked -- sucked! -- for the last 50 years. Christ, the Reds sucked for barely ten and fans are abandoning them in droves. Yeah, Wrigley is super cool, but that can't explain the whole thing.
4: This was almost ruined by the end, where the cast hugged the audience members. That's like my nightmare.2
5: Elgin is the weirdest town. Way out in the suburbs, but damn near 100% Hispanic.
6: And poker player.
7: I am very afraid of losing money, even when I had money to lose.
8: Christ that post is embarassing. I sound like such an asshole.
9: And since I'm the only person who reads this blog, I am.
10: Ryan said they refurbished the tables recently, but they're still carved up like always.
11: Cranberry/vodka(s), a sambuca3, and a few beers.
12: 10 hours, straight through. Just incredible, but I paid for it.
13: An underrated hangover/headache cure.
14: Your typical modern Jesuit: an ex-hippie in a Roman collar. This one had absolutely no sense of humor, though.
15: My comedic high point of the weekend.
16: I'm not complaining; it wasn't my party, and no one forced me to attend. I'm just explaining the situation.
17: He's out, probably for good.
18: Why do I do this? They never end well.
19: I'm not going to name this person, because, well, this is embarassing enough.4
20: Although I was texting one Randolph Diemar about this situation while it happened. He gave me the advice to go after this particular person, saying "Get down there and be Tom Selleck tonight".6 I was too far gone to do anything however.
21: op cit.
22: Even more reason for me to rue my early twenties.
23: Audience participation time! List some other things I suck at in the comments.5 I know you can do it.
24: A poor performance overall. He repeated a couple songs, played the fucking chicken dance when expressly told not to, and played "Golddigger". At a fucking wedding. It almost made me want to bring DJ Ointment out of retirement.7
25: Arguably.
26: That was a long footnote. I should probably delete it, because I will regret it tomorrow. But it needs to be said, and this is as good a place as any. The weird thing about this situation is that I've been feeling good lately. I like my job a great deal and the lows haven't been crater-deep like they have. But again, my biggest problem is getting myself to do something.
Footnote Footnote Footnotes
1: Not the same asshole who heckled Justin.
2: Sitting in the front row + strangers + touching = a big bag of anxiety for Tom.
3: An Italian liqueur (sp?).
4: Not that if you're unfamiliar with the situation it isn't easy enough to figure out. More of an Encyclopedia Brown case rather than Nero Wolfe.
5: I'll get you started: video games, blogging, driving.
6: The best advice he has ever given me.
7: Probably not good for a wedding though. I hear he only spins modal jazz and hardcore East Coast drug rap these days.
